“Hey Waffle, you got gomma? Wanna go to the village with me?”
snort, snoooort. “huh?”
“I’m going to the village, want to ride along?”
“No,, I got stuff to do,,”
“Fine, if the Elder comes by, tell him I’ll be back around 3pm.”
Digby fired up Lucille and headed south. He was getting tired of watching his friend rolling around with 3 girls. But, he would do the same,, right?
Passing ‘Condo Row’ he noticed that they were all but complete. These guys are fast, he thought.
He had been depressed lately and it didn’t seem to be getting any better. He reached over and punched the ‘next’ button on the CD player. What came out of the speakers was “Swamp Opera” by Too Slim and the Taildraggers. Seemed fitting as he crossed through
He bounced on down the road and entered the village. He was going to a bar called ‘Joolie”s. once inside he grabbed a stool near the front door.
“Hi Joolie, I brought back the Tupperware take-out containers from last Sunday,, thanks, it was great!”
“Sure thing, glad you liked it.”
Down near the other end of the bar he spotted MS Swench sitting alone. He took his beer and went to sit by her.
“Hi Digby, you here to rag on me for stoinking the enemy?”
“No, I don’t think you knew it at the time. Besides, we may have a small mission for you. I have heard the developers are in town throwing money around trying to get people to side up with them. What a bunch of scumbags!”
It was by pure coincidence that the tune from the stereo was “If Money Talks, Why Don’t It Speak To Me?” by Jason and the Scorchers.
“Realy? Monte was very well behaved, VERY WELL, if you know what I mean. What’s the mission?”
“Well, we may need you to help us gather some ifo from the inside, if you know what I mean. Are you on good terms with this developer guy?”
“Yea, even though I am known as the reigning queen of the one night stand, we left it open.”
“These guys are unscrupulous and we need to be just as underhanded if we want to keep up.”
“I like Monte and would not mind spending some time with him, just don’t ask me to break his heart. I will do that all on my own thank you.”
“Cool, thanks Ms Swench,, I’ll let you know, in the meantime, have fun with your developer toy. Har har.”
“Bite me Digby,,” she knew he meant nothing by it.
“See you Joolie,, thanks again.”
“Sure thing Dig,, come back with Waffle sometime soon would ya?”
Back in Lucille, he made his way back home to Mental Breach.
He passed the group of dump trucks that him and the Elder had checked out and he wondered what, if anything he found was in that barrel.
Back at the container, he could hear the obvious sounds of Waffle and the girls having a very good time.
“Well shit,, guess I’ll go out to the caye and see what the Elder found out.
He found the dugout and paddled out to the caye. He could hear the Cowboy Junkies coming from the stereo out there.
‘Come on in Digby,, where’s Waffle been these days?”
‘Aww Waffle is too busy for anything these days, prick.”
“Check it out, my Substance Analyzer come up with a match just a few hours ago too. Turns out, this stuff in the drums is a fertilizer known as ‘Nitro-Jizz’. The chemical makeup reads like a nuclear bomb. It has been outlawed in the entire civilized world. This particular batch came up missing about 4 years ago from a chem Lab in Cornhole Mississippi. It was determined to be last seen in Cuba. The chemists who mixed the concoction all died in a mysterious group enema suicide pact. It has not re-surfaced until now. I have no idea why it was in the back of that dump truck.”
“Wow, that’s quite the story, you sure it’s dangerous?”
“This stuff is so volatile, once a cat came near it in its unstable state,
WHOOOOOOOOOOOMPPP, you might say.
The feline conflagration burned itself out and then the hairless body began to omit what I would call ‘cat steam’.” This stuff is bad news when handled wrong, and it usually is handled wrong. I’m going to contact some friends up in Arlington and see what they can tell me.”
‘I spoke with Ms Swench today, she agreed to help by infiltrating the enemy’s camp, she has an ‘in’ with one of the developers.”
“Good, we may need some help from the inside. I hear they are bribing citizens now for support of their project, pricks.”
Digby stepped into the dugout and headed back home. Although he didn’t want a repeat scene of Waffles hairy ass cooking at the George Foreman grill, so he decide to go to banana’s for dinner. Maybe there were available women in there. Yea, Right.
The taxi pulled up to the front entrance of Tortoise Inn. The driver came around and opened the rear door. Out stepped a hi-heeled shoe attached to a leg cloaked in a red dress. The other leg followed. As Ms Swench stood, she was causing a commotion among the couple of yardmen in the area. She was stunning in the red dress, Prada bag over her shoulder. And just the slightest hint of trouble emitting from her soul.
She walked in through the entrance, turning heads as she went. At the front desk, the girl behind the desk asked her “Can I help you?’
“Yes, I believe I am expected by Mr. Monte Spinker.”
“Oh yes, he is expecting you, go right into the dining area.”
As she strolled into the dining area, she could hear a celebration happening.
She looked over to the bar and saw a group of well-dressed men, collars un-buttoned, drinks in hand, arm in arm, all singing. She spotted Monte at the end of the conga line of celebrants. They were all raising their glasses and singing along to “Money” by Pink Floyd. All together, “,,,I’m in the Hi-fidelity, first class traveling section I think I need a Lear jet,,,”. Monte saw Ms Swench and excused his self from the crowd. He gave her a slight kiss and said “Great news, our project has been approved. We start work tomorrow, legally for a change. Isn’t that great?”
“Oh,, yea,, great,,”
Say, it’s loud in here, how about me and you go outside,,?”
Suddenly, Ms Swench had a better idea.
“I believe I would rather go to your room.”
“Well allrighty then,, this night just gets better and better.”
They slipped into Monte’s room; he kicked off his shoes and jacket, and asked, “Can I get you a drink?”
“One barrel and coke please.”
As he was making the drink, Ms Swench was plotting her moves.
“Here ya go,, why don’t you make yourself more comfortable.”
“Be right back.” She said as she twirled towards the bathroom.
When she came through the bathroom door, Monte was already on the bed, wearing only his fake bow tie. Lying there in a seductive pose almost made Ms Swench gag, for she now knew who she was dealing with.
She had her Prada bag with her as she sat next to Monte on the bed. He groped at her as she coyly dodged his attempts. She reached in her bag and pulled out a CD. Cris Isaak, “Forever Blue” she slipped it into the Bose radio next to the bed and cued up track 6,
“Things Go Wrong” began to emit from the speakers.
She opened her bag and removed some objects he did not see. He continued in his attempts at drunkenly groping.
In a flash, a maneuver that would have made any cowboy in Wyoming jealous, she whipped out a length of rope and was swinging it overhead. He tried to grasp what he was seeing, but the evenings partying had slowed that process. In one swift move, she had the rope around his hands and over the rafter that was directly over the bed. He saw this and thought,, “Huh?” in the next second she had his ankles trussed up as well. She wrapped the rope around 4 times and threw her hands up in the air as so the judges could stop the clock. Poor Monte was drunkenly hog tied up in a 500 dollar a night room and was not sure where it was heading. He looked at Ms Swench with a puzzled look and said “Cool,, now what?”
She reached into the bag, pulled out a ball-gag, and inserted it into his mouth while pulling the strap over his head. “It looks like I will be asking the questions Monte. Are you ready to talk?”
He had no clue; he thought he had found the love of his life. She was into everything he seemed to be into. Then she swacked him with a leather belt,, and it hurt. SWACK!
“Ok Monte, Lets make a Deal! You answer my questions and I might not leave you hanging from this rafter, naked, until the press is called. What you say?”
“mmmffffuukkkkk,,,, iiii,,,, fffffrrrrr.”
“I take that as an Ok, judging by the look in your eye. I’m gonna remove the gag, you make a peep, I swack you more with the belt, you got it?”
He shook his head yes, he was now beginning to see this was not the pleasure act he originally hoped for.
She removed the gag, he was quite. “OK, we are going to play a game; it’s called ‘Answer This You Prick’, you ready to play?” Here we go,, tell me what you are really doing here.”
“I told you, I am a developer for the project Emerald Hummingbird.”
SWACK,, “one more time,, why are you here?”
‘Ok, OK, no more fuckin SWACKIN,,, I was sent here to bribe locals into signing petitions supporting the project. I get a set amount for each signature. What do you care?”
SWACK,,,”well, I’ll tell you.” He was swinging from the rafters looking very pathetic.
“I live here and you are fucking with my place of residence, that’s a start.’ SWACK.
The welts were showing now,, it was a beautiful sight.
‘Bitch, I thought we were an item?”
“Well,, I guess not ,huh. Now,, answer this you prick,, what is really going on with all the construction?”
‘I swear,,’SWACK’,,Ok Ok,, it’s all a front,, I don’t know for what,, but no condos,, just buildings,, I swear I ,,, don’t know anything else,,, I swear,,, never were intended to house people,,, that’s why that one up north is always empty,,,”. SWACK. “GODDAMMIT I’M TELLING THE TRUTH, STOP HITTING ME!” SWACK
“Ok Monte, let’s say we made a deal. However, I am going to leave here, and you are going to continue to ‘hang’ around, but with the gag back in. Tomorrow, I will be back and let you down. You Ok with that? Or should I go get your buddies now and bring them back in here?”
‘Some day,, I’m gonna,, ‘SWACK’,, OK OK,, don’t leave me hanging though.”
“Fat chance,, you and your pals are going to leave us hanging,, see you in the morning.” She replaced the gag as he was kicking and squirming, but to no avail. She gathered up her stuff, put the dress back on, and waved goodbye. He was PISSED. She just grinned.
“Hey Digby, the Elder is here. Wants to talk about something.”
Digby was cleaning the bilges of Cat Sass, he tossed the sponge in a bucket.
“Hi boys, you got a minute?”
“Sure thing, what’s up?”
“I set my computer to take images using ‘google earth’ again last night. This time I watched the area where you guys found the underwater tube system. At around 2300 a ship of some sort anchored at what looks like the exact same spot, and they stayed there until 0500. They must have blacked out the lights because I could not tell what type ship it was. I want to sneak a boat out there tonight, do a re-con dive and see if there is anything to learn. Night would be best to avoid the goons you two scared up the last 2 times. Is Cat Sass up for the trip? And you guys as well?”
“Cat Sass is ready, are you Waffle?”
Waffle was walking around a little ‘bow-legged’ these days.
“Yea, I need a break from them girls!”
“They still here? I’m impressed; you are still able to walk. What say we muster at banana’s around 2200 and get ready for a re-con mission?”
“OK, we’ll be there. Need us to bring anything?”
“No, just have plenty of fuel, please.”
“Hey Digby, wanna go to banana’s for lunch? I’m buyin.”
“Sure,, but where’s your entourage?”
“The girls went to visit their Mom, said they be back tomorrow. It’s good cause they are beginning to bother me. All they want is sex, no conversation at all, just sex. Sure, it was great for 3 or 5 days, but I am getting lonely. And between me and you, I think Chlorine lives, “out beyond where the buses run”, if you know what I mean.”
“It will be good to have you back tonight. You ARE the boat captain.”
At banana’s they bumped into Ms Swench. They grabbed a seat at her table where she had just placed her lunch order.
“Hi boys, I’m glad you are here. May Game is going to meet me here any time now.’
“Good, we can fill her in as well. How are you and this Monte fellow doing?”
“He calls my cell phone every day. I am supposed to meet him at Tortoise inn tonight for a drink. You need something from him?”
“Maybe, will let you know soon.”
May Game came up the stairs into banana’s and found the table, grabbing a chair she slid in-between Digby and Waffle.
“Afternoon folks, I’m starving, what’s good?”
“New cook, the stewed chicken rice and beans are an exceptional value.” Said the barkeep.
“I’ll have that.”
Barkeep took four orders of the same and ran them to the kitchen.
“So, May, what’s the haps in the ‘Battle of the Developers?”
“I tell ya, if I live through this I will be surprised. It has been one hell of an uphill struggle. The developers have been tossing money around as you may have heard, and that makes it hard to get anyone to act rationally. In a battle like this, money is considered a WMD. They are in town doing a publicity blitz and I am having a hard time counter-acting their sleazy moves. To tell the truth, it looks to me that the government is going to cave to the slush money and we will have more condos here than the entire country combined.”
‘It’s such a shame to see the greed in people, everyone knows this will do no good for the area, just long term damage.”
“Well May” said Digby. “We still may be able to at least throw a wrench into their plans. We have the Elder working on some very interesting stuff. Could be in our favor.”
“And I have gotten pretty close to one of the developers and I am going to squeeze some info from him, I think tonight will be the beginning.” Ms Swench grinned.
Their meals arrived and all conversation ceased. A couple dogs appeared and lurked in the area.
After lunch the boys returned to their container. It was pleasantly quite around there. Waffle announced he was gonna take a snooze. Digby set about making final preps for the night’s mission.
At 2200, with Cat Sass tied up out front, Digby and Waffle entered banana’s. The elder was already there.
Digby was wearing camo pants and t-shirt, while Waffle was clad in his usual Hawaiian surf shorts and hibiscus shirt, un-buttoned. He remined people of Kato Kalin from O.J. fame.
“This looks official.” Said barkeep.
“Anybody asks, you never seen us.” The Elder was serious about it too.
They grabbed some beers for the ride and jumped in the boat. Digby cast off while Waffle yanked the starter rope. Add a bit of choke and yank again. The Yamaha fired to life and the three of them steamed off to uncertainty, with Waffle at the helm?
May Elvis have mercy on their souls.
Meanwhile, out to sea, Cat Sass was inching its way into a SWACKING of its own
1 day ago