Digby awoke to the sound of dump trucks bouncing up the road. The surf was splashing his feet and the sun was barely creeping over the horizon. Rubbing his eyes, he muttered, “fuckin dump trucks.” He had spent the night right where he washed up. The Elder was gone, but there was a note on a stump nearby. He took the note and read it. “Get everyone to muster at banana’s tonight at 1800,, important!”
I hope he has a plan to help free Waffle, Digby thought. He went back to the container carrying the bow board from Cat Sass, Waffle would want it. He took a quick shower and fired up the George Foreman grill. He was starving from last nights swim and some spam sounded great. After he ate, he would get word of the meeting to everyone.
The Elder rode his bicycle up the muddy road. He had a backpack strapped on his back and was making good time. He reached his spot, under a large Mango tree about 30yrds from Boozies, the only condominium facility that was completed. He un-strapped the backpack, removed a large Pelican case. Opening the case, he removed the Nikon D2x digital camera. He attached the huge 600mm f.4 lens. Found the carbon fiber monopod and attached the camera to its head. He powered the camera and began to look like he was just out for a day of bird photography. After a few shots of the sky, he pointed the lens at a window in the main condominium. He shot off around of ten shots before moving to another window. As he checked the images in the cameras LCD screen, he hit the zoom button. As the image grew in closer, his original suspicions were coming clear. He unassembled all his gear and headed back to Drunkards caye. This was the missing information he needed to prove his theory.
It had now begun to rain.
Digby went to the village and spread the word of a meeting. May Game, Ms Swench, both said they would help spread the word.
At the same time there was a meeting commencing in a cold boardroom somewhere in Chicago. All the players were there for a briefing of the last few week’s events.
Conrad Bigalow came in and was closely followed by his mother. He asked everyone to please take a seat.
“Good morning everyone, as you know we had sent a contingent of specialist to the area to ‘firm up’ our standing in the community. Well, I have to say from the reports I have received, that mission failed miserably. I am hearing things like un-professional, sloppy, drunken perverts, and liars. One member of the team was found naked hanging from the rafters in his room by housekeeping who naturally went and got all her friends before anyone came to help.” All the other members of the team were solemnly looking at their notebooks or shuffling their feet. “On an up note, we did manage to capture one of those dipshits who have been causing us some grief. We hope to be able to use him to squelch the others as well. Now, on to production. We have been given the final OK to start construction on the main site, cost us enough slush money, we should own the whole stinking country. Can’t be worth much anyway.” Chuckles all around the table.
“So, both products are being imported and exported and we are only 8 weeks behind schedule. We are sending the team back there to straighten up the mess they left, and you had better not let us down. We need good relations to keep anyone from becoming suspicious. Mother, anything to add?”
“Yes one thing, if any of you nimble-nut, trouser-stains fuck this up, you will answer to me, and you butt-kissin fuck-wads don’t want that. That’s all Monte Dear.” The members around the table looked genuinely scared! Monte shook his head. Mother had a habit of embarrassing him. “That’s all, get your passports together, you leave in the morning.”
Digby returned to the container. Waiting for him were Velveeta, Chlorine Spatula, and a new girl, obviously another sister. They were all lying around in hammocks, chairs, beach towels, in various states of un-dress.
“Hi Digby, Where’s Waffle? Oh, sorry, this is Formica, she is our sister.”
Waffle began to tell the story of the boat blowing to bits and Waffle being captured.
Velveeta was visibly upset while Chlorine and Spatula almost just shrugged it all off.
Chlorine was inching her way towards Digby, he was ready to run.
He excused himself after he told the girls where the spam and the grill were kept. They leapt up and started to cook.
Digby went to banana’s for the meeting. He could be ‘nice up’ by the time it started.
He was worried about Waffle.
The Elder sat down at the table. Already there were Ms Swench, May Game, barkeep, and the girls, all of them.
“Hey everyone, where’s Digby?”
barkeep said, “He was in earlier but left about an hour ago. Said something about rounding up the troops?”
“Oh great, I bet he is going after Waffle by him self. What fuckin troops?”
“I don’t know, but he had a bunch of beer before he left.”
“Alright, well, maybe he knows what he is doing,,, anyway, I got an update on the condos around here. I was out ‘sight-seeing’ today and got some interesting photos.”
He removed a few 8x10 prints from his portfolio and passed them around. As each looked at a print, their face showed surprise.
“Yes, it’s what it looks like. Every one of these condominiums are dummies. They are really green houses and those are marijuana plants you see in those photos. Those are not solar panels, they are skylights. Those trucks are full of dope going one way, and ‘nitro-jiz’ going the other way. I believe they are using the cruise ships to ferry in the fertilizer, and then take to dope out. I want to get in there and see how they are doing it. I need a diversion, you girls up for it? Can you keep the goons occupied while I sneak in?”
“Goons? Hell yea,,we like goons..” Velveeta was all giddy at the idea.
“May, Swench, I need you to got to the media, they will want to see this.”
“OK,, but what about Waffle?”
“Lets just hope Digby has a plan.”
As they all split their ways, barkeep began wiping the bar, shaking his head.
Waffle bounced down the road, from the CD player came “Scooby Snacks” by the Fun Lovin Criminals. On the back of Lucille was a flat bed trailer. On the trailer were all the dogs in the neighborhood. Ranger, Spike, Lucky, Dozer, Bobby, Butch, Teddy, Thumbless, Skeeter, Dippy, Marley, Tanner, Deli, and Scooby.
Inside the van where, Digby and Fuzznutts the cat. As he drunkenly weaved down the road he was explaining to Fuzznutts the nights mission. Once they reached the gate entering Sea Grape estates, he went on past and somewhat parked the van in some bushes with the trailer sticking way out into the road.
“Ok guys, this is it, lets go get Waffle.” He was not sure if Waffle was even there but an afternoon of drinking told him he was. He opened the tailgate for the trailer and alllll the dogs piled out. He put his finger to his lips and slurred “ssshhhhhhhh”. The dogs understood? They made their way to an exposed hatch in the ground. Digby figured this must lead to Waffle. He opened the hatch and Thumbless stuck his snoot in the opening and sniffed. He bagan to bark and wag his tail. “Hot dam,, we got ‘em, lets go boys”.
With Digby in the lead and all the dogs following, they made their way through a long passageway. Fuzznutts was always nearby, darting from one source of cover to the next.
The Elder and the girls were in place at Boozies. “Ok girls, there are the goons, do up stuff.” Velveeta and Spatula both wore ultra skimpy bikinis. They were busting out of their tops. They both adjusted their tops for maximum effect and started to strut towards the goons. Chlorine and Formica were clad in sarongs. They went to the direction of the other goons. “Man, I pity them goons.” Thought the Elder.
Digby came across a door with a padlock. The dogs were all up the passageway a bit. He knocked on the door and damed if Waffle didn’t answer from the other side. “Oh shit, he’s in here. Now what?”
He scanned the area and found a crowbar. He tried to pry the lock off but fell over and the crowbar clanged across the room. Just then a group of 4 goons came around the corner. “What the fuck?” said the lead goon. They grabbed Digby and had him secured with zip ties in seconds. “Lets take this dipshit to meet his fellow dipshit”. They opened the padlock and opened the door. After throwing Digby in, they began to laugh. Inside the room was a huge mountain of ‘nitro-jiz’ and small mining carts used to move it around. Above was an opening that must have led to the cruise ships. Waffle was tied to a cart spread eagle. He could barely hold his head up let alone speak.
As the goons laughed, they heard a growl behind them. They turned around slowly and saw all the dogs sitting in ranks, all showing teeth. From the smallest, Scooby, to the big bitch Butch. The 4 goons knew they were in trouble. As they made a break for the door, all the dogs charged. In a flash all the goons were down and each had a dog firmly attached to their testicals. Fuzznutts calmly strutted past each goon and painfully swatted their faces. Each goon had 4 bleeding stripes across his cheek as the dogs began to squeeze. At just that moment a loud buzzer went off and then a huge amount of fresh ‘nitro-jiz’ began to pour from the upstreched tube. As a goon struggled with his ball holder, he kicked a mining cart. It rolled across the floor and crashed into the power panel. Sparks began to fly and the lights flickered. All the goons had terrified looks on their faces. “The jiz,, it’s gonna blow!” cried one goon. Digby looked around and saw that the sparks had ignited a small pile of jiz and it was just a matter of minutes that it would ignite the rest.
“Get out,, all of you!” Digby yelled at the dogs. They all dropped their testicals and started to run back up the passageway. Fuzznutts was riding on Thumbless’s back like a regular cowboy. The goons all looked at Digby. “Help me untie him.” The goons turned and ran up the passageway not far behind the dogs. Digby began to untie Waffle. He removed the last rope and discovered Waffle couldn’t walk. He threw Waffle over his shoulder and as he looked back at the burning pile of jiz, thought, “This is it, I can tell.”
As the space shuttle “Camero” zoomed around the earth, the shuttle pilot was gazing out the window. He reached for the microphone and pressed the talk button.
“Houston Houston,, come in Houston.” “sskkkkss Houston here, How can I help you?”
“Yes, I’m looking out the port side observation port and I see 4 very large explosions occurring in Central America area. Just south of Cancun I would say. Are you having a nuclear war down there?”
“ssskkkss no, nothing that,,,,,,, wait one,,,,,, I will get back to you Camero.” The radio operator had felt the shock all the way in Houston. The explosion could be seen very clear from the shuttle. It began at one point on the ground then spread to other spots in a web type pattern with one even in the sea just off shore.
As the Elder picked him self up from the bush, he saw a bikini top floating back to earth. Just then the media with a truck load of police arrived. He related his story to both the media and press. The girls came from different parts of the jungle, naked for the most part and the police all stopped what they were doing to help the girls.
Debris was still fluttering from the sky as the Elder wondered about his friends Digby and Waffle.
It had been 2 days since the ‘incident’ in Mental Breach. The cops had rounded up all the goons and packed them in the Siene bite jail. The fires were all but out. Debris was still washing up on the beach from the destroyed cruise ship. In Chicago, they had arrested Conrad Bigalow and his mother. All the ‘developers’ were charged with offenses ranging from trafficking, possession of an illegal fertilizer, to lewd behavior. They all received a combined total of 200 years prison time.
The burned sites where the false condominiums had been were already being put on the market for sale. One rumor was that a group of Texans were going to build a nuclear waste disposal site.
All the dogs and Fuzznutts had returned home. Some a bit singed but OK.
Velveeta, Chlorine, Spatula, and Formica had moved into the container and were getting lots of use out of the George Foreman grill, waiting for Digby and Waffle to return.
Everyone had gathered at banana’s for the memorial. The entire village came up on buses. Barkeep made sure everyone had a drink before the Elder began his eulogy from the top of the stairs to the crowd in the parking lot.
With the sun setting in the background, the Elder spoke of Digby and Waffle as heroes, who gave their lives trying to retain the simple life in the Breach. He told of long time friendships, of late nights drinking together. The girls, all dressed in black sarongs were all sobbing. Everyone was a bit weepy. As barkeep cued up “Stairway to Heaven”, the Elder raised his beer in a toast. The entire crowd followed suit.
“To Digby and Waffle, may they rest in peace.”
1 day ago