Saturday, March 6, 2010

Good wholesome advice,, and a bonus.

Been real busy round here lately. And I been doin things I ought not do.
And just so you all have something to ponder, I’m not gonna say what those things are.
Some say this blog is nothing but gossip so, here ya go. Start some.
And heres a tip: if you don’t like reading this blog, don’t read it! But if you don’t read it, you can’t complain about it. There’s some logic in there if you dig deep.

Heres a few other tips you may find handy.

How to fend off a pesky Jehovah Witness.
1. Smile tolerantly when he speaks negatively about alcohol.
Any angry reaction will only re-enforce his self-righteousness.
You should smile at him in the way our G.I. forefathers smiled at Frenchmen telling war stories.

2. Remind him the bible has many pro drinking passages.
Say things like, “Christ turned water into wine, not the other way around. So logically speaking that makes you,, uh,,,,” at this point you could stroke your chin and pretend to be concentrating very deeply.
3. Drive your point home.
Shriek: “,,the fucking Antichrist!” and make the sign of the cross with your fingers as you back away in utter fear.

How to drink with foreigners.
1. Be proud of your country but not chauvinistic.
If you start every sentence with: “well back in the good old USofA,,” they will assume you are an Americentric and ignorant to their country’s culture. You should instead intersperse that phrase with “Well I know you have your own little fruity way of doing things in your country but,,,”

2. Be aware of the local drinking customs.
The Belgians for example, like to pound wine at football games, while the English prefer to pound Belgians. In Whales on the other hand, they refer to intoxication as being ‘flogged’ while in Iran they see it as a real good reason to be flogged.
3. Bars are a great place to learn about the local culture.
Visit all the churches, town monuments, and village squares you like, but to truly absorb the unique and true souls of a country you need to spend only a few nights in it’s humble pubs. This is also where the hookers hang out.

How to carry a passed out friend.
1. Make sure he is actually unconscious.
Grip the back of his neck gently, turn him to the right and scream in his ear “WAKE UP ASSHOLE” firmly and repeatedly.

2. Lighten the load.
If there is money in his pockets be sure to remove it. Because money can buy rounds of beers and rounds of beers are heavy and are much easier to carry while inside your belly.

3. Use your head and not your back.
When your load is sufficiently lightened, place your arms firmly around the barmaid and ask if she will drop your friend off on her way home.

Once you get back home, please be careful of what button you push on the microwave. It could have grave consequences.

And finally this,, just because I really like it!!

I sincerely hope some of this firsthand advice will help at least one of you in your future drinking excursions.

Your welcome.


JRinSC said...

Finally some tips I can really use! Thanks Bill

Anonymous said...

I love a rainbow in all its glory

RPM said...

You have to include this in your "Best Of" if you ever have one.

Harley said...

Who Said There Was A Pot Of Gold At The End Of A Rainbow? Case And Point.....