Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Lies,, all lies! UPDATED!!!

We get allot of questions concerning the weather from upcoming guests. “what is the weather like in June?” You know, that kinda shit. I can never remember what it’s like from month to month. I just say ‘it’s tropical’.
I’m too drunk focused on other things to log that kinda shit into the brain compartment.
But, I do remember that in September it can be HOT and also have lots of rain. How hot?
Hotter than the Devil’s taint! And I use that because I’m guessing that ‘taint’ area is fuckin hot!
Which was all last week.
Now all this week it has been rain, rain, and more fuckin rain!

How much rain? I don’t fuckin know, allot OK. A couple nights it dumped all night.
A good way to find all the low spots on your property! Looks like it is ankle deep to a medium size dog as of yesterday.

Sunday we went to a shin-dig across the lagoon, billed as a “river party”. And sticking with the new policy, I can’t tell you who was there, where it was, what was BBQed, nutin!
Because of two reasons, maybe 3, we decided to make the drive over instead of the Hokey Pokey.
First, it was raining, second we listened to someone who told us the road crew had been working on the road from Riverdale out to the junction and it was smooth. Third, we thought there may be some photo opps along the way.
Well, yes it was raining, but whoever told us about the road condition (again, can’t mention any names) THEY LIED!!!
From the pump house out, it was the same miserable, rocky, muddy, washed out, teeth rattling, bone jarring, piece of shit it has always been! I have seen it worse, but I can’t remember when.
I am sure the fact that we have been staying on the new pavement for months made it a bit worse but fuck that, we ain’t going that way again till it’s paved! Unless we abso-fuckin-lutly have to.
My new hi-zoot car stereo works great by the way. Until you are on the bumps and need to press a button. The buttons are the size of BB’s and if you try to stab one while moving you are sure to hit the wrong one, or 3 at a time. Then you have to pull over to get things back to normal. Fuck!

UPDATE: Being as close to Sarah Palin as I am, buds and all, she sent me an advanced copy of her upcomming Hong Kong speech.
Here it is,,,

Good Evening then! As one of our past American presidents once famously said, “I am a Berlin pastry.” Tonight I’d like to say as well, “I am a Hong Kong dumpling.” Looking out at this wonderful audience, I’d like to say that I feel I have so much in common with you. Call me a trail blazer (winks) then but as I look out across at the sea of faces, I’m reminded of nothing so much as our own home grown Native Alaskans!

I am so excited about coming to China. From what I understand, unlike America the entire nation of your people here are Red State-ers. And thank you so much for inviting me here to this great land of Hong Kong, the birthplace of King Kong – of course, you know we Americans don’t go in much for Monarchy.

But underneath it all we’re really just so very much the same, aren’t we? For example, I’m looking forward to trying my first Chinese Egg Roll with all of you, because I had no idea that you celebrated Easter too in such a way in this new land. It might surprise you to know that the Continent of China holds a great fascination for young Americans. As I remember even in high school, one of my basketball teammates telling me about that famous book on your geography called “The Yellow River,” written by I. P. Freely.

I understand that China became a nation just 60 years ago. I just want you to know that we real Americans appreciate your struggle, and are also happy to provide you brand new up-and-comer nations with all the wisdom and insight America has to offer as the founder of Constitutions. In fact, I’d like to invite you to join me in thinking of the U.S. as just another Big Brother.

China is my kind of place, where the media doesn’t just make things up here. Our good friend Mr. Murdoch told me himself that in Chinese “The Free Press” means that your enterprising local laundries won’t charge for ironing on big orders. But before I spoke today, I found out that you call your President a Premier, which means “the best or the first” in American. I like the sound of that and believe me, if I could be “the best or the first” Premier the U.S. ever had that would be the door I'd open. And everybody just loves your Premier King Wen too! Apparently there isn’t even one single negative blogger complaining about him on the internet, and that really is something also.

I understand that China does have its historical struggles. For example, in my reading I found that pirates and their pirating are such a problem here. It's no wonder because Hong Kong is just so famous for its shopping! Right when we got here, Piper and I strolled down the few blocks from our hotel and found sidewalks just like an open air Saks 5th Avenue. It might not be popular to say so with the European Establishment, but when your waitresses wear Chanel and all the school kids have Louis Vitton backpacks, you just know your state is on the right track!

Standing here, It’s just not my style to ignore the recent inroads made by my former election opponent Mr. Obama to virtually throw a fork in that road of America's usually friendly trade relations with China, paved so carefully by previous Republican administrations. There is no circular logic in slashing foreign tires entering on US soil for example, when we have so much riding on them, keeping our energy needs rolling towards markets both domestic and international. These globalized trade freedoms as they stand can only brighten that shining path that is so very much a part of America’s future with her yellow partner, that we puncture at our peril. Americans such as myself fully support the Hong Konganese in their quest to progress capitalism and entrapreneurialship throughout the mainland, and all the islands too.

In closing, I want to send out a strong message about our International foreign relations and mutual concern over those authors of “War and Peace.” As all know the strong symbol for China is the Dragon, and also I have been known as quite the Pitbull when necessity calls for. Now I've not yet seen a Dragon being uplifted by a Pitbull, or vice versa, but where there’s a will there’s always away. In other words, if the world is like a Chinese Box, then China, I'm in your corner no matter where in the world I am. It’s such a little known fact that China shares a common border with America right next to my home state of proud Alaska. So I promise you, that the Russian Bear Putin won’t be rearin’ his head over here while I’m nearby, no matter how long your Continental borders run alongside together. I say, not on Mama Grizzly’s watch!

And when you Red men and women too of the Chinese nation might often strive to immigrate to the future great Red States of America, our borders will have open arms and we’ll show you just what we mean when we suggest now that you eat your Chinese food - “WITH FORKS FOR CHANGE”

And Change is what we are really all talking about here, like the Chinese goldfish that refuses to stop swimming in its American bowl. I could say more about that goldfish, but you all know already, you who know me well, that it’s just swimming away from the mainstream, not content to go with the lesser of the two evils like all the rest.

So for tonight, I’ll just say then, Good Night, and Thank you Hong Kong and God Bless America.

I must have one drink by eleven, it’s a deed that must be done. If I can’t have a drink by eleven, I must have eleven by one.


Julian in SC said...

Hey Barn.. I must have missed exactly what you reported on that got you "banned" from giving us all the sordid details? If you're drunk enough please let me know what date or dates will get me to where you did the deed!!!

Meanwhile just make up people and places -- like how'd we know the damn difference. You know, that way you can make up people that happen to be awful close to people that you do know, and ....

Anyway, that's my two cents..


Wilma said...

love the speech. inspired writing ;-) no, really.