Saturday, May 16, 2009

Poopin' is cool,,,

It begins.

1200: Take the first application of the ColonBlow mixture. It consists of an envelope of mint flavor wood shavings and 2 capsules of I don’t know what.
To gag down the wood shaving malt shake takes a few attempts but I got ‘er down.
The directions go on to say not to eat ANYTHING for at least 24 hrs. Just drink an ass-load of water.

1316: have downed about a gallon so far,,

1513: Fuck,, I’m hungry! Normally I would have my evening’s beers cooling down but nooo, someone decided to do this ColonBlow shit instead.
That’s alright, I can do it, I’m strong! Hungry but focused!
1521: What’s that? Did I just feel something move?
1523: I didn’t plan this out that well. In the fridge I see leftover pizza, the ham I cooked up yesterday, the ham bone I will cook with a pot of beans, some sausage that I have a plan for as well, on the counter I see a bag of Frito’s and some Jalapeno dip, a bag of cashews,,,,quit looking over there! FOCUS!

1531: I glance out the window. Birds are merrily eating bananas. FUCK! It’s only been 3 ½ hours!
1612: OK,, I’m OK,, I had a dizzy spell there but it passed.
1645: beer,, I need beer! Must,,,, have,, beer,,,
1646: Beer is mostly water right? With some herbs and spices?
1718: Goggling recipes. Unbelievable what looks good!
1728: have sorted, and washed a pound of beans to soak,,,, another rumble!
1809: Gag down second glass of wood shavings and pills. (dinner)
1812: at least another gallon of water gone.
1816: Watching Mrs. Barn chomp down a nice, big, loaded salad, watching, watching,,,
1901: The T.V. is nothing but ads for food! Burgers, pizzas, foot long subs, all you can eat steak night!
1905: Googling up how to make a pizza bread bowl.
1940: more water while in hammock.
2100: fuck it. I’m going to bed.

0450: Up, hungry, more water.
0512: experience what they call the ‘first release’!
YES,,! It was a religious experience! I am amazed at what came outa me! I can go into details if you like. Can’t wait for the next one,, bring it bitch!

So,, what have we learned from this? This stuff really works! I am glad to be rid of that shit. Don’t need to be luggin that shit around all the time.
I got one more glass of wood shaving to gag down then see what else erupts!
Then,,,,, LUNCH!! Fuck,, I’m hungry!


The Most Functional English Word?

Well, it's shit...that's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.
You can get shit-faced,
Be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.
With a little effort, you can get your shit together,
Find a place for your shit, Or be asked to shit or get off the pot.
You can smoke shit,
buy shit,
sell shit,
lose shit,
find shit,
forget shit,
and tell others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between Shit and Shinola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits,
There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit,
and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or
a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find
yourself up shits creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you
fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts,
it's the basic building block of the English language.
And remember, once you know your shit,
you don't need to know anything else!


Sue said...

You gotta' love George Carlin!

Belizean Beach Bums said...

Looks like Barnacle has finally got his shit together......

Anita said...

Ughhhh......Hey Barn, thanks for reminding me that I have to make that appointment for the "Physical". It's gonna be "Butt, Boobs, and Blood", for me!

sandy a said...

I used to fast one day a week. The longest I ever did was 3 days. No Colonblow involved, but i did have some real tripped out dreams! (and no mind-altering substances involved either!)

Anonymous said...

Dear Mr. Barnacle,

Since I is a residente of Maya Playa, me thinks it wuld be good to spread a new rumor me recently heard. It be my civic duty to stir up de shiiiiiit.

Another local residente tells me their be a problem with sum of the Maya Breach landowners
about the road right of way.

One of our outstanding female redidents who likes to stir up shit, we won't mention any names Debbie, supposedly is upset that the
road project calls for a bus stop shelter to be built in front of her property. Also sum ting about her driveway going on to her property. Seems she wants to use the existing
pathway to the sea easement to get to her property. Don't know the legalities but wouldn't it be better to just have your own driveway in front of your own property to get on to your property? Well sum people are just downright stubborn, so be it.

What my fellow residente told me was that the road contractors said that wuld be fine, we will just wait til everyone in Maya Breach
has their issues resolved until we start paving that section of road. In other words they could just wait until the very end of the project if need be. So out goes another big THANK YOU to the shitheads complaining about the road project or is it another big FUCK U. I am not so sure maybe Barnacle knows after doing that COLON POOP thingie.

Anonymous said...