Thursday, December 24, 2009

Sorry, what did you say?

Normally, I have both the digestive and immune system of a dog. I can eat anything and the bleeding almost always quits before I loose much liquid. But every once in a decade or two, I need some advice from someone with one of those pieces of paper framed on the wall. Such has been the case the last couple weeks.
I have been somewhat susceptible to ear infections since moving to the tropics. I get them fairly regular and a round of drops always does the trick. But, one day a couple months ago I woke up with what I thought was another infection, no pain I just couldn’t hear. Huh? I let it go for awhile allowing my animalistic immune system to saddle up and kick some ass. Didn’t happen. What the fuck?
I go to the village to see the Cuban Dr. there. He stuck his flashlight in my ear, peered inside, stepped back and said “Whoa”. I took this as a bad thing.

Him: It looks like you have an abscess in there. I can’t help you, have to go to Belize city. Here are some drops, take 2 three times a day for 10 days.”
Me: Fuck.

Get me a flight to the city for an appointment with the ear, nose, and throat specialist. (You can start the calculator up at this point.)
She fires up her super-duper flashlight and peers inside, steps back and says “Whoa.”

Her: I don’t think it’s an abscess, I think it’s Cholesteatoma.
Me: Yeah, so?
Her: There could be scar tissue attached to the bone and needs to be scrapped off.
Me: Scrapped off? What the fuck,, there’s no room to scrape off anything in there?
Her: What they do is make an incision behind your ear, pull the entire ear over and set it on your cheek while they do this, then replace the outer ear.
Me: The fuck they do!
Her: Problem is we cannot perform this in Belize.
Me: I don’t think this is being preformed anyfuckinwhere to my ear!
Her: Lets get a CatScan just to be sure.
Me: CatScan,, fuck!

Down the hall I go to the CatScan room, half expecting to see some Rasta in there with a scroungy cat.
An hour later and 350bz lighter I get out of there and back to her office.

Her: Good news is it is not in the middle ear, it’s in the canal. We won’t have to remove your ear.
Me: Huh?
Her: I want to increase your drops to 3 three times a day for ten days. Come back in 10 days and we look at the progress. Here’s my bill. (60bz)

Got that calculator warmed up?
Airfare to Belize city and back 250bz, CatScan 350bz, Dr. bill 60, lunch and beers 15= 650bz.
And what did I get? One lousy drop increase in my prescription. (And these cool photos of the inside of my brain compartment!)
Getting to hear someone tell me they were going to ‘remove my ear’, priceless!

So, ten days later I drive back to the city. Verdict, she says I’m fine. My opinion,, I don’t fuckin think so. I still got ringing on the right side, guess I can live with that.

I got a request from a reader. “How ‘bout some photos of real men. None of those chisled, sixpack sissies."
Allrighty then. Here ya go!

And look how this girl checks to see if you measure up. Bit misleading tho.

DOUGH... the stuff...that buys me beer...
RAY..... the guy that sells me beer...
ME...... the guy... who drinks the beer,
FAR..... the distance to my beer
SO...... I think I'll have a beer...
LA...... La la la la la la beer
TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...
That will bring us back to...(Looks into an empty glass)


RPM said...

350bz for a Cat scan? That my friend is the deal of a lifetime. Add a zero and change the Bz to good old US $ and that's what it costs round these here parts. Don't forget the $500- $750 bill from some Doc you never saw that says they looked at it.

sandy a said...

that's what I'm talking about (what RPM said) THat is so incredibbly cheap, consider yourself lucky!
PS glad you didnt have to have surgery

ChiefExec said...

I have some knowledge of the medical condition you describe and you would be well advised to get on an airplane and have someone that knows what they are doing give you a thorough examination. I would suggest U of Miami, U of Florida (Gainesville) or Methodist Houston. Don't leave it til later or you will very like regret it (as in neurosurgeons opening up your head and having a titanium ear).

Denise said...

Now that's what I'm talking about!! REAL SEXY MEN!!!! The man boobs are a real turn on!!!! :-)