Saturday, July 11, 2009

Happy birthday to me,,,,or, you smell like a vagina!

As I sit here and think back, I can remember some really great times!
Yep, it has been 53 years, almost to the hour, that I plopped out of a vagina.
I was a ‘pre-me’, a little anxious I guess to see what’s going on outside.
Tiny little fuck too. Only clocked in at 2 lbs and a few oz’s. They had me in an incubator for a week or so. Seemed longer tho. One like they put baby chickens in. Come to think of it, I seem to remember there may have been a couple in there with me.
I remember my time in the womb also. What a great place. All warm, squishy, and comfy. Kinda like weightlessness too. Just float round all day, suckin my thumb and thinkin bout shit. Not caring bout nothing. I had this really cool feeding tube too! I don’t know where this stuff came from, but all the sudden there would be some stuff coming down the tube that tasted just like a burrito! Next would be banana cream pie! Then a few hours later, pancakes and ham. Already chewed up which was good cause my grand-pappy had better teeth than I did.
And I didn’t have to stop what I was doing and go take a dump or a whiz either. Don’t exactly know how that all worked, but my living quarters remained clean as a mother’s womb!
I can remember hearing Hank Williams tunes a lot. Senior not that junior asshole. My dad had that kinda music on the A.M. radio all the time. Ferlon Husky, Johny Cash, that era of music.
That vagina I mentioned earlier, it was at Porter Sanitarium when it came time to squirt me out into the world.
SQUUOOLISH PLOP,, here I am! A couple whacks on my ass, wipe off that goo I been living in, and straight into the chicken hatcher I went.
Years later, about 40 of ‘em, my dad was in what is now called Porter Hospital having some work done on his eye. Killing time while waiting for him to be done, I strolled the halls,, looking for the oldest nurse I could find. When I found what seems like a 60 yr old nurse, I stopped her and asked “Hey, remember me?” I gave her a straight on look, and a side profile with a couple pouts.
All she said was “Mmmm noooo,, SECURITY!”
She must have been working at Denver General when I made my grand entrance.

Anyway, to celebrate the day, I’m doing something a bit different. Me and Mrs. Barn are going to hit a few bars, and she’s buyin!
Now that I see it written down, it does sound a bit like every other day.
Oh well,, CHEERS!

Play this card game while your fuckin off. See how long before you figure out how it works.


Anonymous said...

I figured out yer stoopid card trick...and that decided me to go out and celebrate yer birthday right here in San Pedro Town...114 bars to roam around in...

Brian and Jasmin said...

happy Bday Bill and many more.... with any luck and in .5 secs i realized that none of the cards are the same as the first.

Brian and Jasmin said...

oops sorry i wrecked it for others!

Barnacle said...

well, fuck. you all are smarter than i gave you credit for!

Brian and Jasmin said...

and what you think about the email i sent you?

bananavida said...

Have a drink on me...that is if you can find anyone who'll run me a tab!
Happy Buttday!

sandy a said...

Third time's the charm:

RPM said...

Happy Birthday!!!

Anonymous said...

Dang Barn, you are only 10 days older than me...that makes you really old....just kidding!! Hope it was a great one!

Anonymous said...

Sunday am. By now you have realized you passed out on the floor. Not by choice, Adriane just got tired of you saying "but it's my fucking bithday". Your mouth is dry as a menapausal womans's hoo-hoo, only one eye will open but that is better cause it is easier to see. You tried to stand and are cussing at another earthquake, not! Solution: cold beer to the forehead, followed by poppin the top off(ah, that sound) and drinking to the bottom. Take 2.


Anonymous said...

Happy belated Birthday, Bill!
Love your blog, photos(Andriane's too) and music.
I've commented using DKO on a few of your blogs now I'm fessing up my name so you'll reply to my facebook!
Hope to see you and your lovely wife sometime in the future, near hopefully.
Anyway, cheers
Debra Olson

Anonymous said...

Has the smell lingered? I've heard some say you're an old c**t. That might explain it! Hope you had a great one.

x Colette