As The Coconuts Drop

Cute little feller, ain't he.

2012-02-02T15:00:00.004-06:00

Whoa!
Squall blowin thru here bout blew the dog away!
It has been yet another busy week. Guests are checkin out and new ones back in the next day! Maybe I shouldn’t bitch, but I am. Some folks say ‘make hay while the sun shines’, or some odd bullshit like that.
I say ‘leave me alone, I’m wasting potential’.
Our fellow blogger has departed back to the great state of Texas. I know I know,, it’s not every day I would call it a great state but, I am feeling cordial about now.

Not much new on the photo front either. Been shooting some stuff but nothing to brag about.
Maybe I had mentioned a shoot in the works that I am looking forward to? A submission to Belikin contest.
Well I found a willing model (that was a hold-up for awhile), and last night I got a call that there are now 2 willing models!
So as soon as things calm down a bit it’s ON LIKE DONKEY KONG!
When it happens, you all will be the first to know.

While pouring thru some old photos, I found this one of me.

It’s a very old shot but I remember the day. The flash startled me!

This is the greatest case of false advertising I’ve seen since I sued the movie “The Never Ending Story

We spent most of our money on spam and beer, the rest we just wasted,,

2012-01-27T13:54:00.004-06:00

Well, we can travel again. Not that we want to but we could. We got our new passports yesterday from the US embassy in Belmopan. Good for another 10 years.
We left early and had a good time while driving. Although,,, I was getting a bit worried with the height of the comfort level Mrs. Barn was enjoying while using my new camera. I thought at one point she was going to call it hers. (once she 'tweeks' her photos i'll post some)
Also since we got thru the passport dealy so quick, we did some exploring around the town. We found some real nice neighborhoods that I could easily slide into, nice parks with streams all that shit. Mostly clean and nice.
And we found our new favorite restaurant. Chan Son Palace. (or some such shit)
We had been going to the place by the hardware store but last week when we went it was HORRID! I am told there are new owners and they suck as cooks!
So to get here, you go towards the hospital, turn left at the ‘no left turn’ sign, go a block or so, turn again,, oh fuck it. If you want directions come see me. Great food!
And speaking of food, what would a BP trip be without hitting some grocery stores? And boy did I make a find.

The options are endless! Look for some stunning food photos soon!

And on a shelf very nearby was this must have item.

Want stunning photos of this products results also?

We have a fellow blogger here with us right now. He has been a reader of this blog for awhile and I have followed his as well.
He seems to be doing a running trip report over at The South 40. Check it out!

I'm not a bad guy! I've worked hard, and I love my wife. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?

I'll see your 2 dog turds and raise you 3 more,,,,

2012-01-23T12:23:00.006-06:00

Hola.
Lets begin with an update on that very interesting Honduran flight attendants outfit, shall we.
I got to digging around for its history and came up with some interesting stuff.
Turns out, a neighbor of ours found a Lazy-Boy recliner online somewhere, Craig’s list or some shit, that had been marked down considerably. Like down to 59$! So he made the plunge and ordered up the Lazy-Boy to be delivered.
The big day arrives and so does his delivery.
And guess what, his package consisted of this flight attendant’s suit instead of his recliner!?!?
Now I am sure you are wondering the same shit I am, how can you screw up things this bad? To mistake a flight suit for a recliner??
Well, that answer may never come. But as I have always said, only shop online from reputable dealers!

There was a free vet clinic this weekend. All free but donations heartily accepted.
The usual nut-jobs. And some spays and neuters as well.
I was there both days. Saturday Scurvy got checked out for tick fever. He got some drugs and a pat on the head.
Interesting point: it was fuckin hot. And with Scurvy’s extra hairy coat, I let him sit in the truck with the AC going for awhile to help cool him off. Me too of course.
Then his turn came up and the vet crammed his thermometer up Scurvy’s ass. The vet looked at the reading and asked “Has this dog been in the AC?”
That’s some damn good AC if it can be measured by the inside of a dogs butt!
Then once Scurvy was home, I spent the rest of the day and Sunday being the volunteer doggie shuttle. I transported anyone who needed a lift to or from the clinic. Saw lots of nice dogs and I may have fleas from letting a kitten play in my beard. Not the first time.
And if you were to shove some sort of mini-camera up some dogs ass, looking back out, this is the kind of photos you would get.

Call it ‘Ass-Cam’.

It's never quite the same when you're sober, is it?

Please put your tray tables and seat backs in the upright position,,,,

2012-01-16T07:09:00.003-06:00

I was in attendance at the V.I.P. Lounge opening a few nights ago. Good times as usual. Couple changes tho, beer bottles went up to 3.50 per, and drafts are 4.00. still the cheapest beer this side of the Stann Creek river!
I installed a fire alarm so we will get plenty of notice if things get outa hand again. When this alarm goes off,, we know there is a problem!

As the night wore on, Doris disappeared. But when she returned, she came back as a stewardess for Honduran Airlines(?)
Complete with blinking runway lights going up her right side!
No, really,, I have no idea what was going on with that, but that is just one of the qualities I love about Doris. She is not afraid of anything!

Remember, attraction is a three-way street. Or is it a one-way tunnel? Hmm, in any case, I do know it's a four-lane highway, but it takes two to use the car-pool lane. I guess what I'm trying to say is, what the younger generation has learned is that there's nothing for us to watch on CBS, and you've got to be yourself. A man has to love you for you, not some costume. He's gotta love who you are.

The Marines have landed! Well, maybe not.

2012-01-13T11:10:00.005-06:00

Big day yesterday. Re-new our passports day.
And that means a trip to the U.S. Embassy in Belmopan.
Last time we did this, 10 years ago, the embassy was in BZ city so this is half the distance for us.
A few years back the U.S. made some revisions to their embassies. They now have 2 designs only. One larger blueprint for the larger countrys, and a smaller one for little shitburgs like Belize. They are all identical now.
First thing I notice as we walk in was the door.
WHOLLY FRIGGING CRAP!
This thing was 6 inches thick and weighed a ton! You grab it to open and caught me off guard.
Blast proof I assume.
Then on through security. They took Mrs. Barns purse! Would not let her bring it in, my car keys either.
Next thing I notice is that I have yet to see one single Marine?
Every embassy has Marines guarding them, or sailors.
Not here. All I saw were the usual security firms we see all over Belize.
One possible explanation could be that we were not really ‘in’ the embassy,, just the consul type area where you do passport shit. Maybe the Marines were in the other part of the building?
Anyway,, we filled out the forms, paid our 200$US and now we wait 7-10 days.
We were fully expecting them to take our Belize residency cards as we have heard they now just put something in your passport, but they told us to keep them.
So what we are thinking that now if you get residency they do something to your PP instead of issuing you a card, but if you were issued a card before they changed then you keep the card. Makes sense I guess. Trouble is, our cards are already 12 years old and we are not going to match those good looking young folks in the pictures for much longer!
So then we get back home and were sitting round slurping some beers when Mrs. Barn’s mind starts to work.

“Did you see those cameras? They were watching us the whole time. And when I turned the magazine up-side down to solve that puzzle, they thought it was some kind of terrorist code I bet. And why did they keep my purse? I bet they went thru it. I bet they are looking for all kinds of stuff.
Let’s see what was in my purse, OMG,, I may have left some incriminating kinda shit in there!!

2 packs of Kleenex, a ziplock with vitamins, some packs of lactaid pills (look like condoms), a nail file (possible weapon), dental floss (another weapon), a change pouch, the chap stick I used on the cats butt, car keys, and a gallon Ziploc labeled ‘Adriane’s bag of money’?” (big zip-lock she uses for her poker money)

Yep,, I bet they are sending out an anti terrorist squad right now!
Well they better bring some milk bones if they want to get passed OUR security!

Tonights the big night!
Grand re-opening of the V.I.P. Lounge!
They are not quite finished just yet as they are still waiting on the real bar top, just a temporary top on there now. And Doris says she still needs some kitchen help. And because of that the menu tonight will be limited.
But, they do have 2 Belikin beer taps! In coolers ready to go! A great addition for her. I bet draft beers will be a hit. At 4$ you know it will be.
I’ll be there so hopefully some photos will follow.

A wife asks her husband,
"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk,
and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

Roll up your pants, it's too late to save your shoes.

2012-01-08T14:19:00.004-06:00

Not much new to report, still chilly here tho.
So I got to thinking last night about some of the people we have seen come and go from here. There have defiantly been some characters.
One such character was named Bill something. But it was not long I began referring to him as ‘Bill Shit’.
This guy could spout more bull shit than most I have ever seen. Here are a couple examples.
One day at a small beer drinking gathering he began to warm up soon as all pistons were firing he let loose.
Some of you may have heard of Rocky Flats Nuclear facility outside Denver. I think they make triggers for weapons or some such shit. Highly secret and guarded.
Well ‘ol Bill Shit begins to tell the group how he used to work there. Not as a regular employee, no-sir-ee. He was employed as a genius. A well paid genius. 300$ per hour well paid genius.
Naturally, whatever he claimed his job was, he was the ONLY one at the facility who could do it.
He went on to tell us how one night in a bar he was paged (way back when only the very most important people carried pagers), his genius was required at the plant. Trouble was he was hammered.
His solution? He brought his friend with him who was not as drunk and Bill Shit talked him thru the immensely complicated procedure required to solve the issue with this particular nuclear trigger.
Lucky for you, me, and the world he managed to save the day before he went back to the bar.
Not 2 beers later he tells us he used to own the largest Harley dealership in Texas.
This guy was amazing. He left the party not long later, and the country soon after.

I had a return model come by for some updated photos. And I am always up for portrait practice.

Since the wives are downtown feeding dinners to the homeless, shouldn't we be at the nudie bar feeding dollars to the topless.

Let's party like there's no tomorrow,, but if there is, keep on partying! UPDATED.

2011-12-30T09:50:00.009-06:00

Well folks, another year shot in the ass. Gone, straight down the crapper.
And whoa-boy, looks like this next one will be the last too. As you all are fully aware, the world ends December 21, 2012. How do we know this? The Maya made a calendar years ago and that is where the days end.
So any fool with a working portion of brain matter could deduce that the world will cease on that date.
Now me, I am curious as to just what will happen. Will there be just an end to humanity? All living things? The entire planet goes up in dust? Or will it just be the calendars that end?
Anyway, till we know for sure don’t go buying any extended warranties, or shit like that.

Lets take a look back at the year in Mental Breach shall we.
The MBBC (Mental Breach Bachelor Club) still meets about every night, absolutely nothing changes there.
Texas did not invade Belize as previously assumed.
We suffered 2 fires, one devastating to the well being of the drinking crew.
Zombie sightings we down drastically over the year.
There were no hurricanes but a couple close calls.
Business was great and we had the usual mass of fun people fill up the cabana’s, lot’s of fun folks!
Scurvy had some bad luck with fat and abscess’s.
I have some bad luck with fat as well.
My dear friend Mr. Gout paid me a visit a couple times this year.
Some new fun camera gear found it’s way here.
The cabana’s we're all spruced up with tile and a new ~~fridge~~, stand up beer cooler.
2011 saw the first ever person hurling over the rail of the DoubleWide! And get this, there was no booze involved!?
Ladies day at the bowling alley is still strong as well as ladies poker night. So many show up for poker it gets crowded,, as is my understanding.
I think the total number of traffic deaths has reached 9 since the pavement.
R.I.P. to those poor souls.
But on the other side, I can’t think of any dogs who have lost their lives to the road.
We saw a great FaceBook dust-up between a real-estate agent and the owner of an ‘alleged’ hooker bar. And that was a HOOT! Score one big one for the hooker bar!
And who could forget the now famous ‘Mistletoe-ball grab’? No matter how it is explained, no matter who sez who threw the first choke or punch, it still comes down to 2 grown men fighting over a plastic chair!

UPDATE: Hi, I'm the wife of the guy who got strangled at the misoltoe ball. After several weeks I was able to talk with the owners. The owners kept telling me that my husband threw the first punch. I kept telling them that that was un true. I had 8 witnesses including owners of buisness in the area that saw the whole thing. The owners truned to me and said they had 8 witnesses also that said my husband did. They both turned around in a huff saying it was my word againts theres. Yep there right. If this happened in the states it would have been a whole different ball game. We expected at least a gentelmans aplogy. We did not expect lies from them . Now I have better understanding how all the family felt when they let OJ Simpson go. Sad.Very sad.

I think the blog saw lots of boobs, not so many photos for the female readers tho, and I plan to change that just for them.
And the number of readers has hit 251,000!
Thank you all for that!

What’s in store for the next 355 days (minus 10 for the dec 21st thingy), more of the same shit BUT, with more of the same shit!

So go find some cold beers, or whatever gets you thru the it all, and sit back.
Oh, while you’re out getting them beers, you may want to load up on some eye-bleach.
Some things once seen cannot be un-seen.
And with that, here is your official New Year Baby!!!!

Your welcome.

Maybe just once someone will call me "sir" without adding "your making a scene.

Dough, the stuff that buys me beer,,,,,

2011-12-26T15:08:00.003-06:00

It’s Boxing Day here. Get out the heavy gloves.
No, it is really some twisted British thing they celebrate. Something to do with boxing up gifts and exchanging them?
Heres wikipeadia’s take on it, “Boxing Day is traditionally a day following Christmas when wealthy people in the United Kingdom would give a box containing a gift to their servants.”
So with that in mind, check out these 2 videos.

And the gifts keep rollin in at ‘Chez Barnacle as well. Remember the carved beer bottle from last week? Now check out the cool note pads!

AND, we got a big-ol-bag-o Girl Scout cookies.
Not a bad haul!

DOUGH... the stuff...that buys me beer...
RAY..... the guy that sells me beer...
ME...... the guy... who drinks the beer,
FAR..... the distance to my beer
SO...... I think I'll have a beer...
LA...... La la la la la la beer
TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...
That will bring us back to...(Looks into an empty glass)
DOH!

Bah Humbug,, and all that shit,,,

2011-12-23T07:38:00.011-06:00

‘tis the season, apparently.
There are people everywhere. All the sno-birds flock here for the holidays, lots of visitors, and then all the regulars makes it kinda crowded if you were to ask me.
I guess we are in full holiday mode. As full as we can be. We usually avoid the parties, well,, mostly me but Mrs. Barn see’s things my way more and more. Maybe because she is 5 years behind me.
I am much more content to either sit on my own dam DoubleWide, or hit the local tavern like the V.I.P. Lounge. The older I get the more I like this plan.
Call me an old Scrooge, I don’t care. Just make sure the beer is cold first.

Speaking of beer, I have a photo shoot coming up that involves beer and will no doubt make your day! Stay tuned.

Spent awhile yesterday shooting some photos of the MBH Bistro. The place is pretty photogenic if you know what I mean.

And so is Mrs. Barn.

I SAW MOMMY KISSING MRS. CLAUS
I know she's my mom and all, but that didn't stop me from rubbing one out before I quit watching.

Choke choke,, OWW,, MY NUTS!!!

2011-12-15T10:26:00.012-06:00

Trouble right here at 'Chez Barnacle.
Two of Scurvy's ~~girl friends~~, groupies, have been hanging round here just a bit too much.
We both have way to much of a soft spot to give them the boot, but they can't stay here either.
I am told the mother is called 'Peanut Brittle Ice Cream Pie, and the daughter is just plain 'ol 'Vanilla'.

Both sweet little mutts that belong to the watchman at the Mennonite construction camp up the road. I guess they just like it here. Maybe i should quit feeding them?

Someone explain to me just how much alcohol it would take for the owner of a hi-end resort to choke one of his own paying guests?
And how humiliated would that same owner be when the choke-e retaliated with a grab to the owners ball sac and let loose a 10 second squeeze?
And then factor in the idea that it was all over a plastic chair!

Yep, amateur night for sure.

Ps.Just so you know it's not purely gossip, I heard this first hand account from the said Choke-ey! And I think his hand still smelled like balls.

I had a desire to make some egg rolls yesterday as there was a pack of wrappers in the freezer that had been in there awhile. Wrappers, not Rappers like Snoop Dogg.
So’s I goes about marinating some ground pork, shredding some carrots and cabbage, slicing up some celery and broccoli, cook it all up in some oyster sauce and badda boom, badda bing, egg rolls!

I experimented awhile back with Mexican egg rolls but it seemed the beans and cheese were the problem. I want to try again with rice, should be better. I don’t see any reason I cannot stuff anything I want into them wrappers. Do you?

Chill

1. to calm down
2. cool, tight, wicked, sick, sweet, nice, etc.
3. a little bit cold

1. Laquesha: YOU FUCKIN HOE BAG I HATE YOU DIE BITCH
Cassie: wow chill

Never send Lewis and Milton to fetch a pig,,,

2011-12-12T09:10:00.000-06:00

Progress on the V.I.P. Lounge is moving right along. The roof is up, drunk rails, plans drawn up for the bar itself, and the tile is going down. I can almost taste those beers!What? who am I kidding. We have been over there drinking all along, just sitting on beer crates.

Doris had a BBQ again this weekend. I spoke with her Saturday morning and was told this BBQ would be chicken only. Oh, how come no pig? She tells me about the crew she sent to Riversdale to wrangle the pig. Once they got to the pig pen, one wrangler didn’t realize he was to fetch a pig and said he was wearing too nice clothes to wrestle with the pigs. The backup pig wrestler came right out and said he was afraid of pigs and ain’t getting in that pen.The pig farmer threw up his arms and sent them home, pigless.So chicken it was.
I asked if the chickens were easier to catch, she said 'Yes', they were in the freezer.
(the pig was delivered the next night)

As I may have mentioned in the past, I am realy wanting to improve on my people portrait skills. I don’t feel anywhere near competent when trying to get good portraits. I am always asking for modles, pretty girls preferably, but anyone who will sit for me helps.Got a chance the other night. The ‘working girls’ at a local bar you may have heard about, were willing.
Now I feel I can light bats very well, and get some hummingbirds to pose for me. I feel confident there.
Why do I have such trouble getting people shots I am happy with?Give up? Stick to birds and bats?
Nope. Gonna keep right on begging for ~~victims~~, subjects.

Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals…except the weasel

I don't hate mankind, it's people I can't stand,,,,

2011-12-06T20:49:00.001-06:00

OK,, somebody kiss my ass. No, not you,, Ok, well you’ll do.

But here’s the deal, the phone company came out yesterdayand updated our shit. New antenna, router, and,, I guess that’s it. Anyway, allwas working just fucking fine. Why now change it?

So when they left, our internet was working and our laptop couldconnect as well. But now the guests cannot connect? And I exhausted all my knowledgewhen I told them to ‘try it again’.

But we got this fancy-pants new antenna that shoots all theway to Riversdale!
It don 't matter,, I still like BTL!

Update on the “real estate salesman-vs-prostitute battle.

I have no clue who did it, but as soon as he came out anddemanded the shutdown of a local bar, without ANY facts what-so-ever, seems all of his real-estatesigns were spray painted!

But he cleaned the signs off and then offered a 5,000$reward for the conviction of the perpetrators.

Numerous people have volunteered to take the rap. The way itis seen, and IF there is a conviction OK,, maybe a 500$ fine. A couple trips toDangriga for court, (no big deal), and you end up $4,500 in the black!

Hell, I’m considering confessing my own bad self!

But on the cool side of things,, check out this wood carvingwe just got from some returning guests.

It was made with the help of a mentally challenged personnamed Vincent. Who I hear is very excited when he hears his work is popular!

Well Vincent did a whop-up job on this beer bottle. I amtold there are 44 pieces of in-lay in this thing!!

I did all I could to show it in a photo, but until you layyour hands on it,, you won’t understand it.

To say it is way cool is an understatement..

Anyway,,,, there is your updates

Bats and Hamsters.

2011-12-04T14:36:00.001-06:00

Busy busy busy.

Spent Friday scouring the countryside looking for a stand-up ~~fridge,~~ er, beer cooler. Have never been real happy with the short, squatty thingwe have now. Just about have to get on the floor to grab stuff from the lowershelves. Kinda a pain.

Finally found one we like in Belmopan. Now we wait to seehow long before it gets delivered.

The roof is up at the V.I.P. Lounge! Drunk rails too. He isto start laying tile soon.

Had a real nice BBQ there yesterday as well. Chicken, porkand Gibnut.

What the fucks a Gibnut you ask?

It’s a big hamster. Real big hamster.

I don’t care for it but others go all ga ga like people dowith lobster.

It’s a freekin hamster!

Is this bat mooning me?

You open a friend’s refrigerator and are bewildered to find food where the beer should be.

A little of dis and a little of dat,,,

2011-11-27T10:43:00.001-06:00

All quite on the western front.All guests checked out this morning and now for some cleanup and more minor repairs.Turkey day has came and went since we last posted. We stayed home and had a nice turkey meal. The carcass is in the stew pot right now on it’s way to becoming my favorite,, Turkey noodle soup!And looky there. Scurvy’s trampy girlfriend has plopped her ass right in the middle of the floor, contently inhaling the aromas.Time for a mention of a village restaurant/bar. RUMFISH.

It’s located in Placencia across from the ball field. I was asked to shoot some photos for their website so I spent a couple hours there Friday night. The place is great, the staff is well trained, friendly, and very polite. The beers were cold drafts so you know I was happy.

Although I did not eat, everything I saw both on the menu and passing by me tells me we should get back and try some food!

So RUMFISH gets a big thumbs up from me!Speaking of bars and thumbs up,, I see the zinc is being installed today on the roof of the V.I.P. Lounge!It’s just a matter of days now before I can plop my ass back in a bar stool and help solve all the worlds problems along with some of the sharpest minds this side of, of, of,, oh I don’t know. Let’s say Silk Grass.I’m serious. By the time I leave there after a good evening bellied up to the bar, you would be amazed on what we have all figured out. And we hit just about every subject you can think of.Trouble is,, no one takes any notes. So we have to reconvene the next night and start all over.But rest assured, we are on it like Oprah on a baked ham!

They [women] need us [men] just as much as we need them. Why? Because we can do the job and you can't take a battery home to meet your mother."

Now all I need is photos of Hookers! UPDATED WITH VIDEO

2011-11-18T13:52:00.001-06:00

That last post will be a tough one to beat. Hell, I got to slam a preacher, and Real-estate salesman while at the same time defending the prostitution profession. Hell, that’s a Hat Trick for me! A tri-fecta.And like I said, I will keep you up when anything good happens.
Back to reality.

It has been 5 months now with the new camera. How is everything getting along you ask?I could not be happier. Well, I could but it ain’t gonna happen.This is one sweet machine. It will take me a bit longer before I have all the possible custom features set to what I think would be perfect, because there is one hellofa lot of them!Some things that really stand out in my ‘like’ category.
The feel. It’s a heavy, well made, metal camera. It fits well in my hands and feels right.
The large monitor. I went from a 1.8 inch to the 3 inch and man is it nice.
Dual card slots. Configurable to many combinations of saving files.
Large buttons. Bigger and well placed. And the most frequently used ones can be custom assigned a purpose. Very useful.

A larger sensor. Makes for nicer photos.
The MB-D10 battery pack/vertical grip. Love this extra! Twice the battery capacity and very comfortable to use especially with my larger lens. Balances things out nice.
CLS. Nikon’s ‘Creative Lighting System’. I am still a newbie to ‘wireless lighting but I want to explore this more. Problem is, I cannot mix my one non-CLS compatible strobe with the one compatible strobe. They fight each other like kids. But I’m working on it.

Any bitches?
One, but it’s not the camera.
I store my gear in Pelican cases when not in use. The case is not tall enough to store the camera with the batt grip installed. So I have to remove it each time I store the camera.And now with more gear, my 3 cases are getting to be a pain to deal with. Minor I know.
One odd thing to note. The new camera, batt grip both have the lable MADE IN THILAND on them? Same with the manual. So even Japan is outsourcing work these days.
That manual by the way, is 404 pages deep.The phone book for the entire country of Belize, including yellow pages, Gov’nt pages, and cell phones is only 209!

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Jaguars, Vipers, and Hookers OH MY!

2011-11-16T14:38:00.004-06:00

I’m back.
Beers were good at the V.I.P. Lounge last night, even tho we sit on stumps and crates. And Doris cranked out some great chow as well. Still need music tho.

Got a few stories brewing that are worth sharing. Where to start. Lets start with GOD.
For years now we have had right here on the peninsula our very own version of Jim and Tammy Faye Baker. A ‘so called’ Minister and his wife, who actually looks like Tammy!
They began here with a small Mennonite house just barely bigger than ours, nothing special.
Then hurricane Iris knocked that house to the ground.
A N.C religious magazine, or some shit like that, wrote a story detailing the suffering and inhumane hardships this man-o-God had to deal with in the weeks following that storm.
This story had him living in the back of his tiny truck surviving on Bean&Weenies all the while Jaguars and Vipers were circling. No showers, tarantulas the size of dinner plates, all kinds of shit.
In reality, he was seen at various hotels around the country while his little house was put back up, and it was about the first one to be put back up too.
So, in other words, this magazine article was total bullshit. Just something to raise donations.
Well it worked!
Because very soon after, that little Mennonite house was replaced with a huge concrete mansion with 8ft cement walls around it topped with razor wire. Inside the compound are parked a brand new shiny 4x4 truck and a equally new and shiny Mercedes SUV.
These he drives to the Maya villages to preach the good word to these very poor people with dirt floors AND to bring back donations, in the form of bags of change.
THEN, GOD finds it in his/her heart to fund the building of a religious radio station across the road from this fortress.
And so it goes for years.
Now we hear this Man-O-GOD has envolved a lawyer and is trying to shut down the teeny tiny pre school just to the south of him. Why would he do this you may ask?
He claims the kids make too much noise during recess.
So some digging was done. And what was found was that his big ass compound is on the market for a cool 2 million.
And if there are some noisey kids nearby that could hamper his path to easy street.
So FUCK THEM KIDS, they gotta go.
I’ll keep you informed as to just how this plays out.

Next scandal involves the other profession I happen to loathe.
Real estate salesman.
One of them here started this thread on Face Book about a local bar called Ooga Booga Fun Club, located down in S.B.
He starts his rant with how they are exploiting children and forcing them into prostitution. He goes on and on and soon has a few others feeding on his paranoia.
He is corrected a few times and has not uttered a word since.
It has been quite entertaining the last couple days watching all this. I pointed out to this nit-wit how he is really the one exploiting his own kid by plastering her face on every for sale sign for miles of here hoping it will somehow induce a sale.
So there is 2 tales of hypocrisy to the 4th power.

Then on to the next tale of woe.
Remember a few posts back where I mentioned a Humane Society meeting at Mango’s that turned into a childish playground sand fight?
Well at that meeting they did manage to elect an entire new board of directors.
That was what, 2-3 weeks ago?
Well since then there has been a mass exodus from the top down.
Didn’t see that coming did ya?
Lets just hope the animals come out better off from it all.

So there ya have it, just the way it came to me. The first 2 tales are on going FB battles, the last one, I heard from about 4 different people before someone finally said ‘there is supposed to be a gag order on all this”. Well someone, maybe more, wiggled out of their gag and let it fly.

Everyday it is something I tell ya.

The glass isn’t half empty or half full. It just needs to be topped off.

Things are a heatin up round here,,,,

2011-11-15T20:36:00.000-06:00

OK, here is the latest I have.
Wait,, I have been drinking beer since around 1600,, let me get back to you in the morning.
But ,,, it’s some good juicy shit!

What the hell time is it? And how did that boat get here?

2011-11-12T12:22:00.007-06:00

We’ve all seen it before. Some obscure date comes along and we hear that ‘it will never happen again for a million years’, or some shit.
Well yesterday it happened again.
If you looked at you digital clock at 11:11 either AM or PM, it would have showed the date and time as 11/11/11 11:11.
Whoopdishit you say, and so did I because it happens every year on some date.
Next year on December 12 it will read 12/12/12 12:12.
But, and heres the rub. IF WE MAKE IT PAST Dec 21st end of the world date, the date and time won’t line up like that again till 1/1/1 1:01
Jan 1st, 2101
Correct me if I’m wrong,, my head hurts now.

And I just could not stay awake for the big event, this is as close as I got.

And check out the new ‘decorations’ along the road.
I am not real sure having a wrecked boat out in front of the dive shop is all that good for business.

“Oh look,, I want to go out with them!”
And as you walk towards the dive shop, you will see these. What? plastic cactus? And is that really a plastic palm tree mixed in with the real ones? I am told they light up at night. Can anyone say GAWDY?

Good grief.

Sprinklings coming in about a certain Preacher who is actively trying to shut down a pre school thing near his house. I hear the kids make too much noise during recess.
More when I have it.

The V.I.P. Lounge rises from the ashes like a pagan God! UPDATED

2011-11-10T07:44:00.004-06:00

Yesterday was the first fund raiser for the Gecko. BBQ chicken, pork and beef.
It musta been a great success as she ran outa food at both sessions, noon and then again at 1700!

We ate at both times and enjoyed it.
Then for the last few evenings it has been back to the future for the V.I.P. crowd. We have to go old school for awhile. Back to parking our butts on beer crates and having the kids fetch us beers. Not bad and we have certainly done it before.
Need to get some music going tho,, soon!

Preps are underway for the re-birth of the bar. Supplies have been acquired for the roof. Going back with zinc this time.
Not as ‘Caribbean’ looking as thatch but it has advantages.
One being they can collect rain.

Elsewhere in da Breach,, not a bunch to report. Our man is back mowing after a week and a half break so the place still looks good!

EDIT: I will try to find one of these hi-tech fire alarms for the new bar!

It's only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realise how often they burst into flames

Disaster strikes Da Breach! EDITED

2011-11-05T19:24:00.009-06:00

At around 1530 or so, I heard the familiar WHOOMP of either thatch or palmettos going up in flames. It didn’t sink in at first but almost immediately there was a phone call.
HUNGRY GECKO IS ON FIRE!
We both got up, slapped on some shoes and headed for Doris.
And oh,, hell, yes,, the place was A-BLAZE!
A very good turn-out was there with buckets and hose’s.
As with any fire at first there is total confusion. Where’s the water, who brought buckets, but soon we fell into a good rhythm with the bucket brigade. Adriane was supplying extra hose and helping with the brigrade.
I ended up in the bar, top of the steps, first to toss water on the flames.
I think back now and I could cry.
The first bucket I threw was at my favorite barstool! The one I tend to sit at every time I go there. AND IT WAS FLAMIN!
The place looked like Dante's inferno centered right around my stool!
The next bucket went to Lewis’s stack of cd’s that were already a pile of goo.
Then each of the next buckets went to the bar itself. The bar we have all rested our elbows on since around ’97.
The actual bar was first in ‘The Excape’.
Hurricane Iris washed it away and the bar ended up at either the first Hungry Gecko or maybe the Frisky Frog, I don’t really remember the exact route.
But it finally ended up at Doris’s Hungry Gecko.

The place was a total loss.
The good news is, the concrete foundation should be fine. And Santos is great at building so I bet this will be re-born as soon as possible.
Doris and Santos have many many friends and family. They are liked by all.
It is a shame to see this happen to them, especially now. They were doing great, very popular; the season is just kicking in, all good for them. They did not deserve this.
I am told it was nothing more than an accident that caused it.
There will be many fund raisers in the coming weeks.
WE NEED OUR FAVORITE BAR BACK!!

Since we seem to be pretty good at begging donations, please make even more here for this very worthy cause.
Any of you out of country that wish to donate, send it to us. We will make sure they get it.
I am going by tomorrow with some supplies and to see just what they need right away.
WE NEED THE HUNGRY GECKO BACK!!!!

EDIT: They had been allowing me to store the lawn mower under the bar since we really don't have room here.
Someone had the sense to drag it out at the beginning of the fire as it has about 5 gallons of gas in it!
When it was over and time to go home, I fired up the mower to take it home. (no sense burdening them with that).
As i am walking the mower home, a neighbor pulls over and seriously asks me 'Why in theee hell did you bring a lawn mower to a fire?"
We both got a good laugh out of that.

nom nom nom nom,,,

2011-11-02T15:30:00.007-06:00

I’m in the mood.
Yep, going to start doing some ‘creative’ cooking round here.
I am bored with what is on our menu each and every night.
Pork, chicken, some variation of each, repeat.
Google is my friend and youtube is a close second. There are unlimited ideas with these 2 for meals.
I have had trouble in the past with pie crust. Not anymore.
Nope, yesterday I made an excellent batch of meat pies. Not the usual chili filled type cause I didn’t have the stuff, but a pizza pie, if you will. Sausage, pepperoni, spices, and a red sauce with cheese. A very good start.

Now I need to find out why the Chinese don’t use cheese?
So watch and sniff for some weird smells coming from ‘Chez Barnacle in the very near future.

Yesterday someone mailed me cash for the road beautification project but instead of real money they sent me a Canadian $20 bill. Which is kind of fucked up because I wasn’t aware that Canada had different money than normal people, and I don’t even know what Canadian money is supposed to look like so for all I know someone made this on their printer and is just fucking with me.

It looked suspect.

You have the opportunity to respond to whatever happens in your world. You're probably going to choose badly though. I suggest adding booze to the equation because then you have an excuse for whatever dumbass thing you’re probably going to do anyway.

Take your can of beans and GET OFF MY LAWN!

2011-10-30T09:45:00.009-06:00

Yea yea yea,, so it’s Halloween. Whoopdishit.
I can remember when we first arrived here, no one really cared about it either. But every year since it has become a premier get drunk occasion.
I used to dress up too. Every year I would dress up as a drunk Mental Breach resident and hit the bars.

A costume I have refined over the years to fit me perfectly. And it is really easy to do and cheap.

Sitting round here the other night and Mrs. Barn asked me “what if kids DO come around trick-or-treating, what do we give them?”
We both looked around and saw two items right off we could toss into their little goodie bags, a can of green beans and an old, stale liter of diet root beer.
And they would also receive the story of how when I was their age, we would have been damn glad to have a can of green beans! That was way before beans were even invented!
And how I would have knocked my own mother out of the way to reach stale root beer.

When I’m a zombie, I’m dipping everyone in RANCH. What is Billy Mays doing here? Oh, right.

Sandbox play at it's best.

2011-10-28T19:01:00.004-06:00

OK,, I got a comment from a reader who said she was tired of the butt burger she was greeted with every time she looked at the blog. And you know me, I am an obliging type guy.
So just to erase that from her eyesight, here is a short report on yesterdays Humane Society’s election meeting.

First let me be clear the only reason I attended was for one, it was held at Mango’s, and two, I knew there would be fireworks.
I’m sorry,, I really don’t care who is running the show, I know they are doing what they think is best. It all seems to work in the animals favor,, sorta.
But I am sold on Dr. Babtist. He is our go-to Dr. if Scurvy get sick.
But to watch this meeting spiral into an overblown argument about what a meeting should and should not allow, what rules should and should not be adhered to, who is right and who is wrong, blah blah blah,, was pretty depressing. Bylaws, proxy’s, rules, yadda yadda blah. Never once was anything mentioned about how the animals would benefit from the new ‘board’, just how the new ‘board’ was going to straighten out the bylaws, rules, proxys, yadda yadda blah.
In my opinion, every ounce of energy should go to the animals, not that bullshit. But,, hey, that’s just me.
I remember years ago I got pissed off because the board wanted to spend money getting business cards for board members!
BULLSHIT!
There’s a cat over there that needs a,,,, foot or some shit. Spend the money there.
Anyway, emotions ran high and I no doubt will piss off SOMEONE who reads this but hey, that’s what I am for, right?

(squirrel from Denver)

The best way to die is sit under a tree, eat lots of bologna and salami, drink a case of beer, then blow up.

Time to get busy,, I guess.

2011-10-23T11:05:00.006-06:00

And so it begins. Tomorrow is the official start of our season. The guests arrive in the afternoon and keep coming till June or some shit. No more fuckin around for me. I now have to clean up and put on my ‘Concierge’ shirt. (Go ahead,, look it up)
We have the place shined up real nice and with the road side being shined up as well, the whole of Mental Breach is looking great!
Sitting upstairs at the V.I.P. Lounge a few nights ago and we were commenting how different the view is from years ago when it was a mud pit in the jungle.
Almost all services are better, restaurants are among the best, bars are popular, beer is delivered, and it really is a nice place to be.

And just look at this burger! You may have to search but it can be found in Da Breach!

(photo not mine, dammit)

I like beer. On occasion, I will even drink beer to celebrate a major event such as the fall of Communism or the fact that the refrigerator is still working.

Batter up,,,,!

2011-10-17T11:22:00.003-06:00

Some folks hope to win the lottery, some want to do the horizontal mambo with (insert favorite fantasy here), hell, some people even want to live a long clean life.
Me,, I want this to be the last thing a burglar sees as he is sneaking back out of where he just broke into.
That’s not too much to ask and I will most likely step up to the plate before you lay down with who’s-his/her-face.

I like my beer cold... my music loud... and my homosexuals flaming.

Time to get yer Umpalumpa's in a huddle,,,

2011-10-12T06:44:00.004-06:00

Slow season here. Happens every year. Some business’s shut down for repairs and/or a break. Good for me, bad for some others. The ones who really take advantage of this time are the buglars. The little motherfuckin assholes really get at it.
You have to stay on your toes cause I swear, you let your guard down for just a second and they will find your weak spot.
I blame the GOB. They are responsible for the unemployment rate. Some people are hungry. But deep down I believe these thieves are just lazy dicks who don’t want to work. They look at thieving as a job, and it can pay well. They know the odds of being caught are so low it is laughable. Scared away or foiled in their attempts but hardly never caught.
I have spent a few nights on stake-out hoping to get a chance to do some batting practice with my aluminum bat, but none so far.

As they would say back in ‘Nam, “we had some zips in the wire last night”.
Yep, bad guys were probing our perimeter for weakness’s and found one out in the shop by the road.
They removed a couple louvers and could have gained access. But it appears one of two things happened.
1. Our top notch K-9 security system went into I’M GONNA FUCKIN KILL YOU mode and scared them off.
2. They looked inside and decided there was nothing worth their trouble to steal.
Either way, only damage was the 2 louvers.
Mango’s on the other hand was not so lucky.
They lost a few big ticket items the same night to most likely the same a-holes.

So as a result, because I am still hesitant to recruit that bunch of midget gay guys to roam the compound, I gave Scurvy a code red, DEFCON-5.

That is his highest state of alertness before going into full blown snapping, snarling, salivating, teeth gnashing, rip your fuckin nuts right off and piss on your face mode.
Because Umpalumpa’s? They just ain’t right.

So if you come round here anytime soon, announce your arrival and watch your nuts!

No boobs were either harmed OR exposed for this event,,,

2011-10-09T07:03:00.013-06:00

Hot dam! Big night at Mango’s last night.
The first ever BAPE (beer and poker extravaganza) took place and it was a huge turn out.
Some note-worthy happenings,

No one removed their shirt, sad but true.
There were two full tables of players when this started,
There was an unlikely winner, an underdog so to speak,
We don’t have to listen to a Texan brag about winning for the next month,
There was only one person, who requested to NOT have photos posted in the blog,
And a dam good time was had by all!

Frank did his usual fine job of keeping us all well fed and beer-ed. He even added a few extra staff members, a girl stationed at each table to keep the players blood/alcohol levels adjusted correctly.

And with 2 kegs, he never runs out of beer!
I can see where this will become a regular occurring event as it was very good for the area and Frank had a very good business night as well. Look for notice of the next game day.

One disclaimer: Frank was also very good at keeping me beer-ed up as well, so I am not proud of any of these photos, but that’s what happens when I mix beer and megapixels. I'm not blaming Frank.

AND YOUR WINNER IS,,,, SCOTT! good job!

"Those articles that say married couples have sex every month are just sensationalistic lies perpetrated on the public to sell magazines. It's hooey I tell you, hooey."

Liquor up front, poker in the rear.

2011-10-05T20:01:00.007-06:00

POKER,,, yep, a full on no-holds-barred Texas hold-um tourney is taking place this weekend. Be there or be square.
I was not paying attention when the format was explained, but I plan to be there camera in tow.
And as you can clearly see, Ms. Tilly here is holding a solid pair!

But in some more local news, check out just how well this new BBQ starter works. That fucker gets some coal glowing!

And just because I needed something to photograph while drinking beer, I found this watch I bought from the ships store onboard the USS Lockwood FF 1064, I sent it to my dad as a gift. When he died I brought it back home with me. Still works like a champ!
By the way, I bought this in '76.

Put a clamp on it would ya.

2011-10-01T16:01:00.012-06:00

Weather funky again. It’s the time of year we have lots of flooded spots we can rinse the sand from our feet. Knee deep to a mid sized dog, you might say.

But other than that, was dickin ‘round shooting hummers a few days ago and got some nice shots, but I see it is beginning to be boring. So as I slurped a few bottles of the ‘Elixir of Knowledge’ it hit me. We need to see these birds in a more realistic setting, and that would include a flower.

Me being the type of hunter that does not like to leave the sanctity of my deck chair, and cold beer I began to ponder a solution. Out to the shop I stumbled and a few minutes later I emerged with what I call the “Flower Clamp”. (Not to be confused with the little party spot across the lagoon “Flower Camp’.)

I found a sturdy clamp, bent a coat hanger around it, straightened out the hanger and attached a small alligator clamp to that end. Badda Boom Badda Bing,, a Flower Clamp!
Now I can clamp the big end to almost anything and hold something smaller in the other end. In this case it was clamped to the handrail with a flower in the other end. It was not a minute before a bird checked it out. I did sprinkle some sugar water on it.

I’m a fuckin ~~genoius~~ ~~genious~~ ~~geinous~~ really smart.

And then I saw this,, it summed up my mom’s current driving situation perfectly.
How do you know when it's time to hang up the car keys? When the dog looks like this.

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.

I've lost my wood!

2011-09-25T13:33:00.007-06:00

Vacations over, kaput, finnito, done.
Did we have a blast? Hell no.
Worst vacation ever.
15 days total it lasted, the last 6 were in our house.
But it’s done and we can get back to our regularly scheduled program.
Two guys from Garcia Construction did all the work, a father and son team. They secured the counters to the wall before they covered them in plysum, then tiled over. Same in all 3 houses.

Only exception was they also tiled our tub incloser. The other two were done a few years back.
The guys did a great job and we highly recommend Garcia Construction. But we have not got the bill yet.
It was somewhat sad to see that hardwood get covered up but we came to the realization that that was just not the greatest idea for a counter top.

A woman is like beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one.

Mud-O-Cross, Belizean style.

2011-09-19T09:00:00.011-06:00

The weather has been shitty for awhile now. A couple weeks ago we got 6 inchs of rain that flooded the compound here and it has not gotten a chance to dry out yet. It just keeps raining and drizzeling.
Good thing the construction crew is working inside, although they do venture out to cut tiles.
Speaking of venturing out, I got a rare treat yesterday. What’s that you ask? Well I had been looking forward to attending a motocross race here in Belize ever since I found out they actually do have them!
And glory be un-to-me I was going to go, as long as the river don’t rise.
Well bigger-n shit, Saturday the Kendal bridge was closed due to the river flowing 2 feet above it.
Dammit, I’m gonna get screwed outa a race because 3 years ago the bridge washed out, and the GOB has not replaced it yet!
But by Sunday morning the water had receded and it was passable so off I went, camera in hand.
Mrs. Barn stayed behind due to the construction but she wants to go next time.
With all the rain the track was a virtual mud-pit. A guy could have made money selling tear-offs or roll-off systems as I saw none being used. But these kids are doing all they can to get boots so a goggle system would be considered an unnecessary luxury.

It was somewhat refreshing to see a race at this level. No fancy stuff, just the basics.
A team from Guatland came over and they held their own very well against the Belizean Mennonites.

Yup, I said Mennonites. Most of the riders were from Spanish Lookout, a Mennonite community north of here.

It was somewhat odd being at a MX race where there was no beer being sold and the pit-tootsies wore traditional Mennonite dresses and scarves. Not sumptin I am used to for sure. But,, I found some beer, ha ha.

But the whole event was cool, and I plan to attend all I can and support Belize’s newest registered sport.
Just gotta remember to bring my own beer,, shouldn’t be hard.

Half of life is fucking up - the other half is dealing with it.

Mr. & Mrs. Barns most excellent vacation,, part 1

2011-09-14T14:24:00.005-06:00

Yep it’s true. We are going on vacation, together!
We have not had a vacation together since we moved to Belize. We both went to Denver twice. Once for an emergency funeral and once for my dad’s 80th birthday bash. But both trips Mrs. Barn only got to stay a couple days before coming back to run the biz and feed the dog. So no, neither one of those would count as a vacation.
We pack our shit tonight and leave outa here by 0700 SHARP!
We found a really nice place where we can hang out for a week. There are great restaurants within walking distance, internet access, hot water, full kitchen, kayaks and bikes, no phone or tv tho. And best of all it is complimentary! That’s right we are being comped for our full stay!
And did I mention we are allowed to bring Scurvy with us? Cool!
Don’t know yet what kind of activities we will take on but beer swillin I’m sure will find its way onto my ‘to-do’ list.
It’s a short travel too and as I/we are getting older that’s the way we like it. We leave by 0700 and I bet we will check in around 0703.
Hey, that’s a really short travel.
Heres the deal. The construction crew is done with the rentals and they start on our casa in the morning. So we gotta vacate the premises. Where we going? To one of the rentals.
And the best way to deal with this minor inconvenience is to call it a vacation,, I guess.
They will have our kitchen and bath tore up so not much else we can do. To be honest,, it’s gonna suck big time.
But it’s only for we hope a week.
And the silver lining on this cloud, not only do we get a remodeled kitchen and bath, but we get to hit the local restaurants for meals! Not Scurvy tho,, he gets his same shitty dog food.
So if you are looking for us, try one of the rentals. We may be lounging on the beach somewhere too.

In other utterly fascinating news,, Albert from A.L. Construction has donated a mower to the M.B. road beautification project, which I somehow got put in charge of.
It is a John Deere walk-behind commercial mower. It’s used but seems to be in good shape.

It’s all greased, sharpened and ready for action. I have placed an ad for some young individual to run it and got a response within an hour!
As soon as the rains quit and the flooding resides I want to take it for a spin myself. I am right now fabricating a cup holder for my beers, and an umbrella for some shade.
Gotta admit, Albert contributes allot to the community.

You can stab me with knives, you can beat me with clubs,
you can make me open my eyes when we're having sex but there's
no way on earth you can make me get a second job.

Boom Boom, out go the lights,,,,,

2011-09-07T15:27:00.002-06:00

Hey,, my contractors have been here 3 days now!
I got new handrails, roof supports, entry door too.
Kitchen counters are up next.
The last 2 nights have been wicked lightning storms. And with that brings on the power outages. Luckily, it has been fairly cool at night, 75 one night, so that is good. But I have a hard time sleeping thru all that racket.
And them poor bastards down south, from Turtle Inn all the way to the point have been without from last night until 10pm tonight! And then we see scheduled outage for tomorrow from 7am to 2pm!
That shit makes me cranky.
Best keep the beers on ice!

If at first you don't succeed, try drinking beer while you do it. You'll be amazed at how much less you care.

Vampires hate ice cream. UPDATED.

2011-09-04T14:33:00.000-06:00

We did it! We stayed out past dark and made it home unscathed. Not a single vampire was spotted, not even in Seine Bight!What was the reason for this nonsense you ask?Well it was 102 degrees in da Breach so we thought we would go to the village and see if it was hotter down there. It was.But we found some shade at The Barefoot Bar and settled in. low and behold it was horse shoe day as well.It had been years since either of us slung a horseshoe but we signed up to play.She whooped me right handily in the main round. But I excelled in the money round. Neither of us won anything but we saw a ton of friends we don’t see often and that is always good.Oh, got hammered too.Still 100 degrees today but looky what is waiting for me tonight.After beers and I string up my hammock to settle in for some TV, I have a slice of Peanut Brittle Ice cream Pie to pack on top of the burrito I’ll have for dinner.

Picture that mixture down there in my guts, all mushed and chewed up. Yummm!Spose I’ll get the farts?

UPDATE: I forgot to mention that the pie came from our good friends at the M.B. Bistro,, of course!

What a gorgeous day. Lets go sit in the bar!

And Elvis said unto thee "Let there be gas"!

2011-08-31T12:58:00.006-06:00

Howz bout an update on what I have ‘heard’ concerning the proposed gas station here in da Breach.

It appears a ‘stop work’ order was issued I believe by the S.B. village council. It also appears that work has indeed stopped. But the delivery of material has not. There is a big pile of beam looking things laying there now, but not a construction worker to be seen.

watch video here,,,

http://www.lovetv.com.bz/2011/08/31/maya-beach-residents-reject-proposed-gas-station-site/

This will be interesting to see how it all plays out.
Will Elvis get permission to build his gas station on what seems to be the worst place ever for one? And if so, how will he do it?
As you all know, everything and everybody is for sale in Belize.
And it is amazing how cheaply people can be bought and sold.

We went back to Belmopan for yet another try at sorting out the problem the Lands dept created with our property. Seems we got it all straight after about 6 trips and lots of frustration.
We also bought the tile we need for our upgrades that start tomorrow.
Everything is ready to go, sinks have been removed and all dishes and crap is out of the way.
Then I see our contractor this morning and of course, he won’t start now till Monday.
It’s shit like this that was the reason we allowed 2 months to complete what is most likely a 2 week job.
Maybe someone issued me a stop order, before we started!

But the greatest love–the love above all loves, Even greater than that of a mother… Is the tender, passionate, undying love, Of one beer drunken slob for another.

GOOD MORNING, GOOD MORNING, GOOD MORNING, GOOD MORNING, GOOD MORNING, GOOD MORNING

2011-08-27T14:58:00.005-06:00

So on a more up-beat note, the weather has been superb lately! I cannot remember it ever being so calm in the morning, about 10 in a row! The water is like glass, blue skies and all. I guess when there is a hurricane somewhere else it sucks all the bad weather into it?

In the past I am sure you have heard me moan on about all the basket sales people who come around to bug the guests into buying their crafts. Some I don’t mind and some I have to supervise.
And young man named Mateo comes around and he is one I don’t mind. He struck up a deal with our current guests for some baskets and carved wooden bowls, and he delivered them today while they were out snorkeling.
His wife makes these baskets by hand in their village on the southern hyway. I am going to set up a photo shoot over there to see how she does it.
I am told these things will hold water but have never tried it.
I included a cropped shot to give you a better idea of the detail involved in these things.

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.

Elvis meets Maya Beach.

2011-08-25T20:06:00.000-06:00

OK, serious resistance to a gas station at the proposed spot.
There are many reasons against a gas station; the ones for it are not up to the argument.
Naturally, a couple ‘contractors’ have reacted to the ‘stop work order’ with the usual cry about the workers who have to feed their families. And so by stopping this gas stations construction kids will starve. You will hear this over and over from both real estate agents and contractors both. They will build anything anywhere no matter what. If the GOB gives the go-ahead, then their conscience is blank. I could not live that way.
“I got the contract to build a nuclear waste disposal site right here in Maya Beach. It will keep me busy for years!” yea me!
I understand contractors have to survive, but how bout some consideration for the community? There are a couple who will build ANYTHING if they are paid. Is that right?
Hit the new poll with your views.

The times they are a changing,,,

2011-08-24T16:19:00.001-06:00

Just when things get nice and comfortable, something has got to change. And sometimes it’s for the better, sometimes not.
You get all comfy in a particular bar and WHAM they change owners/managers. Right in mid-beer!
Just get a new set of shocks and wheel bearings put in the truck, they pave the road.
Fall in love with the tamales at a certain road side choke and barf, boom, her cart gets stolen.
You have to remain flexible I tell ya.
There is rumors floating round up here, bouncing is more like it. But they concern our existing Chinese store and the possibility of another.
Everybody and I mean EVERYBODY loves the store now and the folks who run it, and would rather not see it change.
But that may not be the case.
There are talks of a new store combined with a gas station being built by other Chinese folks.
And the rumors are getting out of hand.
I am taking the stand of sitting back and wait to see what really happens. I’ll fill you in when I know more.

If you don’t drink, then all of your stories suck and end with, “And then I got home".

Hey, it was broke when I got there.

2011-08-22T13:53:00.001-06:00

Times they do change.
Look at this photo of me receiving the ‘stink eye’.

I doubt there is a married guy out there who has not seen some version of this.
I’m not by any means saying I don’t deserve this treatment, but to document it is rare! There it is,, just in case you have never seen it. I just happened to have a camera nearby and I documented this rarity for your viewing pleasure.
OK, now you’re wondering what I did to deserve this in the first place. As you married guys know, I did ab-so-fucking-lutly nothing to deserve this! Nope, didn’t fart, just sittin here mindin my own gotdam business.
And WHAM,, stink-eye.
It’s OK tho,, as always, we worked thru it in no time.
Turns out I am not the asshole I thought I was. For now.

On a more somber note, I had to do something today I never done before.
I have a friend/cousin-inlaw who has been battling the big C for a couple years now. He was just told he has 4-6 weeks before he checks out.
I needed to phone him up and chat but what the fuck do I say?
It has been about 25 years since we hung out but I felt we were close.
So I got him on the phone not knowing what I should say.
I thought it was awkward for me, till I began to think about his side of the conversation. I cannot imagine being in his spot.
We had a nice conversation, as it could be. I want to phone him back again in about a week.

As I/we get older It become apparent we will have to deal with death more than we want to. I have tried to avoid it all my life, but it is all around me lately.

If my next post is not more upbeat, someone should come by and slap all the shit outa me.
And that goes especially for the dipshit who keeps leaving stupid comments!
Asshole.

I hope I didn’t brain my damage

What? Down again! UPDATED!

2011-08-18T14:22:00.005-06:00

Yep, just a little shout-out, about a bout a gout I am dealing with right now.
My head is having a really hard time wrapping round this. I wake up one morning from a good sleep, no fist fights, no car wrecks, no Ninja warriors that I know of and WHAM, my knee is the size of a cantaloupe(big one), hurts like all hell, and I can’t walk. WTF? This has been my worst bout of gout no doubt about it.
I am told it is gout. And I am constantly told I need to change some habits.
Ok, give up red meat, done, shellfish, no brainer, drink more water, I am already doing that, and limit or quit drinking beer!
I’m sorry, what was that last one?
There is no way I could form the words “no I can’t drink that beer, it makes my knee hurt.”
Anyway,, terrible time for me to be down as a storm is fast approaching and things need to get done. But I can barely walk now so it better be a small storm.
Fuck.

UPDATE: I figured out how this happened. Saturday while attending the birthday party I took a seat. Seating was somewhat limited but there was one chair with wheels no one was using.
Another friend had just broke her ankle on her good leg and was using a wheelchair to get to the girls room and stuff. It was empty so I plopped a squat. Shortly thereafter I was informed it was bad luck to sit in a wheelchair.
This was Saturday,, Monday morning is when I woke up hobbled.
Hmmmmmm.
But what bout this guy? As far as I know he is OK. Maybe I absorbed all the bad juu juu before he plunked his ass down?

Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals…except the weasel.

The Lost Reef, FOUND!

2011-08-15T07:43:00.004-06:00

Hey looky us, we got out for a change! We even took Scurvy so he could socialize with the neighbors.

A surprise birthday party at The Lost Reef resort is what got us moving. Now that the road is paved there is hardly any excuse for not going. And to go north is nice for a change.

We did go to Belmopan on Friday but that’s a story I don’t want to re-hash.
Lost Reef has always been a fun place. I think the crowd that gathers are mostly from the north area and we do not know many of them. They have great food, great atmosphere, great employees, plenty of cold beer and rums, and just a fun time all around.
During this party a pool volleyball game busted open. Not as much cheating as one would expect but some questionable maneuvers for sure.

Final verdict, go out of your way if need be but swing in and check it out,,, if you have not. Or just stop as you head to or from the Southern. You won’t be sorry!

I'm in a place where I don't know where I am!

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT???

2011-08-11T19:14:00.005-06:00

Man,, I been sicker than a dog all week. How sick am I? yesterday I coughed up a phlegm wad that weighed 4 oz, hurled it out onto the street where a loaded dump truck ran over it and started his slide. Even all the down-shifting and jake-brakeing couldn’t stop his eventual landing off to the side.
Now he has no idea it was my loogie that sent his spinning but man-o-man it was a doozie! Technicolor too. The kind that would stick to a chainlink fence!
But I am on the mend. I have been treating it with vitamin ‘B’, and it seems to be working. Stick with what works I say.
And I am sure I don’t need to you vitamin ‘B’ is beer,,, do I? didn’t think so.
So mrs. Barn gets the hots to try my new camera and the subject is sick ‘ol me. OK fine, I’m game. UNLIKE HER!!

And here I am gaggin, wheezing and trying to pound down some Vit ‘B’.
The interesting thing about this photo, if anything, is the lighting. We drug out the RINGLIGHT. Notice the complete absence of the usual shadows you normally see with some kind of flash. Cool huh?
And to show the higher resolution of the new 12 mega pixel sensor, I zoomed in a bit.
Hit me with your no doubt perverted comments. I can take it.

And just so you know there are seriously good looking people in my family, here is a shot a quickly took of my cousins daughter (second cousin?)

See, we ain’t all bad!

Woody: How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Pretty nervous if I was in the room.

Cause theres a man down there, might be your man I don't know,,,

2011-08-10T12:20:00.007-06:00

Winding down the season here. One more set of guests before we shut-er-down for 2 months! WOW, that’s the first time ever we have done that!
We need to do some repairs on the place, all 3 houses get their countertops tiled over, one gets a new hand rail and door, and we get our shower enclose tiled. So this should be a laugh riot.

Went to a wedding this weekend. All the usual wedding stuff I suppose. But the happy couple have been together for years, have 2 kids and are just now getting the paperwork taken care of. Oh well, anything for a party.
Here is an interesting shot of the groom on the left, bride in the middle, and another friend on the right, about to get honked.

I was authorized to post this photo by the way.

Playing around with the new camera, checking settings.
Check out the butterfly eye.

And Scurvy eye.

And finaly, a guest stayed here a year ago with his wife on their honeymoon and wrote this song he said was ‘influenced by his stay’.
Pretty cool huh!

http://www.wheelandbrothers.com/Travis%20Wheeland%20-%20Always%20Placencia%20Town.mp3

Remember when there was that one annoying Aunt who at weddings would always poke her bony finger in your side and squeal “You’re next”?
I found that now I can get back at her by doing the same thing at furnerals.

It just don't get much better,,,,,,

2011-08-04T20:00:00.005-06:00

Still boring as all hell round here. So much so that yesterday I went to see if there were any photo ops at womens bowling day! Sorry,, I left after 3 beers.
As we drove to the alley we saw that Mango’s had a full parking lot. So when I went into estrogen overload I told Mrs. Barn she could find me at Mango’s. And I hoofed it on down there. And when I arrived, low-and-befuckin-hold the place was empty!
I asked if someone farted but got no real reply.
So I drank beers with Frank and Raquel while gazing out the window at the sea.
Just in case any of you do not know either Frank or Raquel, get your ass’s to Mango’s! And do it soon. Great place, great food and great personalities!

She picked me up soon and we went on back to our familiar surroundings, DoubleWide, beer, and music. Just like we like it.

Mrs. Barn is out playing poker right now with the, uh hmmm, neighborhood ladies, so I went to the V.I.P. Lounge for a few. Caught up on some shit, heard way more than I wanted about colonoscopies, bladder infections, skin growths, shit that itches, and where the new hookers hang out.
A typical night with the boys. I enjoy most of it.

Here in Belize you are lucky to find quality ANYTHING. Most is either cheap Chinese crap or priced so hi it is out of reasonable reach. That is why we like shopping in Denver so much.
Here your choice of flip-flops is narrowed down to the 2.50 $us dollar type. Buy them by the 12 pack and call it good.
But I believe I just bought my last pair,, ever.

Hand sewn leather, leather toe post, and just as comfy as a well done colonoscopy!
These are my ‘dress up, goin to town’ shoes.
Sweet huh?

A couple area girls who I don't know the names of.

Beer - . // An intoxicating golden brew that reemerges virtually unchanged one hour later.

Booty call!

2011-07-31T07:17:00.003-06:00

OK, where was we? Oh yea, I went to Denver to visit mom.
I tell ya, and I hate to say it but when the day comes I don’t have to travel I will be happy. It gets harder each year.
This trip I had full flights all the way to Denver and now that the scumsuckers charge you for every option including the tiny extra leg room in the exit isles, well lets just say 2 flights sucked.
Then at DIA the luggage carousels were choked up. #15 is where I was waiting on my bag of rocks and it was stuck at the top teetering on the conveyor. I said bullshit and climbed out there and yanked it off, climbing over all the other bags and dodging all the security dicks watching me.
Did I say rocks?

Yep, all my women folk up north wanted some of the beach stones to sand their feet with. I don’t know what the fuck that’s all about but I obliged. So this trip instead of going north with an empty bag, this time I went with a bag of rocks. I was hoping customs would pull me out of line but they never do.

I had pre-ordered so much booty that I needed to order a new rolling duffle just to bring it all back. My mom was freaking at the size of the pile in my old bedroom.
So I bought a 36in rolling duffle from Coleman. Very nice piece of luggage and only 50 bucks!
A fax machine, a wireless printer, 2 water pumps and all the usual bullshit I acquire and I was full.

But the coolest item was by far my new camera!
A Nikon D300s.
It's the one on the right, my old D100 is on the left.

And I am talking cool, as in TITS!
I tend to get the most out of my gear, including trucks. I am not the type who has to keep up with the updated latest and greatest; I probably would if I could afford it tho.

So I get all the life I can from everything.
Mrs. Barn keeps me in realality.

So looking at these 2 camera bodies you may not see 10 years of improvements, but believe you me,, there are TONS!
The gripes I had with the D100 are minor, as it was a great machine.
But, and there is always a but, it’s like getting out of a ’95 Camero and sliding into the seat of a ’11 Cadillac SUV!
There are some improvements.
I won’t bore you with them but trust me, this is a very sophisticated machine.
And I splashed out for the MBD10 vertical grip, more cool shit!

I have 16gig’s of film in the thing too.
Did I mention wireless flash control?
Hold on,, my boner is getting in the way of the keyboard.
There is certainly no guaranty my photos will get any better, but I am reminded of that most favorite compliment ever, after years and years of studying, practicing, shooting tons of photos trying to learn all I can, someone says “wow, you must have a really nice camera.”
Well, now I have a really nice camera. I guess it’s back in my court now.

Oh,, I know some of you out there are searching for the perfect umbrella swivel, well, this one ain’t perfect but it’s gotdam close. All metal, notched at the swivel, and shorter than others. Only gripe is I can’t remove the cold shoe to use something else. Minor I know but that’s what keeps it from being the perfect swivel. I picked up 2 for under 20 bucks. I know you all were fascinated by that, so you’re welcome.

Nikon girls don't share their gum.

I’d be happy to go on the wagon if I could find one with a bar.

Condos A Fire, the dramatic conclusion! bout time eh.

2011-07-29T02:17:00.000-06:00

Digby awoke to the sound of dump trucks bouncing up the road. The surf was splashing his feet and the sun was barely creeping over the horizon. Rubbing his eyes, he muttered, “fuckin dump trucks.” He had spent the night right where he washed up. The Elder was gone, but there was a note on a stump nearby. He took the note and read it. “Get everyone to muster at banana’s tonight at 1800,, important!”
I hope he has a plan to help free Waffle, Digby thought. He went back to the container carrying the bow board from Cat Sass, Waffle would want it. He took a quick shower and fired up the George Foreman grill. He was starving from last nights swim and some spam sounded great. After he ate, he would get word of the meeting to everyone.

The Elder rode his bicycle up the muddy road. He had a backpack strapped on his back and was making good time. He reached his spot, under a large Mango tree about 30yrds from Boozies, the only condominium facility that was completed. He un-strapped the backpack, removed a large Pelican case. Opening the case, he removed the Nikon D2x digital camera. He attached the huge 600mm f.4 lens. Found the carbon fiber monopod and attached the camera to its head. He powered the camera and began to look like he was just out for a day of bird photography. After a few shots of the sky, he pointed the lens at a window in the main condominium. He shot off around of ten shots before moving to another window. As he checked the images in the cameras LCD screen, he hit the zoom button. As the image grew in closer, his original suspicions were coming clear. He unassembled all his gear and headed back to Drunkards caye. This was the missing information he needed to prove his theory.
It had now begun to rain.

Digby went to the village and spread the word of a meeting. May Game, Ms Swench, both said they would help spread the word.

At the same time there was a meeting commencing in a cold boardroom somewhere in Chicago. All the players were there for a briefing of the last few week’s events.
Conrad Bigalow came in and was closely followed by his mother. He asked everyone to please take a seat.
“Good morning everyone, as you know we had sent a contingent of specialist to the area to ‘firm up’ our standing in the community. Well, I have to say from the reports I have received, that mission failed miserably. I am hearing things like un-professional, sloppy, drunken perverts, and liars. One member of the team was found naked hanging from the rafters in his room by housekeeping who naturally went and got all her friends before anyone came to help.” All the other members of the team were solemnly looking at their notebooks or shuffling their feet. “On an up note, we did manage to capture one of those dipshits who have been causing us some grief. We hope to be able to use him to squelch the others as well. Now, on to production. We have been given the final OK to start construction on the main site, cost us enough slush money, we should own the whole stinking country. Can’t be worth much anyway.” Chuckles all around the table.
“So, both products are being imported and exported and we are only 8 weeks behind schedule. We are sending the team back there to straighten up the mess they left, and you had better not let us down. We need good relations to keep anyone from becoming suspicious. Mother, anything to add?”
“Yes one thing, if any of you nimble-nut, trouser-stains fuck this up, you will answer to me, and you butt-kissin fuck-wads don’t want that. That’s all Monte Dear.” The members around the table looked genuinely scared! Monte shook his head. Mother had a habit of embarrassing him. “That’s all, get your passports together, you leave in the morning.”

Digby returned to the container. Waiting for him were Velveeta, Chlorine Spatula, and a new girl, obviously another sister. They were all lying around in hammocks, chairs, beach towels, in various states of un-dress.
“Hi Digby, Where’s Waffle? Oh, sorry, this is Formica, she is our sister.”
Waffle began to tell the story of the boat blowing to bits and Waffle being captured.
Velveeta was visibly upset while Chlorine and Spatula almost just shrugged it all off.
Chlorine was inching her way towards Digby, he was ready to run.
He excused himself after he told the girls where the spam and the grill were kept. They leapt up and started to cook.
Digby went to banana’s for the meeting. He could be ‘nice up’ by the time it started.
He was worried about Waffle.

The Elder sat down at the table. Already there were Ms Swench, May Game, barkeep, and the girls, all of them.
“Hey everyone, where’s Digby?”
barkeep said, “He was in earlier but left about an hour ago. Said something about rounding up the troops?”
“Oh great, I bet he is going after Waffle by him self. What fuckin troops?”
“I don’t know, but he had a bunch of beer before he left.”
“Alright, well, maybe he knows what he is doing,,, anyway, I got an update on the condos around here. I was out ‘sight-seeing’ today and got some interesting photos.”
He removed a few 8x10 prints from his portfolio and passed them around. As each looked at a print, their face showed surprise.
“Yes, it’s what it looks like. Every one of these condominiums are dummies. They are really green houses and those are marijuana plants you see in those photos. Those are not solar panels, they are skylights. Those trucks are full of dope going one way, and ‘nitro-jiz’ going the other way. I believe they are using the cruise ships to ferry in the fertilizer, and then take to dope out. I want to get in there and see how they are doing it. I need a diversion, you girls up for it? Can you keep the goons occupied while I sneak in?”
“Goons? Hell yea,,we like goons..” Velveeta was all giddy at the idea.
“May, Swench, I need you to got to the media, they will want to see this.”
“OK,, but what about Waffle?”
“Lets just hope Digby has a plan.”
As they all split their ways, barkeep began wiping the bar, shaking his head.

Waffle bounced down the road, from the CD player came “Scooby Snacks” by the Fun Lovin Criminals. On the back of Lucille was a flat bed trailer. On the trailer were all the dogs in the neighborhood. Ranger, Spike, Lucky, Dozer, Bobby, Butch, Teddy, Thumbless, Skeeter, Dippy, Marley, Tanner, Deli, and Scooby.
Inside the van where, Digby and Fuzznutts the cat. As he drunkenly weaved down the road he was explaining to Fuzznutts the nights mission. Once they reached the gate entering Sea Grape estates, he went on past and somewhat parked the van in some bushes with the trailer sticking way out into the road.
“Ok guys, this is it, lets go get Waffle.” He was not sure if Waffle was even there but an afternoon of drinking told him he was. He opened the tailgate for the trailer and alllll the dogs piled out. He put his finger to his lips and slurred “ssshhhhhhhh”. The dogs understood? They made their way to an exposed hatch in the ground. Digby figured this must lead to Waffle. He opened the hatch and Thumbless stuck his snoot in the opening and sniffed. He bagan to bark and wag his tail. “Hot dam,, we got ‘em, lets go boys”.
With Digby in the lead and all the dogs following, they made their way through a long passageway. Fuzznutts was always nearby, darting from one source of cover to the next.

The Elder and the girls were in place at Boozies. “Ok girls, there are the goons, do up stuff.” Velveeta and Spatula both wore ultra skimpy bikinis. They were busting out of their tops. They both adjusted their tops for maximum effect and started to strut towards the goons. Chlorine and Formica were clad in sarongs. They went to the direction of the other goons. “Man, I pity them goons.” Thought the Elder.

Digby came across a door with a padlock. The dogs were all up the passageway a bit. He knocked on the door and damed if Waffle didn’t answer from the other side. “Oh shit, he’s in here. Now what?”
He scanned the area and found a crowbar. He tried to pry the lock off but fell over and the crowbar clanged across the room. Just then a group of 4 goons came around the corner. “What the fuck?” said the lead goon. They grabbed Digby and had him secured with zip ties in seconds. “Lets take this dipshit to meet his fellow dipshit”. They opened the padlock and opened the door. After throwing Digby in, they began to laugh. Inside the room was a huge mountain of ‘nitro-jiz’ and small mining carts used to move it around. Above was an opening that must have led to the cruise ships. Waffle was tied to a cart spread eagle. He could barely hold his head up let alone speak.
As the goons laughed, they heard a growl behind them. They turned around slowly and saw all the dogs sitting in ranks, all showing teeth. From the smallest, Scooby, to the big bitch Butch. The 4 goons knew they were in trouble. As they made a break for the door, all the dogs charged. In a flash all the goons were down and each had a dog firmly attached to their testicals. Fuzznutts calmly strutted past each goon and painfully swatted their faces. Each goon had 4 bleeding stripes across his cheek as the dogs began to squeeze. At just that moment a loud buzzer went off and then a huge amount of fresh ‘nitro-jiz’ began to pour from the upstreched tube. As a goon struggled with his ball holder, he kicked a mining cart. It rolled across the floor and crashed into the power panel. Sparks began to fly and the lights flickered. All the goons had terrified looks on their faces. “The jiz,, it’s gonna blow!” cried one goon. Digby looked around and saw that the sparks had ignited a small pile of jiz and it was just a matter of minutes that it would ignite the rest.
“Get out,, all of you!” Digby yelled at the dogs. They all dropped their testicals and started to run back up the passageway. Fuzznutts was riding on Thumbless’s back like a regular cowboy. The goons all looked at Digby. “Help me untie him.” The goons turned and ran up the passageway not far behind the dogs. Digby began to untie Waffle. He removed the last rope and discovered Waffle couldn’t walk. He threw Waffle over his shoulder and as he looked back at the burning pile of jiz, thought, “This is it, I can tell.”

As the space shuttle “Camero” zoomed around the earth, the shuttle pilot was gazing out the window. He reached for the microphone and pressed the talk button.
“Houston Houston,, come in Houston.” “sskkkkss Houston here, How can I help you?”
“Yes, I’m looking out the port side observation port and I see 4 very large explosions occurring in Central America area. Just south of Cancun I would say. Are you having a nuclear war down there?”
“ssskkkss no, nothing that,,,,,,, wait one,,,,,, I will get back to you Camero.” The radio operator had felt the shock all the way in Houston. The explosion could be seen very clear from the shuttle. It began at one point on the ground then spread to other spots in a web type pattern with one even in the sea just off shore.

As the Elder picked him self up from the bush, he saw a bikini top floating back to earth. Just then the media with a truck load of police arrived. He related his story to both the media and press. The girls came from different parts of the jungle, naked for the most part and the police all stopped what they were doing to help the girls.

Debris was still fluttering from the sky as the Elder wondered about his friends Digby and Waffle.

It had been 2 days since the ‘incident’ in Mental Breach. The cops had rounded up all the goons and packed them in the Siene bite jail. The fires were all but out. Debris was still washing up on the beach from the destroyed cruise ship. In Chicago, they had arrested Conrad Bigalow and his mother. All the ‘developers’ were charged with offenses ranging from trafficking, possession of an illegal fertilizer, to lewd behavior. They all received a combined total of 200 years prison time.
The burned sites where the false condominiums had been were already being put on the market for sale. One rumor was that a group of Texans were going to build a nuclear waste disposal site.
All the dogs and Fuzznutts had returned home. Some a bit singed but OK.
Velveeta, Chlorine, Spatula, and Formica had moved into the container and were getting lots of use out of the George Foreman grill, waiting for Digby and Waffle to return.

Everyone had gathered at banana’s for the memorial. The entire village came up on buses. Barkeep made sure everyone had a drink before the Elder began his eulogy from the top of the stairs to the crowd in the parking lot.
With the sun setting in the background, the Elder spoke of Digby and Waffle as heroes, who gave their lives trying to retain the simple life in the Breach. He told of long time friendships, of late nights drinking together. The girls, all dressed in black sarongs were all sobbing. Everyone was a bit weepy. As barkeep cued up “Stairway to Heaven”, the Elder raised his beer in a toast. The entire crowd followed suit.
“To Digby and Waffle, may they rest in peace.”

Condos A Fire part 13

2011-07-28T02:16:00.001-06:00

Cat Sass was slowly making its way out to the site. Waves were pounding the tiny skiff. They were large, cold waves and most of them found their way into the boat soaking the occupants. It was a dark night, very dark, Gotdam dark. How dark was it? It was,,um,,, it was fucking dark OK? The Elder was wearing night vision goggles and somewhat directing Waffle where to go. Digby was preparing the dive gear for the Elder. After about a 30 minute rodeo ride, they were close enough that the Elder could make out an image in the distance.
“Looks like we got one here.” Yelled the Elder. Soon they were close enough that both Waffle and Digby could see with out the goggles. As they all looked up, they could tell this was a cruise ship.
Slowly, the Elder directed waffle to the bow of the huge ship. They got close enough that Digby grabbed the anchor chain and tied Cat Sass to it.
Still being tossed by the sea, the little skiff was all but banging into the side of the ship.
Waffle raised the Yamaha while Digby helped the Elder into his dive gear. Once all geared up, the Elder slipped over the side into the water. Digby handed down the 500,000-candle power dive light and gave the Elder a salute. With a wave of his hand, the Elder slipped below the surface. The boys found a comfortable spot and while keeping am eye peeled for trouble, settled in for a wait.
The Elder was descending at the prescribed rate. While at it, he was shining his light on the center of the ships hull. He could make out something large protruding from the bottom of the ship. It appeared to be connecting to the center of the upright portion of the tube system on the sea floor. He worked his way down and to the connecting spot. As he examined the device, he made mental notes as to what it could be. It was a large, also round, flexible tube. It reminded the Elder of a huge dryer vent tube. It was gently swaying with the currents. As he got near, he could hear the sounds of something inside. He reached out and felt it. He could feel things moving in there. They were either loading or unloading something to or from this ship. As he made the decision to surface, he couldn’t help wonder what this cruise ship was doing this in the middle of the night.
“DIGBY,, LOOK!” Waffle was pointing up at the railing around the bow of the cruise ship. They had been spotted by lookouts that were pointing and shouting for others.
Soon a fire hose appeared. They began to hose down the tiny skiff. It was taking on more water than the bilge pump could keep up with. They had no choice but to un-tie and move out of range. As they got away just enough that the water could not reach, Digby saw the dingy full of goons speeding their way. “Fuck,, Waffle look!” they were speeding straight for them. As they got close enough, one goon stood up and raised a shoulder-fired missile launcher. He squeezed the trigger and sent a Russian made, 5.55mm “Skiff Sinker” a conventional, very agile, fiberglass-seeking missile, right at Cat Sass. FFFFFZZZZZZSSSSEEEERRRRRRRRRR.
It passed just overhead, hitting the water just feet away from where the Elder had just surfaced. The goon readied a next shot. FFFFFZZZZZZZSSSEEEERRRRRRRRR.
This shot found its target. Right up the Cat Sass,, you could say. Cat Sass exploded in half, with Digby flying south and Waffle going north. Once the smoke cleared, in the pile of floating debris, Digby and the Elder were clinging to the bow board with Cat Sass painted on it. Smoke filled the air, flames burned on the water surface where the skiffs gas caught fire. Quietly, Digby whispered “Waffle,, Waffle?” but there was no response. They could hear the dinghy’s motor nearby and ducked under the surface. When the reappeared, they saw the dingy making it’s way back to shore. Digby could make out the figure in the back of the dingy as Waffle. As two goons held Waffle down, he could barely make out Waffle mouthing the words, “Digby,,, Help me,,,,,!” The dingy faded from sight.

The Elder and Digby began their long swim to shore. All the while, the Elder was explaining what he found; Digby was preoccupied with how to help his friend Waffle.
I am going to need some real help with this one he thought.
I’m going to have to call in the troops.

It was a long, cold swim.

Condos A Fire part 12

2011-07-27T02:15:00.001-06:00

“Hey Waffle, you got gomma? Wanna go to the village with me?”
snort, snoooort. “huh?”
“I’m going to the village, want to ride along?”
“No,, I got stuff to do,,”
“Fine, if the Elder comes by, tell him I’ll be back around 3pm.”
Digby fired up Lucille and headed south. He was getting tired of watching his friend rolling around with 3 girls. But, he would do the same,, right?
Passing ‘Condo Row’ he noticed that they were all but complete. These guys are fast, he thought.
He had been depressed lately and it didn’t seem to be getting any better. He reached over and punched the ‘next’ button on the CD player. What came out of the speakers was “Swamp Opera” by Too Slim and the Taildraggers. Seemed fitting as he crossed through
‘Condo Row’.
He bounced on down the road and entered the village. He was going to a bar called ‘Joolie”s. once inside he grabbed a stool near the front door.
“Hi Joolie, I brought back the Tupperware take-out containers from last Sunday,, thanks, it was great!”
“Sure thing, glad you liked it.”
Down near the other end of the bar he spotted MS Swench sitting alone. He took his beer and went to sit by her.
“Hi Digby, you here to rag on me for stoinking the enemy?”
“No, I don’t think you knew it at the time. Besides, we may have a small mission for you. I have heard the developers are in town throwing money around trying to get people to side up with them. What a bunch of scumbags!”
It was by pure coincidence that the tune from the stereo was “If Money Talks, Why Don’t It Speak To Me?” by Jason and the Scorchers.
“Realy? Monte was very well behaved, VERY WELL, if you know what I mean. What’s the mission?”
“Well, we may need you to help us gather some ifo from the inside, if you know what I mean. Are you on good terms with this developer guy?”
“Yea, even though I am known as the reigning queen of the one night stand, we left it open.”
“These guys are unscrupulous and we need to be just as underhanded if we want to keep up.”
“I like Monte and would not mind spending some time with him, just don’t ask me to break his heart. I will do that all on my own thank you.”
“Cool, thanks Ms Swench,, I’ll let you know, in the meantime, have fun with your developer toy. Har har.”
“Bite me Digby,,” she knew he meant nothing by it.
“See you Joolie,, thanks again.”
“Sure thing Dig,, come back with Waffle sometime soon would ya?”
Back in Lucille, he made his way back home to Mental Breach.
He passed the group of dump trucks that him and the Elder had checked out and he wondered what, if anything he found was in that barrel.
Back at the container, he could hear the obvious sounds of Waffle and the girls having a very good time.
“Well shit,, guess I’ll go out to the caye and see what the Elder found out.
He found the dugout and paddled out to the caye. He could hear the Cowboy Junkies coming from the stereo out there.
‘Come on in Digby,, where’s Waffle been these days?”
‘Aww Waffle is too busy for anything these days, prick.”
“Check it out, my Substance Analyzer come up with a match just a few hours ago too. Turns out, this stuff in the drums is a fertilizer known as ‘Nitro-Jizz’. The chemical makeup reads like a nuclear bomb. It has been outlawed in the entire civilized world. This particular batch came up missing about 4 years ago from a chem Lab in Cornhole Mississippi. It was determined to be last seen in Cuba. The chemists who mixed the concoction all died in a mysterious group enema suicide pact. It has not re-surfaced until now. I have no idea why it was in the back of that dump truck.”
“Wow, that’s quite the story, you sure it’s dangerous?”
“This stuff is so volatile, once a cat came near it in its unstable state,
WHOOOOOOOOOOOMPPP, you might say.
The feline conflagration burned itself out and then the hairless body began to omit what I would call ‘cat steam’.” This stuff is bad news when handled wrong, and it usually is handled wrong. I’m going to contact some friends up in Arlington and see what they can tell me.”
‘I spoke with Ms Swench today, she agreed to help by infiltrating the enemy’s camp, she has an ‘in’ with one of the developers.”
“Good, we may need some help from the inside. I hear they are bribing citizens now for support of their project, pricks.”
Digby stepped into the dugout and headed back home. Although he didn’t want a repeat scene of Waffles hairy ass cooking at the George Foreman grill, so he decide to go to banana’s for dinner. Maybe there were available women in there. Yea, Right.

The taxi pulled up to the front entrance of Tortoise Inn. The driver came around and opened the rear door. Out stepped a hi-heeled shoe attached to a leg cloaked in a red dress. The other leg followed. As Ms Swench stood, she was causing a commotion among the couple of yardmen in the area. She was stunning in the red dress, Prada bag over her shoulder. And just the slightest hint of trouble emitting from her soul.
She walked in through the entrance, turning heads as she went. At the front desk, the girl behind the desk asked her “Can I help you?’
“Yes, I believe I am expected by Mr. Monte Spinker.”
“Oh yes, he is expecting you, go right into the dining area.”
As she strolled into the dining area, she could hear a celebration happening.
She looked over to the bar and saw a group of well-dressed men, collars un-buttoned, drinks in hand, arm in arm, all singing. She spotted Monte at the end of the conga line of celebrants. They were all raising their glasses and singing along to “Money” by Pink Floyd. All together, “,,,I’m in the Hi-fidelity, first class traveling section I think I need a Lear jet,,,”. Monte saw Ms Swench and excused his self from the crowd. He gave her a slight kiss and said “Great news, our project has been approved. We start work tomorrow, legally for a change. Isn’t that great?”
“Oh,, yea,, great,,”
Say, it’s loud in here, how about me and you go outside,,?”
Suddenly, Ms Swench had a better idea.
“I believe I would rather go to your room.”
“Well allrighty then,, this night just gets better and better.”
They slipped into Monte’s room; he kicked off his shoes and jacket, and asked, “Can I get you a drink?”
“One barrel and coke please.”
As he was making the drink, Ms Swench was plotting her moves.
“Here ya go,, why don’t you make yourself more comfortable.”
“Be right back.” She said as she twirled towards the bathroom.
When she came through the bathroom door, Monte was already on the bed, wearing only his fake bow tie. Lying there in a seductive pose almost made Ms Swench gag, for she now knew who she was dealing with.
She had her Prada bag with her as she sat next to Monte on the bed. He groped at her as she coyly dodged his attempts. She reached in her bag and pulled out a CD. Cris Isaak, “Forever Blue” she slipped it into the Bose radio next to the bed and cued up track 6,
“Things Go Wrong” began to emit from the speakers.
She opened her bag and removed some objects he did not see. He continued in his attempts at drunkenly groping.
In a flash, a maneuver that would have made any cowboy in Wyoming jealous, she whipped out a length of rope and was swinging it overhead. He tried to grasp what he was seeing, but the evenings partying had slowed that process. In one swift move, she had the rope around his hands and over the rafter that was directly over the bed. He saw this and thought,, “Huh?” in the next second she had his ankles trussed up as well. She wrapped the rope around 4 times and threw her hands up in the air as so the judges could stop the clock. Poor Monte was drunkenly hog tied up in a 500 dollar a night room and was not sure where it was heading. He looked at Ms Swench with a puzzled look and said “Cool,, now what?”
She reached into the bag, pulled out a ball-gag, and inserted it into his mouth while pulling the strap over his head. “It looks like I will be asking the questions Monte. Are you ready to talk?”
He had no clue; he thought he had found the love of his life. She was into everything he seemed to be into. Then she swacked him with a leather belt,, and it hurt. SWACK!
‘Hemememmmm,,waathhfkkk,, yoooohuurmmme”
“Ok Monte, Lets make a Deal! You answer my questions and I might not leave you hanging from this rafter, naked, until the press is called. What you say?”
“mmmffffuukkkkk,,,, iiii,,,, fffffrrrrr.”
“I take that as an Ok, judging by the look in your eye. I’m gonna remove the gag, you make a peep, I swack you more with the belt, you got it?”
He shook his head yes, he was now beginning to see this was not the pleasure act he originally hoped for.
She removed the gag, he was quite. “OK, we are going to play a game; it’s called ‘Answer This You Prick’, you ready to play?” Here we go,, tell me what you are really doing here.”
“I told you, I am a developer for the project Emerald Hummingbird.”
SWACK,, “one more time,, why are you here?”
‘Ok, OK, no more fuckin SWACKIN,,, I was sent here to bribe locals into signing petitions supporting the project. I get a set amount for each signature. What do you care?”
SWACK,,,”well, I’ll tell you.” He was swinging from the rafters looking very pathetic.
“I live here and you are fucking with my place of residence, that’s a start.’ SWACK.
The welts were showing now,, it was a beautiful sight.
‘Bitch, I thought we were an item?”
“Well,, I guess not ,huh. Now,, answer this you prick,, what is really going on with all the construction?”
‘I swear,,’SWACK’,,Ok Ok,, it’s all a front,, I don’t know for what,, but no condos,, just buildings,, I swear I ,,, don’t know anything else,,, I swear,,, never were intended to house people,,, that’s why that one up north is always empty,,,”. SWACK. “GODDAMMIT I’M TELLING THE TRUTH, STOP HITTING ME!” SWACK
“Ok Monte, let’s say we made a deal. However, I am going to leave here, and you are going to continue to ‘hang’ around, but with the gag back in. Tomorrow, I will be back and let you down. You Ok with that? Or should I go get your buddies now and bring them back in here?”
‘Some day,, I’m gonna,, ‘SWACK’,, OK OK,, don’t leave me hanging though.”
“Fat chance,, you and your pals are going to leave us hanging,, see you in the morning.” She replaced the gag as he was kicking and squirming, but to no avail. She gathered up her stuff, put the dress back on, and waved goodbye. He was PISSED. She just grinned.

“Hey Digby, the Elder is here. Wants to talk about something.”
Digby was cleaning the bilges of Cat Sass, he tossed the sponge in a bucket.
“Hi boys, you got a minute?”
“Sure thing, what’s up?”
“I set my computer to take images using ‘google earth’ again last night. This time I watched the area where you guys found the underwater tube system. At around 2300 a ship of some sort anchored at what looks like the exact same spot, and they stayed there until 0500. They must have blacked out the lights because I could not tell what type ship it was. I want to sneak a boat out there tonight, do a re-con dive and see if there is anything to learn. Night would be best to avoid the goons you two scared up the last 2 times. Is Cat Sass up for the trip? And you guys as well?”
“Cat Sass is ready, are you Waffle?”
Waffle was walking around a little ‘bow-legged’ these days.
“Yea, I need a break from them girls!”
“They still here? I’m impressed; you are still able to walk. What say we muster at banana’s around 2200 and get ready for a re-con mission?”
“OK, we’ll be there. Need us to bring anything?”
“No, just have plenty of fuel, please.”

“Hey Digby, wanna go to banana’s for lunch? I’m buyin.”
“Sure,, but where’s your entourage?”
“The girls went to visit their Mom, said they be back tomorrow. It’s good cause they are beginning to bother me. All they want is sex, no conversation at all, just sex. Sure, it was great for 3 or 5 days, but I am getting lonely. And between me and you, I think Chlorine lives, “out beyond where the buses run”, if you know what I mean.”
“It will be good to have you back tonight. You ARE the boat captain.”

At banana’s they bumped into Ms Swench. They grabbed a seat at her table where she had just placed her lunch order.
“Hi boys, I’m glad you are here. May Game is going to meet me here any time now.’
“Good, we can fill her in as well. How are you and this Monte fellow doing?”
“He calls my cell phone every day. I am supposed to meet him at Tortoise inn tonight for a drink. You need something from him?”
“Maybe, will let you know soon.”
May Game came up the stairs into banana’s and found the table, grabbing a chair she slid in-between Digby and Waffle.
“Afternoon folks, I’m starving, what’s good?”
“New cook, the stewed chicken rice and beans are an exceptional value.” Said the barkeep.
“I’ll have that.”
Barkeep took four orders of the same and ran them to the kitchen.
“So, May, what’s the haps in the ‘Battle of the Developers?”
“I tell ya, if I live through this I will be surprised. It has been one hell of an uphill struggle. The developers have been tossing money around as you may have heard, and that makes it hard to get anyone to act rationally. In a battle like this, money is considered a WMD. They are in town doing a publicity blitz and I am having a hard time counter-acting their sleazy moves. To tell the truth, it looks to me that the government is going to cave to the slush money and we will have more condos here than the entire country combined.”
‘It’s such a shame to see the greed in people, everyone knows this will do no good for the area, just long term damage.”
“Well May” said Digby. “We still may be able to at least throw a wrench into their plans. We have the Elder working on some very interesting stuff. Could be in our favor.”
“And I have gotten pretty close to one of the developers and I am going to squeeze some info from him, I think tonight will be the beginning.” Ms Swench grinned.
Their meals arrived and all conversation ceased. A couple dogs appeared and lurked in the area.

After lunch the boys returned to their container. It was pleasantly quite around there. Waffle announced he was gonna take a snooze. Digby set about making final preps for the night’s mission.

At 2200, with Cat Sass tied up out front, Digby and Waffle entered banana’s. The elder was already there.
Digby was wearing camo pants and t-shirt, while Waffle was clad in his usual Hawaiian surf shorts and hibiscus shirt, un-buttoned. He remined people of Kato Kalin from O.J. fame.
“This looks official.” Said barkeep.
“Anybody asks, you never seen us.” The Elder was serious about it too.
They grabbed some beers for the ride and jumped in the boat. Digby cast off while Waffle yanked the starter rope. Add a bit of choke and yank again. The Yamaha fired to life and the three of them steamed off to uncertainty, with Waffle at the helm?

May Elvis have mercy on their souls.

Meanwhile, out to sea, Cat Sass was inching its way into a SWACKING of its own

Condos A Fire part 11

2011-07-26T02:11:00.000-06:00

Cut to the night of the big meeting at banana’s.

While the meeting was scheduled for 1900, there was a large crowd out in the parking lot, but no sign of any officials or developers. The crowd was getting antsy.
When a group of shiny new SUV’s pulled into the lot, the crowd got a bit noisier.
Some developers excited the SUV’s in their oxford shoes and docker pants. Most of them cursed as they stepped into the mud that was the parking lot. The last one to step out was Monte Spinker, Ms Swench’s date from a few nights before. Interesting to say the least.
After a long wait, they began the meeting, or whatever you called it. They made a sales pitch and sounded just like a time share group would sound. Everyone was pissed and they knew it. They decided to make a break while they could. In a splash of mud, they were in their SUV’s and gone.
The crowd got restless and began to disperse. Most went home, some others went into banana’s.
Inside it was Smokey, hot, and the booze was flowing.
Velveeta, Chlorine, and Spatula were near the big window, dressed as usual in not much at all, and drawing stares from everyone in the bar, men women alike. They were about half corned and somewhat shaky on their feet.
Waffle, at the bar, stared in admiration, “ain’t my girls sweet?” he said to no one in particular.
The Barkeep came out from the store room carrying some long boxes. He opened them up and said, “Waffle, these came in the mail a few days ago, maybe the girls would like to take them for a spin.”
They were the ‘Extend-o Stripper Pole’ from Ronco. Extends from 6 feet to 12 feet to accommodate most any ceiling. $29.95,, but wait, that’s not all, buy one, get two free!
Velveeta saw this and her eyes immediately lit up. Some more than willing men rushed in to set up the stripper poles and soon there were ready to grind!
The spectators formed a natural circle in anticipation of something stupendous.
Velveeta came up and started doing practice spins while the other two girls gathered up their courage. Soon she was performing a perfectly sensuous routine with the pole. It sure looked like she has done this before.
The first song Barkeep twiddled up was “Legs” by ZZ top. Soon the crowd was all but mesmerized. Then Spatula grabbed the second pole. Next song was, “Texas Woman” by Tony Joe White. Chlorine was now over any inhibitions and grinding like a pro.
The crowd was standing and shouting.
Someone muttered, “This beats a meeting any day”
As the Barkeep pulled up the final song, the crowd became very quite as if they knew this was the event of the evening. Soon, the opening notes of “She’s a Devil in the Night”
By Billy Bacon and the Forbidden Pigs came blasting from the overhead speakers.
The girls all had a different routine, slow, sultry, and grinding. People’s heads turned from one pole to the other to the other. They were all sweaty, glistening, in the hot smoke filled bar. No one said a word, they just watched in amazement. When it was over, 10 guys and 3 women offered to buy them drinks. Waffle was beaming as if he was king of the world.
The bar cleared out and Digby, Waffle and the girls all headed up the beach. Once home Waffle and the girls said goodnight and went inside. Digby went to the beach to be alone.
He felt very alone.

Condos A Fire part 10

2011-07-25T02:09:00.000-06:00

Digby walked into Banana’s about 11:00. He figured he would grab a beer before the Elder showed up. As he saddled up to the bar, he checked out the clientele. In one corner were two liquor sales representatives having lunch. At the table near the big window was a women and man. Digby had seen the women before. He walked over to say hi.
“Well hello Ms Swench, how have you been?”
“Hi Digby, I’m good, nice to see you again. This is my friend, Monte Spinker, he is in town for some business.”
Monte stood up to shake hands, he was a tall, well built man who obviously worked out some. His hair was neat and just starting to turn gray around the edges. His handshake was firm and deliberate.
“Nice to meet you Digby, have you know Ms. Swench long?”
“Yea, it’s been a few years now, I’ll leave you two alone, I am expecting someone my self.”
Digby went back to his stool and climbed up. He noticed from the speakers was coming,
“,,,,we’ll ask the lord to forgive us for all our sins,, then we’ll look at the latest in gold-plated firing pins,,,,,”. “Gun Sale at the Church” by The Beat Farmers.
“Hey Digby, need a beer? Where’s Waffle”
“Yea to the beer, Waffle is in love, kinda busy right now.”
As the barkeep slid the beer to Digby, he said, “You know them folks over there?”
“I know her, just met him, why?”
“They been being all gooey and mushy since they been in here. Must be a first date?”
“Maybe you should be a pal and put on some more romantic music.”
“True, true.” Barkeep began to rifle through his i-pod controls. He stopped when some Roy Orbison came up.
“There, that may help.”
The Elder walked in right at noon and sat next to Digby and ordered a beer as well.
“You up for this Digby? Where’s Waffle?”
“Waffle is busy entertaining your cast offs, by the way, did you know there was 3 of them?”
“Yea, actually I heard there may be 5 all total.”
“Great, yes, I’m up for this, you ready to go?”
“Lets roll.”
They climbed into Lucille and began heading south. They arrived at the site where the dump trucks had been spending the daylight hours idle. They pulled into some bush to hide the van and quietly got out. They snuck around the edge of some buildings and crawled under a fence. All the trucks were lined up like sleeping dogs. They all seemed to have a full load of dirt in them as well.
“Gimme a boost.” Elder told Digby. As he was boosted up he pulled his self up on the edge of the dump bed. The nylon cover was in place and he lifted it up. Underneath was a pile of dirt,, or was it. He poked a finger into it. It was not dirt but a plaster fake pile of dirt vel-crowed to the sides of the bed to give the impression the truck was full!
He lifted the edge, gave Digby a look like ‘watch out for us, I’m going in’. With that he dropped into the empty truck bed. He hit the cold steel floor and pulled out his mini-mag lite. Shinning the light around, he saw there was no dirt anywhere. He found a 55 gal drum in the front. He lifted the lid and peaked inside. It was full of a slimy mixture he didn’t recognize. He pulled out a film container and scooped up a sample, returned the lid and climbed back out. Once back out he told Digby what he had seen and said, “let’s get out of here, I got to analyze this stuff.” They all but ran back to Lucille and hi-tailed it out of there.
Bouncing back up the road, the Elder was deep in concentration. You could tell he was just itching to learn what this substance was.
They pulled back into Banana’s parking lot and the Elder said goodbye as he hurriedly made his way home. Digby went back into the bar for a beer.
“Barkeep, how ‘bout another beer?”
“Sure, what you guys been up to?”
“Oh man, its turning into cloak and dagger shit, I don’t know if I’m cut out for it”
“You’ll be alright with the Elder around, I think.”
The couple in the corner were even closer now and there was an impressive stack of wine bottles growing. At the point they got up to leave. On their way past Digby, Ms Swench says, “see ya around Digby, we are going back to Monte’s room at Tortoise Inn for a night cap.”
“nite cap, it’s 2;15?”
She just smiled and they went on down the stairs.
Digby spun back around on his stool, “What the fuck, every body is getting laid but me. Got dam Waffle has 3 babes, I got,, shit that’s what.’
Barkeep slid him another beer, “Here’s one on me.”

As Cris Rea’s tune, “Road to Hell” was playing, Digby hung his head and began to have second thoughts,, about everything,,,,,,,,

The Elder opened the door to the storage area above his kitchen cabinet.
He pushed away the Rival crock-pot, the box for set of knives, some miscellaneous items he has not seen in years, and found what he was after. A plain brown box about the size of a shoebox. He carefully took the box and stepped off the chair he was standing on.
He took the box to the computer work area and removed the lid. He took out a large wad of bubble wrap and began un-wrapping it. He got down to the item inside. It was cobalt gray, the size of Sony walkman. On the top of the item, printed in gold letters was the name,
“Substance analyzer 4000 by Spectron Labs” serial # 003. He untied the USB cord and plugged it into an unused USB port on the front of the computer. Setting the analyzer in the stand provided, he pushed the ‘power’ button. The unit whirred to life and slide out its tray similar to a cd drive. He took the film canister of sample and swabbed a tiny bit onto a glass slide. Then laying the slide on the tray, the unit retracted the tray shut. A screen popped up on the 32inch monitor. He typed in a password and then clicked the “analyze” button.
The screen started to scroll through lots of items to fast to read. It offered the warning,
“This could take a few minutes.”
There were only 4 of these devices made by Spectron Labs and this was #3. The others were used at Nasa, the C.I.A. and the Library for common studies in Botswana. The other 3 have obvious needs, but how did Botswana get one?
So, he sat back to wait.

Digby walked up the beach from Banana’s and turned in at the container. He noticed the Yamaha was back together and appeared ready to go. He caught a whiff of a familiar scent as he made his way across the sand. He reached the deck area and saw Waffle standing by the picnic table with his back to the beach. He was wearing a chef’s hat, an apron, and flip-flops. You could see his white, hairy, ass with the apron strings tied just above it. The apron had a saying on the front, “check out the cook’s sausage” He was checking something on the George Foreman grill. At that minute the girls, all three of them, came from the container, giggling as usual.
“Hey Digby, you want some chow? I got Spam and pineapple done here, smells great.”
The girls were already lined up with plates in their hands.
“Yea, save me a piece or two, it does smell good. Have you washed your hands lately Waffle?”
“Huh? Oh, yea, not long ago,, need a beer? The truck from Walton’s made a delivery today. Caught me with my pants down, so to speak.”
“Yea, beer me.”

Condos A Fire part 9

2011-07-24T02:06:00.000-06:00

As Digby opened his eyes and yawned, he could hear the Chachalacas’s railing up at each other. The sun was beginning to warm the container signaling the need to get up and out. As he pulled his shorts on, he glanced over and saw Waffle in what appeared to be a pile of flesh. Good for him he thought. He needs some lovin in his life.
He stepped over the ‘pile’ and stepped into the morning sun. He stretched and began to heat some water for coffee on the camp stove. He was to meet the Elder around noon, so he had time to get a few other things done first. One thing was to see if Barnacle was free to look at the shot up Yamaha. It was clear that Waffle was ‘kinda busy’ to get to that chore. Barnacle was just up the beach and there was a chance he could get the thing working again, so off he went to give him a shout.
Barnacle said he would come look at the motor soon, so Digby went on over to the Starving Lizard to get some breakfast. While crossing the road, he was nearly run down by a dump truck. After a nice meal of eggs, beans, and fry jacks, Digby made his way back home. Once he reached there, he could see all his other ‘container mates’ were up and active. Chlorine was in a plastic chair while Velveeta was braiding her hair.
Spatula was straddling a hammock, painting her toes, bright red! He had to admit, these girls were gorgeous!
No sign of Waffle though.
“Good morning ladies, how did everyone sleep last night?”
“I slept like a old dog.” Said Spatula.
“And so did i.” from Velveeta.
“To tell the truth, me and Waffle were up most of the night. I hope we didn’t keep you guys awake. Waffle can get a little ,,, noisy.” Chlorine was actually beginning to blush?
“I see you have found the coffee and stove, tell Waffle I will be at the boat, IF he gets up please.”
“No sweat sweetie.”

As Digby made his way to the beach, he could not help but wonder where all this was heading, all this weird shit with big buck operations could be trouble.
Almost everything you know, you learned through experience. Unfortunately, that is a long, drawn out process. The only thing that teaches common sense faster than experience is a bad experience.
Most of the things we have learned from trial-and-error, some well-meaning person told us all about it beforehand. We chose to ignore their advice and experience it for ourselves.
Digby had the feeling he had heard some well-meaning person, somewhere in his past advise him against this particular experience. But, he was about to experience it firsthand for his self. He couldn’t help it.

When he reached the boat, Barnacle was already there. He had the cowling off the Yamaha and was tinking around on the left side.
“Hey Digby,, looks like you lucked out here. One shot went straight through both sides of the cowling missing everything. Another shot hit the bracket for the starter motor, and since you use a rope, no big deal. This last one though, hit the electronic ignition box and blew it all to hell. But, you are in luck, I had a spare from that 40 hp I got in trade from the Rasta guy from BZ city, so you should be running in about 5 more minutes. Try to keep it out of the line of fire would ya.”
“Hey thanks,, can I get you a beer?”
“Sure, every time you see me, har har.”
Cat Sass was back in action.

Condos A Fire part 8

2011-07-23T02:04:00.000-06:00

As the dugout beached itself on Drunkards Caye, Digby heard the elder singing along with Howling Wolf’s version of “Can’t Stay Here.”
“Come on in Digby,, been waiting for you. First thing, don’t believe them 2 lying sluts,, where the hell would I get a bunch of teddy-bear hamsters? And don’t forget, they told me they spoke no English,, them bitches.”
“It’s all right, they will be good for Waffle, give him something to do with his hands.”
“Sit here Digby, look at what I have come up with.”
Somehow, through his connections, the Elder had come up with a military version of Google Earth. It had amazing resolution, and refreshed at the rate of once every 15 minutes.
“I took some shots of the area at noon yesterday. Notice all these dump trucks gathered at this spot here. Then all night long I set the computer to take shots at ½ hour intervals.
Look at what these trucks do all night long.”
Watching the pattern of their movement, it was clear that these trucks were not hauling dirt, anywhere. It was as if they were using the cover of darkness to conceal something.
“Digby, what say I meet you tomorrow and we see if we can’t take a peak inside one of these trucks.”
“ok, sounds good, want me to come get you?”
“No, I’ll meet you at banana’s around noon-ish.”
“Deal.”
So, as Digby headed back to the container, listening to “Make Mayan a Hawaiian” by Southern Culture on the Skids, he wondered if Waffle would be up for this, or should they leave him to his duty with the twins?
It could be worse he thought,,,
Once Digby returned to the container, he noticed some strange happenings.
Waffle was butt naked lying on the sand, now, not only was Velveeta and Chlorine with him, but a third girl had joined the mess. She was every bit as volumotious as the other two, and seemed to be enjoying herself just as much. They had Waffle laid out and were using his now erect penis as a sundial and arguing about whether it was 2:15 or 2:45.
“Digby,, check it out. Turns out there is another sister, she came over on the bus, her name is Spatula. Ain’t it great?” Spatula gave Digby a beautiful, toothy grin.
Yes, things just did get worse,,,,,,,

Condos A Fire part 7

2011-07-22T02:03:00.000-06:00

Meanwhile, back in the Breach,,,,,,

“Waffle, you stay here, I’m gonna run to town and return this camera. Maybe we will get some word from the Elder.”
Stretching and yawning, Waffle barely let out an audible “OK”. He was still in the hammock even though the sun had been up for 2 hours.
Digby jumped in Lucille and fired her up. As he began to head down the road south, the hula dashboard girl was rocking out to “Evangaline” by Los Lobos coming from the stereo. Digby made his way past all the development sites without seeing any dump trucks. He thought that was quite odd, but sluffed it off.
As he inched his way past the bank, he spotted Breeze, Callies sister. Since it was too early for the bar to be open, Digby thought he could hand off the camera to Breeze and save some time.
“Hi breeze, how ya doin?”
“Oh hey Digby,, I’m freekin good,, you?”
“Just peachy,, could you do me a favor and see that this camera gets back to Callie for me,, and tell her a big thanks from me please.”
“No sweat,, I will see her in about an hour anyway.”
“Thanks,, see you around.”
As Digby turned to head back to the van, he saw May Game stapling a flyer to a power pole.
“Hi May, what we got here worth reading?”
“Check it out Digby, we are getting a real meeting about the EIA up at the Emerald Hummingbird, this time the Dept of the environment will be there to answer our questions, cool huh?”
“Great, maybe this time we can have a real turn out. I’ll spread the word up north.”
The flyer stated just that, a meeting concerning this new development was to be held with the DOE present along with the developers to answer questions. It was to be held at the bar in Mental Breach called Banana’s. Possibly a poor choice of venues, but at least it was a meeting. It was scheduled for one week from today.
Digby stopped at Walton’s for some chow to take back home. He had a craving for some black label spam. And there was nothing better than spam cooked on his new George Foreman grill!
As he headed back north, he again noticed the absence of dump truck traffic and wondered what was up.

Not 5 minutes after Digby left, Waffle heard familiar giggling coming from the back side of the container. He looked around back and saw Velveeta and Chlorine coming his way. They were both clad in the same skimpy little outfits they had seen the day before.
They came up to Waffle and handed him a note. And with perfect English, Velveeta said,
“Here, this is from that butt-hole Elder.”
“Holy shit, he said you didn’t speak English.”
“Yea, well, fuck him, he pissed us off, but since he paid for us in advance for the whole month, we thought we would stay with you?” Velveeta was toying with him, rubbing his leg with hers. And Chlorine was doing the same to his other side.
“Oh hell yes you can stay here!”
When Digby pulled Lucille into the parking spot, he saw Waffle lying in the hammock under the tree sipping an umbrella drink. He had an odd look of contentment on his face.
“What’s with you?” said Digby.
Without saying a word, Waffle pointed the umbrella tip from his drink towards the sea.
Digby looked out and saw Velveeta and Chlorine swimming and splashing around in the calm water,, naked as the day they plopped out.
Digby shook his head and said, “No good can come from this.”
“Oh yea,, here Digby, they brought this from the Elder.” He handed him the note.
Digby unfolded the note and began to read,,”Digby, come on back out here, I have some new information to give you. Elder.
p.s. you can keep them two lyin tramps for your selves.”
“I wonder what happened with the girls?”
“Go ask them Digby, they will tell you.”
“Yea right,,.”
“Ok,,, but I told you.”
The girls came up wearing nothing but the water they were dripping.
“Go ahead, tell Digby what you told me”
Chlorine started to recount her side of the story, much to Digby’s delight and confusion.
She told of sex routines involving gallons of Wesson oil, large groupers, a box full of rubber bands, and a hand mixer from the kitchen. Tales about teddy-bear hamsters being shot at her from a wrist-rocket, while tied to a revolving wheel dressed in a Girl Scout suit, but with a tail.
“And that’s just what he was doing with me!” exclaimed Chlorine.
“They want to stay here Digby, an I want them too.”
“Aww,, what the hell,, I’m going back to Drunkards Caye,, try to stay out of trouble will ya.”

Condos A Fire part 6

2011-07-21T02:01:00.000-06:00

Back at the beach, Digby swatted Waffle across the noggin,,
“What the fuck was that,, are you nuts?”
“What,, those girls liked me. Can’t I ever have any fun?”
‘waffle, try to keep it together during this,Ok, this could be very important, you heard the Elder.”
“OK,, can we go back first thing tomorrow?”
“Oh fer cryin out loud,, did you hear anything I said?”
“Yea,, I’ll be at the dugout waiting.”

Now with a new light being shed on the item Waffle found, and the elder on the case, things should be beginning to happen right quick.
Now, if only the boys could keep up,,,,,,,,,

In a boardroom, somewhere in Chicago, a meeting was beginning to take place. A long table made from endangered, very rare, Indonesian BillyWhop wood, with hi-back chairs arraigned in perfect order. There were glasses of water and pictures for re-fills at even spaces. A slide screen was on the wall and a tray of finger food was at the side table.
Milling around the room were several executive looking types, chatting and slapping each other on the back. The sign on the wall proclaimed in very large letters,
“VESTco”. In smaller lettering below, it was the phrase, “Agree or be crushed”
In walked a tall man and he shouted, “All right, gentleman, let’s take our seats, we have a few things to cover this morning. Please be seated.”
The men all found their seats and settled in.
“As you can all see from the documents in front of you, we are making progress in the area concerning the Belizean government to see things our way. But the problem has not been completely taken care of. I hear from our inside sources that there are some people disrupting a smooth flow down there. There is now a request in front of the GOB to hold ANOTHER E.I. A.,, this is exactly what we didn’t want to happen. If these yokels start sniffing around too much, they could stumble on to some discrepancies. We cannot have that. There is a woman down there causing quite a stir. Some ex-lawyer named,, let’s see,, here it is, May Game. We are going to have to send some ‘persuaders’ to visit her I am afraid, to help her see things our way. In addition, a report from the main site is that there are a couple local dipshits nosing around in the water near the distribution area. They will be dealt with as well. However, we cannot have this continuing. It could be difficult to get our project passed the GOB without having to double the ‘incentives’ we are already promising them. Any one have anything to add?”
Conrad Bigalow was the chief executive in charge of this project. He had been with the company for 5 years after his father died and his surviving mother who owns VESTco demanded Conrad be promoted. He had never been a qualified person for any part of the company. He had a slight criminal past, nothing large but still unsavory. He was proud of the fact that while serving a prison sentence for sodome-izeing a prairie dog, he learned how to drink beer through his nose. Until he was handed this position he would surely continue a downward spiral. As if bilking thousands of people out of their money and homes was an improved profession.
While the present group of execs shuffled their papers around, Conrad asked for a report of progress from each site under construction.
Parker James from the Mayan Bell site spoke first.
“Well, I can say that almost all our buildings are up and as far as I can tell, no one suspects anything.”
Louigi Boner from Boozees, “Everything is as usual here. We have just enough guests that no one suspects a thing. Business as usual, slow, but usual.”
The project manager from Sea Grape Estates, Sheldon Krank, shuffled through his papers and said, “Almost all the ground work is in place and with the addition of the new road, no one is giving us a second look.”
“ Ok,,let me see what I can arrange about these trouble spots and we will have brief meeting later this week.” With that, Conrad grabbed a tuna sandwich and the rest followed suit.
Something was seriously rotten in Denmark,, Chicago too,,,

Condos A Fire part 5

2011-07-20T02:00:00.000-06:00

“Digby, I think we should go see the Elder.”
“The thought has crossed my mind too Waf, I think he would know more about what to do, and then we can give Callie her camera back”
So they cleaned up the container a bit and made plans to go visit the Elder.
The Elder had lived out in the lagoon on Drunkards Caye for as long as anybody could remember. He had the first Mennonite house ever built and stayed completely to his self.
The only access to Drunkards Caye was by boat, and since the boy’s boat was a bit shot up right now, they would need to use the dug-out. There was always an old dug-out stashed in the mangroves that you could use to paddle out. They found it right where is always is. They climbed in and shoved off. Waffle was clumsily paddling them towards the caye. As they got close they could hear music coming from the house,, sounded like,,
“Long Snake Moan”, by Joe Ely. They reached the caye and grounded the boat.
By this time the Elder had always knew they were there and invited them in. today, there was no response from inside. Digby was half way up the stairs,,”Good Morning,,,” he was letting the Elder know they were there. Still no response. As they got to the door, they felt the knob and it was open. Digby pushed the door in ever so lightly,,”Hello,,anybody home?” now there was some rustling and clatter from the other side of the room, followed by giggles. Up popped the Elder, scrambling to pull up his shorts and keep his balance at the same time. His hair looked like the professor from Back to the Future.
“Uh,, oh,, hi boys,,, come on in,,, I’ll be right with you,,”
In a minute, the Elder came back with shorts and a shirt on, smoothing his hair back.
“Sorry boys, I wasn’t expecting anyone.”
“It’s Ok,, we should have made more noise.”
“What’s up fellas? What brings you out here?”
“We have a problem,, we hopped you could help us with it.”
“Go ahead boys, what’s wrong?”
They told the story all the way up to the Yamaha being executed, while the Elder listened closely, rubbing his chin.
“Did you bring the camera with you?”
“Yep,, here it is”
He took the little Nikon and headed to his computer desk.
“Lets take a look boys.”
As he was popping out the 512 SD memory card, there was some ruckus followed by more giggles from behind them. The boys turned around and were very surprised to see two half naked women standing near the hammocks. One girl had a teeny tiny bikini on, the other girl wore cutoff jean shorts,, only! They were coyly giggling and pointing at the Elder. With out taking his eyes off the girls, Waffle reached around and patted the Elder on the shoulder.
“Huh,, oh,, boys,, I guess you have met the sisters,, this is Velveeta, and Chlorine, they will be here until Monday morning. “Velveeta,, where’s your top? They speak no English, works in my favor ya know.” The boys could only stare.
The Elder was always alone out on Drunkards caye, and he had been known to phone up Tango Creek to a ‘Gentleman’s’ club, and have one or more girls sent out to spend the weekend,, or week. Seemed to work well for all involved.
“Let’s see what you have here.”
“What,, oh yea,,the pictures.”
The Elder fired up his Mac and the 32-inch monitor came to life. He slipped the memory cad into a card reader and began the transfer of images. Soon there were 40 images on the screen. He removed the card and inserted it back into Callie’s camera.
“Here you go,, lets see what we have here.”
He found the 5 photos Digby had taken and separated them from Callie’s bar photos.
He opened Photoshop, clicked on ‘batch’, made adjustments with ‘un-sharp mask’, a couple exposure adjustments, and some tone changes to adapt to the sea colors. Soon all the images were crisp, clear, and of correct color. They showed the cylindrical object with the 5 tubes heading to the beach in 5 different directions.
He clicked ‘minimize’, opened ‘documents’ clicked on ‘map’, open it and enlarged. Re-opened the photo, click and drag he transposed the cylinder image over the top of a map of the peninsula. With some fine-tuning, soon the 2 photos were perfectly aligned.
“I think we have something here boys,, look at that.”
“Holy shit,, look at that Waffle,,,, Waffle,,, Hey, what are you doing?”
Waffle was across the room in a hammock with the lovely Chlorine, who was now missing her top as well. Waffle had his face buried in Chlorines size 42 ‘d’s and without removing it, managed a muffled,,”mmmf-what,,” Chlorine didn’t mind, and soon Velveeta came around the corner and was shaking Waffles head around while giggling.
“That’s OK Waffle, you keep playing around,, I will do the work,, as I always do.”
“Look here Digby,, all those tubes you saw, they all head directly to all these new mega resorts that are springing up along the peninsula. See,, this one is aligned up with Sea Grape Estates, this one with The Mayan Bell, this tube lines up perfectly with Boozees, that one there is headed to where they want to put in The Emerald Hummingbird, but this last one,, it is going into Mental Breach,, right near your container? That one I don’t understand.”
At that time, a bikini top was sling-shot-ed across the room and landed on the monitor. Without any thought, the Elder swiped it away and continued to study the image on his screen.
“Waffle,, knock it off,, this is important!” Digby yelled.
“These tubes are big enough to pass a lot of things,, what could they be up to?” the Elder was rubbing his chin and scratching his head.
The Elder was considered the smartest person in the region and the boys were sure he could figure it out.
The music had now switched to the Lonesome Strangers, “Good Bye Lonesome, Hello Baby Doll” there was music 24hrs out at Drunkards Caye.
“Digby, why don’t you give Callie her camera back and give me some time to study on this, it could be critical to the area.”
‘OK,, can we come back tomorrow?”
“That should be fine.”
“Waffle,,,,, got damit,, police up your dick,, we gotta go!”
“Oh man,, this stuff don’t happen to me Digby,, can’t I stay?”
“Hey Waffle, Velveeta and Chlorine will be here when you get back, don’t worry, I like having them around!” Said the Elder.
“Oh,, crap,,,Ok.”
They said their goodbyes and the boys hopped in the dugout. As they paddled back to the peninsula, they could hear “Bad Reputation” by The Reverend Horton Heat being cranked up and wafting out of the windows.

Condos A Fire part 4

2011-07-19T01:59:00.000-06:00

The next morning, as the sun rose, the boys were up and in the boat. The camera was charged up, and Cat Sass was fueled. They were going to get the underwater photos and get back before the goons seen them.
With the tune “Hell Bound Train” by Savoy Brown thumping in Digby’s brain, they turned Cat Sass towards Riversedge. Steaming along at trolling speed as to not be noticed, it took more than 1 hr to make the trip. Once there, they heaved over the cinder block, grabbed the camera, and dove in. as Digby shot photos, Waffle kept an eye on the surroundings, like he could help with anything. Photos taken, they surfaced. Once back in Cat Sass they saw the dingy heading their way.
“Fuck, Waffle, fire up that motor let’s get home!”
They were full throttle all the way with the dingy closing at a steady pace. The dingy was not content to just chase them off, he was following them this time.
They hit the beach and ran for the container. The dingy was right behind them.
Once inside, Digby had rigged all the windows and doors on a rope system. He could yank one rope and every window slammed shut, even the double doors. YANK.
Everything slammed shut, tight. They were sealed up like sardines. The goons were not happy and were banging on the walls and yelling. “We told you two dickweeds to stay away, we better not see you again.” With that they blasted a few rounds into Wafflel’s Yamaha outboard. They jumped into their dingy and motored back to the ‘Emerald Hummingbird’.
As they exited the container, the boys were nervous and pissed off.
“My motor,, them pricks!!”
“Don’t worry Waffle, we will be all right, we have photos now.”
What the boys didn’t know was that at that very minute, the plans were being laid to tie all 5 sites into one, linking the whole area in chaos!
It would not be a good year.

Condos A Fire part 3

2011-07-18T01:58:00.000-06:00

The 20ft. container was painted a bright blue with lime green trim. There were windows cut in all sides and the double doors had a roof extended out keeping that area in the shade. A small sign on a post read “Bless this Box”. A couple Mennonite chairs and 2 hammocks were all the furniture anywhere, but they required no other. They could cook, sleep, and spend all day there. It was home and it was free.
As digby and Waffle beached the boat, it was almost high noon and unbearably hot. After securing the boat, they both plopped in the hammocks.
“Digby, what should we do? Do we tell someone about the aliens?”
“Shut up Waffle, I’m thinking.”
Waffle had a strained look on his face as if he was deep in thought as well.
“Waffle, I got it, let’s go to the bar.” With that they both got up and made their way to Banana’s, the local watering hole.
Once inside they grabbed two stools near the phone. There was no one in the bar except them and the Barkeep.
“What’s up boys? Need a couple beers?”
“Yea, please, and where the hell is everyone?” Digby says as he wipes the sweat from his eyes.
“It’s been dead in here for quite some time, don’t understand why. With the Minister of Everyone’s Affairs married off, you would think the Breachers would come out again.”
“Wait till you hear what I found!” shouts Waffle.
After Digby kicks Waffle under the bar, he says, “Shush Waffle, we don’t know what you found.”
“Bet it has something to do with all the mysterious construction going on around here. You seen all them dump trucks going back and forth? They are empty going north, then full going south, but then empty going south and full going north?” Barkeep was polishing glasses as he spoke and reached for the next one.
“No, it’s aliens!” shouts Waffle.
“What? Aliens? You two been to Treetop’s for homegrown’s again?”
“Oh,,, Waffle found something strange in the water and his imagination is out of control over it.”
“I been seeing strange lights in the sky from up north there, almost every night now for weeks.”
“See, he has seen ‘em too.” Whines Waffle.
“I saw lights, what did you guys see?”
Excitedly Waffle jumps up and with arms flailing begins to recount his story.
“,,,,and that’s when we decided it best to head for home.”
“Wholy shit,, a Mac 10? That’s not alien that’s made here on earth! Shoots .45 cal. Rounds like,, like,, a bazillion a minute. I wonder if this has anything to do with that butt-ass huge resort thing suppose to be going in up that side? The Emerald Hummingbird or some shit like that.”
“ I dunno, but Waffle and me gotta go to the village this afternoon, we should dig around some.”
As the boys got up to leave and were half way down the stairs, Barkeep yelled after them, ”Hey you fucks, these beers will go on your tab ya know”
Digby and Waffle went to the village about every other week to pay what little bills they had and to get some supplies while checking their mail. The village of Pleasantcia was about 8 miles south of Mental Breach, and the dirt road was always bad. They had a ’62 VW bus they had been driving for 11 years. It was in perfect running condition and the inside was just what 2 old stoners would like. They kept the carpet on the floor clean and somehow free of too much sand. There was even the required tapestry hanging from the ceiling. The body was rusting in spots, but they kept after it with boat resin and fiberglass. They lovingly referred to it as “Lucille”. Complete with a dashboard hula girl.
The boys tossed the few empty beer crates they had in the back of “Lucille”, gathered up their flip flops and headed to town.
As they drove south they could not help but notice the dump trucks.
“HEY YOU CRAZY FUCK!!!” Digby shouted as he hung out the window waving his middle finger at the truck driver who just missed them doing about 50mph.
“Man Digby, what’s with all this construction?”
“Fucking developers have found us Waffle, we are so screwed! Where do all these people come from?”
As they pulled into town, they hit the post office first. Nothing there.
Next was the grocery store, “Waltons”.
As they were on the way in they spotted May Game. May was a long time resident of Pleasantcia. She was a high powered corporate lawyer in her past life until greed and cronyism made her seek calmer pastures. The sign on her office door read, “May B. Game, and that alone caused her some grief from the ‘good ‘ole boys’ in the firm as you can imagine. But she was tough and didn’t back down. She left under good conditions with a large sack of money under her arm, enough to eek out a meager living for a long time in Pleasantcia.
“Hi May, how you been?”
“Oh, hi guys, long time since I see you two”
“Yea” Digby says “it’s best we stay up north, you know how things are.”
“Sure do, you in town for beers?”
“Yea, and we were gonna try to see if anyone heard anything about weird shit going on up north? You know anything weird?”
“Why yes, I have heard there are some developers from Chicago trying to sneak a project under everyone’s noses. It is so big, they knew there would be opposition so they are trying to hide it.”
“That one with all the ponds?”
“No, further up, near Riversedge, the ‘Emerald Hummingbird’ or some shit. I hear now they are even doing some work and it has not even been approved yet.”
“That must be all them lights Barkeep was talking about, them pricks”
“They ain’t from Chicago, theys aliens!” spouts Waffle.
“I heard they had a EIA meeting up at the Misplaced Coral and never notified anyone.”
“That’s what we heard May, they even had free beer and no one told us!”
“That owner, Phil, he has hit on me more times than I can count. At one point he was stalking me!” May says with disgust in her eyes. I turned him down every time , but he just won’t move on?”
“What else you hear May?”
“We are going to get the government to wait and let us have another meeting that everyone can get to, and see what happens then.”
“Tell her about the aliens Digby, tell her.”
“Waffle found some weird shit in the sea up that way, probably nothing.”
“Well, you boys be careful up that way, they could be real dicks, we don’t know yet.”
“Allrighty May, you have fun and stay away from stalkers.” Chuckles and guffaws around. Once the beer was loaded into Lucille, the boys were ahead of schedule and decided to hit a bar while in town, research you know. They chose the ‘Bare-ass Beach Bar’, located on the beach near the center of town. It had been awhile since they had been there. Time to catch up.
They plopped down on two stools and Waffle noticing the bartender had not seen them yet, slapped his hand down on the bar, loudly, causing the bartender to jump.
WHAP,, “Ahh you fuck you,, you scared the shit out of me!” Callie was the daytime bartender at Bare Ass, and she was always glad to see the boys.
‘Good to see you Digby, and you too ‘Nimble-Nuts” handshakes were strong and genuine.
“Long time Callie, how bout a couple beers for me and Nimble-Nuts here”
“Real funny you guys, and good to see you too Callie” Waffle seemed a bit hurt, but he knew nothing was meant by it.
“Gossip,, lets go.” Said Digby.
“Dam, you get right to it”
“Yea” says Waffle, “What you know about the aliens up north?”
“I always thought everyone up in Mental Breach was a bit ,,, ‘out there’. He he.
“Waffle found some shit in the sea, weird shit. Thinks it’s from Uranus.”
“Bring it down, I’d love to see it.”
“Can’t, too big, still under water.”
“Here, take this underwater camera, get a photo and bring it back. I can down load it, then upload it, then transfer it, and manipulate it, until we do have aliens. Just kidding, but do get a photo. I want to see it”
“Allrighty then,, cool, we get to go snorkeling and take photos,, cool.”
The boys spent the afternoon getting lickered up for the drive back home.
“Lets get to bed early tonight Waffle, we can get the photo early and get back down here and see what Callie thinks”
But, Waffle was already asleep. How, as they bounced down the shitty road, was anybody’s guess.

Condos A Fire, part 2

2011-07-17T01:56:00.000-06:00

One month after the meeting in ‘Riversedge’, the sea was calm again. While the tiny skiff bobbed in the small waves, a lone swimmer popped his head above the surface. He grabbed the side of the boat, near the bow where the name was painted in bright red letters,
“CAT SASS’,,,he flung his flippers over the side and tossed in a medium sized snapper he had speared. He clamored onboard and while still struggling to catch his breath, he yanked on the starter rope of the 40hp Yamaha and pointed the bow of ‘Cat Sass’ to the south. “I gotta tell Digby about this” he mumbled through strained breaths.
The little Yamaha was WFO {wide fuckin open} as Waffle set a course for home and his best friend Digby.
Digby and Waffle still shared the same 20ft container they had for years. It was set up nice, and they were comfortable. They did have the local Mennonite use the SkyTrac to move it to the beach side after the Minister of Everyone’s Affairs got married and was too busy to bother with anything like these guys.
They had a nice little chunk on beach, almost in the middle of “Mental Breach’. They kept it clean and groomed. With plenty of small ‘home-y’ touches around.
As Waffle powered the skiff onto the beach, it woke Digby who was snoozing in a hammock under the palm trees. The skiff ran onto the beach with a bit more enthusiasm than usual and it startled Digby.
“What the fuck Waffle,,you tryin to bust up the boat?” he yells as he was half falling from the hammock.
“Digby, you gotta come see, I think the aliens are here,, in the water off Riversedge.”
“What the hell have you been smoking Waffle? Did you find some Canadian cancer pot?”
“No. come see,, grab your snorkel gear,, let’s go!”
Back in the boat, they steamed at full speed back to the site Waffle had been describing.
They dropped their home made anchor, a cinderblock on a rope, and geared up for the swim.
As the two came back to the surface, Waffle says, “See,, aliens!”
“I don’t know Waffle, maybe. But it sure is weird.”
They had seen a large cylindrical object standing on its edge with 5, 6ft diameter pipes extending from the base of the cylinder and heading towards the beach in 5 different directions. All gleaming like brand new stainless steel,, or something from outer space?
It looked like a huge, alien spider, or something.
What they did not see was a very fast attack type dingy heading their way. A group of 3 rather large well armed goons pulled the dingy up close to ‘Cat Sass’.
“You cannot be here, clear the area immediately.”
“We are just doing some snorkeling,, we have a right.” Says Digby.
“Not any more. We own this entire area and you are not allowed, now clear out.”
As the goon raised his Mac 10 sub machine gun in their direction, Digby and Waffle decided it would be best to go ahead and leave the area.
On their way back, Waffle says “What was that all about Digby?”
“I don’t know Waf,, but I don’t think we are dealing with aliens,, not from space anyway.”
They completely forgot about the snapper sloshing around in the bilges.

Condos A Fire, part 1

2011-07-16T01:53:00.004-06:00

I will be away from the computer for a bit and in the mean-time I thought you might enjoy this little tale I wrote a few years ago. It will be posted in separate posts so it will last for a bit.
See you in a few,,,

this is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and persons living or dead is purely coincidental

CONDOS A-FIRE The further adventures of Digby and Waffle
Chapter one.
It was a hot, still night. With no breeze blowing from the sea, the humidity would be considered stifling.
In the parking lot of the small, resort called “Misplaced Coral”, located in a remote, obscure area at the north end of the peninsula, in a small hamlet referred to as ‘Riversedge’ were a few cars, some bicycles, and 5 rented SUV’s. The lot would be considered full with this many vehicles. Inside, at the bar, a small crowd had gathered. They were well into the free booze being provided and some were eating complimentary burritos as well.
A glance around the room show a mixed crowd of half drunk local gringos, and a few ‘corporate’ types who were obviously not from the area. They wore pressed slacks, golf shirts with the little polo pony on the breast pocket, and those wing tip shoes that are present in every board room across America.
As the owner pushed more booze to the gringos, it seemed he was being asked to make sure they got good and loose for tonight’s meeting. He was reminded repeatedly that he would be compensated nicely if he worked with them on this.
While one executive fumbled with a slide projector, two others were leaning against the bar summarizing the job ahead of them.
“Well, at least there is only a few of them.”
“Yea, I remember the time in playa Del Carmen when hundreds of the pissed off locals wanted to hang us all right there.”
“This idea of keeping the public EIA meetings secret and ‘under the table’ really helps our chances of getting out of here alive.”
“And I am glad corporate HQ sprung for the free booze. That always makes us less assholes,, yuk yuk.”
All together there were five executives representing America, UK, Italy, one from Belize, and a Texan. The rep from the UK had already started his project, and the rep from Italy was well off the ground. The Belizean representative had just begun his portion, and the real reason they were all here was to get the American’s portion pushed through GOB without any further hassles. The Texan was included because they may have a use for him somewhere down the road, but doubtful. While the others were polished, well-maintained, corporate types, the Texan was, typically Texan. Up until about a year ago, he was living in a trailer in south Texas living off his mother’s bank account, and that was not large by any stretch. But in true Beverly Hillbillies’ fashion, they found out the property they owned was worth a lot of money. The others saw a possible scapegoat and decided to include him in their plan, just not too far in.
As the meeting began, slides showing the peninsula were flashed on the makeshift screen showing the location of all projects but mostly the Americans part. As they hurried through their required presentation, the rep from Belize was instructing the resort owner to push more booze. They were not drunk enough just yet.
The meeting was near the end and the speaker was rushing to close. They would get out of town with their skin again, and that is a relief. They have held many of these meetings and know full well that the local population will resist their ideas with complete disdain.
All the different parts of the ‘project’ needed to be approved and complete before the master plan could be put into play.
They knew they were destroying everything in their path, but it was a necessity to accomplish their final goal. Money, and an ASS-LOAD of it! Once their part of the mission was complete, they would never have to face the pissed off crowds again. Until the next EIA meeting was needed somewhere else.
The 5 SUV’s were the first to leave the area. The gringos were inside loudly bitching because now the resort owner was back to his usual cheap ass self and cut off any more free beer.
All in all, it was a good night for the corporate types and some local gringos got drunk for free.

Have a need to pierce your foreskin?

2011-07-13T10:31:00.003-06:00

People ask me all the time, “will that bite me?”
My usual response is that everything either stings, bites or will fuck you up in some other fashion.
Take the sea creatures for instance. While there is defiantly shit out there that can hurt you, your chances of finding it is remote. You know not to stick your fingers into little caves or grab things with spikes all over it but occasionally the shit finds you.
I went out to the beach a couple days ago to see what was happnin when I smelled something rotten. Dead fish smell I thought. And sure enough just up the beach from me a bit was a dead stingray lying there, and he was getting ripe!
Before I tossed him back to the sea I whacked off his tail, just to get a better look at his stinger thingy.

Now I have not had the pleasure of getting stabbed by one of these, I have heard it will make you cry.
Here is a shot of it, just a touch bigger than life size.

I can see where that would surely hurt. Total length is about the same as a pencil. And believe me when I say the tip is as sharp as a needle! And you just know there is some sort of infection just ozzing to start up in you.
Ancient Maya’s apparently use to pierce their foreskins with these things. Why,, I have no clue.
Will I be poking it thru my dick? There ain’t enough beer on the peninsula.

My bartender never has to ask, “Do you want another beer?”

Just making some mental notes,,,

2011-07-10T10:22:00.006-06:00

Well lets see, here I go again trying to find some shit to talk about when there really is not much to choose from.
Still raining.
How bout that?
No,, well there just ain't much.
I have been going over in my head some things I should and should not say to the International Living folks.
I believe some of this rant should be left out.

I.L. “so tell us what made you decide to leave the good ‘ol U.S. of A.?”

Me: One day I found myself standing in line at my local supermarket, at 9pm on a Wednesday, buying groceries. Burned-out from working on boilers for the last 20 years. I stood there with a pounding headache and a sore neck, hoping my credit card wouldn’t be declined once I took the place of the overfed hog of a woman in front of me (who was paying for everything with food stamps and/or coupons, and wasn’t even attempting to keep her screaming brood of snot-faced rug rats under control). I summoned every last ounce of patience I had left to remain calm, collected and minimally polite. As the vein in my forehead started to throb, I fantasized about standing in line at a gun store, hoping my credit card wouldn’t be declined, so I could buy an AK-47 and indiscriminately massacre everyone in this place.

What ya think? In or out?

I.L. “But life in the states can be very good. Sounds like you had a decent life going for you.”

Me: Sure, those of us in the modernized West have transcended the assorted woes of our past: we’re not fighting off wild animals with our bare hands, nor dying by the millions of plague or starvation. But nevertheless, modern grown-up everyday life can still be a real headache: rent, insurance, phone bills, gas bills, water bills, electrical bills, medical bills. Taxes, debt, collection agencies, inflation, recession, depression. Soul-crushing day jobs, deadlines, unpaid invoices, downsizing. Gridlock, fender benders, parking tickets, roadside repairs, police sirens. Backaches, doctor’s appointments, root canals. Aggressive panhandlers, door-to-door solicitors, vengeful neighbors, nagging relatives, barking dogs, obnoxious teenagers. et cetera.

In for sure!

The problem with most cops is they have a hard time telling the difference between a felony and just fucking around.

(overheard as he explained how he was arrested for "not a goddamned thing.")

What do ya do with a drunken sailor,,,,,

2011-07-04T08:55:00.004-06:00

It must be June,, er, July cause it’s raining. It began last night and has not stopped. Our tanks will be full now until the dry season. Fuckin frogs are happy little bastards! Little do they know they are living their lives out as nothing more than ‘future snake poop’. The rains bring the frogs and the frogs bring the snakes.

And that will work in our favor also as it may appear we have a rat in the hood. We both heard some shit being knocked around last night and then this morning we found some spice jars fell off the shelf.
Where was the Chief of Security? The Master at Arms?
Lying by the side of the bed, out of the rain, peacefully making those little doggie snore sounds and twitching to a dream of some flavor, that’s where.
To his credit tho, we have had 3 cats during his tour of duty and he is the only one who has caught a mouse.

Last set of guests arrive today before we get a few week break.
Then a few more before we close for 2 months to do some repairs.
I don’t know what it is but we have had a hell of a time getting any contractors to commit to helping us with our upgrades?

Seems most of them don’t want to do the little jobs, they all want house’s and/or bigger jobs. Our little repairs must not seem worth it I guess.
So, we shall see what gets done and what don’t I guess.

Heres something sorta interesting. My birthday is coming up next week. Not so much that being interesting, it has happened on the same day like clockwork for the last 55 years. But this year as I prepare to marinate my inside with ice cold Belikins, I will be interviewed by some folks from International Living Magazine.
I guess it’s for their televised edition or something cause they will be video-ing me and my habitat. They will ask all the same questions I have been answering for the past 13 years: why Belize, what made you leave the states, what do you miss most, what do you not miss at all, what do you do for fun, what is that that thing growing on your ass!
All the usual stuff.
Picking up guests from the airstrip I have gotten all these questions from each, most before we reach Millers Landing! (not the ass growth one tho) So I know some answers.
I try to mix it up just to keep myself entertained.
Not sure what version I will tell the I.L. folks yet.
I think this magazine is all about selling real estate and if you know me, you know I don’t have a lot of respect for that industry, but what can ya do.
Should I put on clean clothes? Trim my hair? Sober up? Clean up my drunken-sailor-on-leave speak?

Naww. I’m happy like I am.

So don’t be surprised to see me and a film crew at a local bar one afternoon.

I opened a friend’s refrigerator and was bewildered to find food where the beer should be.

It came from outer space,,,,well, Israel really. UPDATE

2011-06-29T12:51:00.008-06:00

It’s gizmo day again here at ‘Chez Barnacle.
And the gizmo of the day is a RingFlash from DIY Lighting.

WTF is a ringflash you ask? Howz about a bit of history.
It was invented in ’52 originally for dental work. Remember those circular lights they shine in your face?
This type of lighting has found it’s way into photography mostly in the macro close-up mode. The circular light leaves no shadows and is a great way to light bugs and shit.
It can also bring a new look to people portraits, as I hope to show you soon.
You can buy this light for anywhere from 200 smackers on up.
Or,,,, you can go to DIY-Lighting-kits.com and get one of their do-it-yourself kits for 24 bucks.
Since I just splashed out for a new camera, I went for the diy version.
Side note: YES!! The eagle has landed, my new camera has arrived at my mom’s house and is safely sitting in the pile of booty in my old bedroom waiting for me to come visit!
Am I excited? No. it goes beyond that.
Anyway, the package showed yesterday from Israel. I had it assembled before I could finish one beer. That’s how easy it was.
You stick your flash in the bottom and it bounces around and comes out thru the circle.
It’s made from cardboard and vinyl/plastic stuff, kinda like the material you would find in a school notebook.
I would not recommend stepping on it but with basic caution it should last quite a while.
I will be playing with it soon to see what it’s all about but here you get an idea.

UPDATE: found a ~~schmuck,~~ model.

It is a known fact that men are practical, hardheaded realists, in contrast to women, who are romantic dreamers and actually believe that estrogenic skin cream must do something or they couldn't charge sixteen dollars for that little tiny jar.

Maybe I'm not as smart as I look? Naaawww,,,,UPDATED!

2011-06-22T13:38:00.005-06:00

It all started off innocently enough. As all my ideas do.
A few years ago I discovered that people have been using a tin can like gizmo to help start their charcoal for the grill.
Like most people I had been using fluid and not liking it so much.
I tried the gas grill route for a couple years but decided charcoal was the way to grill. I just needed a way to get them damn coals going better.
Then here in Belize, the charcoal we use is way different. Not your little briquettes like you are used to no sir. Here we have the real deal. I describe it as if someone went to the scene of a house fire and scooped up all the timbers. I don’t know what it is but it works great,, once you get it lit.

When I brought down one of them new-fangled tin can starters and gave it a try, whollyshit! It worked better than I would have expected. I barely got thru 2 beers before these coal were jet engine hot! No fanning the coals, no adding more fluid, it just cooked.
Sumbitch, wish I would have known years ago. And it turns out folks have been doing this for ever. I never got that memo.
So I have now been thru a few of these (between us and the guests using them and the harsh beach conditions they don’t last forever) when I decided that hey, I have never seen another one of these in the country, I should have some made and sell them. People will be lining up to buy once they learn what a great idea it is.
Mrs. Barn was, let’s say a bit less optimistic about the idea.
She was either impressed or appalled. I have trouble telling those apart.
“I’m going to see the Mennonites and have them make me some to sell. It will be great!”
“Nobody will buy them, you’re being a dipshit.”
“You watch, they will make them cheap, I will sell at a reasonable mark up, and I will retire a millionaire before the years end!”
“Are you brain dead? What about the cost of going to and from Spanish Lookout?”
“Not to worry, I got it all figgerd out.”

I was in SL anyway getting the AC fixed in the truck so I said phuck it, I’m going to talk to the tinners.
They made me 4 from a sample I left with them and it only took 2 months before someone would pick them up for me.
But guess what, and you have no idea how much it pains me to say this but, there’s a slight, slim, miniscule possibility that I may have been wrong. BUT, its an even slimmer possibility that she was right.
I think my only mistake was in calculating the time frame for reaching my retirement goal. And maybe the cash amount was a bit off as well.
But look at it this way, we should not have to buy another charcoal chimney for many years to come and for that alone I am a genius!
And thank you for agreeing.

UPDATE: well, looks like I may have been right all along.
I have sold all my ‘Tin Man hat’ fire starters.
Sorry for those who left a comment about wanting one but there will be another order made.
So to her who thinks I was just a idiot with a pipe dream, I have this to say to you, NANNY NANNY POO POO!

“She spilled a beer on me. That’s foreplay.”

Quick update,,,

2011-06-21T07:02:00.005-06:00

Someone asked me the other day if I had quit the blog since there has been a serious lack of posts lately.
No, I have not. I have just been in a slump.

We have been busy again with guests, getting ready to shut down for repairs, and my trip to consumer heaven.
I have ordered and shipped a ton of shit to my moms house and it’s all in a pile waiting for me. I even had to ship a huge rolling duffle to bring it all back in! Customs ought to love me long time this trip.

It has started raining. Just in time too. We were getting a bit low in the aqua dept.

A small milestone. The hit counter for the blog has passed the 200,000 mark! Thanks readers!

It’s all good.

I was genuinely excited about Cingular’s “More bars in more places” promise until I found out they were talking about cell phones.

Hey, this looks allot like my house?

2011-06-13T13:04:00.005-06:00

Somebody’s gotta do it. I look at it as in the trenches grunt work. No glamour, no fluff, just get the shot.
I was approached by a local developer to shoot the interiors of a couple model homes for their web site.
As always I want to hone my skills in every aspect and with every type subject, so I said ‘hell yea’. I don’t know if I have ever set out on purpose to photograph interiors, so I learned a lot by my mistakes.
Oh, and by the way, these are some damn nice interiors!
These houses are for sale so if interested swing in and speak with the fine folks at CocoPlum. Bring your checkbook.

I hope theres an afterlife so I can waste it too.

Trophys and Sweeties in da Breach. UPDATE!

2011-06-08T10:50:00.007-06:00

The road beautification project is steamin right along. Next thing you know, I’m in a meeting with the areas hi-end movers and shakers? How in thee hell did I get wrapped up in this?
Oh well, a couple other good things came from the meeting. I got a photo job, AND, I learned that if you shave before the full moon instead of after, you hair grows back faster. I shit you not.
This well may be so, but who would take the effort to test it?

And Scurvy brought home a new girl friend.

There’s no arguing, she is a sweetie. Now we wonder if and when she will go home.

More good PR for da Breach!
The good folks at the MB Bistro are finalists in BTB’s “Best in Belize” competition. I have confidence they will bring back the trophy!

Congratulations to the owners and the entire staff and crew of the MAYA BEACH HOTEL BISTRO!!!

UPDATE:
Well, no surprise here. MB Bistro has won BEST RESTAURANT IN BELIZE!
That’s no small feat being the best an entire country has to offer.
Anyone who has been there knows the food, staff and service is top shelf. The atmosphere is made by the owners and staff to be perfect!
I had no doubts about this years winner.

Other peninsula winners include our favorite dive shop, AVADON, another no brainer.
And Althea Schable for front line person of the year.
Placencia always seems left behind, especially Maya Beach, but not anymore!
Congrats to all!

Woody: Little early in the day for a beer, isn't it, Norm?
Norm: So float a corn flake in it.

Weed Whackin Muthas,,,

2011-06-05T10:44:00.006-06:00

Well, I’m still alive. I know some of you have been concerned with my absence, lets say I HOPE some of you were concerned. It’s always good to get a blog up on a rather consistent schedule but sometime that just ain’t the way it works round here. Some of the things I have been busy with, Mrs. Barn got back from her visit with her parents. That always takes a few days to ‘re-acquaint’ ourselves, wink wink.
And now the 2 Yute's we have hired to chop the weeds alongside the road are taking up a bunch of time.
If you have not noticed, the road up here in the Breach is looking much better!
We have got lots of donations from neighbors and the V.I.P. Lounge and Mango’s have been feeding them lunch as their donations!

I have also been a internet shopping junkie this last few weeks. I have a pile of booty stacked up at my moms house so big I had to buy a huge rolling duffle and ship it there just to pack all this home!
Yes, I will be making that journey soon.

And this photo is one of the last to be taken with my trusty old D100.
In that pile at mom’s house will be my new upgrade. A D300s.
Am I excited? What do you think?

Whoever called it near beer was a poor judge of distance.

Mental Breach bar Crawl,, part dos,,,,

2011-05-28T11:22:00.005-06:00

Yes, you heard right. My drinkin buddy has left me. My partner who is forever nearby. Gone.
And before you ask if she was Ruptured again, let me assure you she was not.
Nope, this time gone for real. Gone by the way of the big silver bird, gone.
She went to visit her parents for a week, left me all alone here to wallow in my own loneliness.
Well I did that for a day then decide to hit the town.
I had to go get the boys some gas for the weed eater so what better excuse to hit Barefoot bar for their noon happy hour!
Granted noon is not the happenest time to hit Barefoot but I enjoy talking to Mel and Brice.
Slurped down a ~~few~~ bunch there and headed back to the Breach.
Next stop, Mangos.
Order beer, chug, repeat.
Got some gossip and spread some rumors so all went well.

Next MB Hotel.
It was Ellen’s birthday so I best stop and see if there were any shenanigans going down.
None. Only thing going down was the cold beers!
But Ellen did decide to make this graph so show Mrs. Barn how I progressed thru the afternoon.

Next, me and Scurvy went to the V.I. P. lounge.
But, nothing happnin there and now those all beef hot dogs I got from Mango’s were calling my name.
Besides, Scurvy can’t go to the V.I.P. lounge. Their big black dog, Menjecko kicks his ass. But he had a great time in the other bars. I should have got a photo of him passed out in the beachside door at Mango’s with his hair just blowin in the wind, all happy and smiling.

Anyway, I survived the afternoon, no one was arrested, no blood, no fouls.
Survived to drink another day.

I wish some other hummers would come round here. These guys are getting monotonous.

God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?

Oh great, my mom wants me to quit cussin,,,,

2011-05-25T20:14:00.003-06:00

OK, I talk to my mom about every night. We run out of things to talk about but I still phone her up.
Tonight , at the end of the conversation, she sez, “oh by the way, why do you need to use bad language on the computer?”
To which I respond, “You don’t have a computer, what are you talking about?”
“I have heard things from some relatives.”

So, let me set some things straight.

First, I worked over 20 years in hot-ass boiler rooms after I was discharged form the US Navy’s boiler rooms, translates SUCK!

I am 55 years old, I listen to rock & roll music LOUD, I drink more beer than I should, I am in no way even remotely religious, I live in a 3rd world country scraping out a meager existence. I did not graduate from high school but I do not feel less educated than those who did. My education was real time.
My vocabulary can be sometimes described as that of a ‘Fleet Sailor’, and I have no problem with that. It’s only words.

Words are just that, words. It is how you use them that is important. If some one hears/reads me say ‘fuck’, so what. Would it be better if I use my other spelling, ‘PHUCK’?
What’s the diff? But now it’s not the ‘F’ word.
We have all heard this before, which word is more offensive, fuck,,, or murder?
I am a big fan of George Carlins ‘words you can’t say on TV’, it is perfect.

I guess, where I am going with this is, I ain’t gonna change.
If you don’t like my language on my blog, fuck off and go look at someone else’s blog. It’s a big blogosphere.

And to whoever ratted me off to mom,, knock it off! She don’t need to hear her only begotten son is a foul-mouthed fuckin heathen!

Thankyou!

Now THAT'S a hairy ass!

2011-05-25T09:17:00.004-06:00

It’s been awhile but occasionally we get these little fellas round here.

They are prolly here I just don’t see them. But yesterday Mrs. Barn asked me to kindly relocate this guy from her laundry area, please. If I am google-ing right, this is a Mexican Red Belly, or maybe a Hairy-assed Mudda Focka?

(click to imbiggen)

I mean just look at the hair on his ass! I’m jealous.

They have the Internet on computers, now?

I thought I was wrong once, turns out I was wrong. UPDATED!

2011-05-20T07:11:00.005-06:00

I panicked. OK, what would you have done?
Let me backup just a touch and ‘splain myself.
Maybe or maybe not you have heard about May 21st being the day for RAPTURE. The day all the good people get whisked away to some mythical place leaving all us heathens behind to ~~suffer~~ party until oct 21st when the world will explode.
Well imagine my surprise when after waking up from a nap, I walk out to the DoubleWide and find what’s left of Mrs. Barn!
I mean they took her! They fucking took all of her. Only thing left was the clothes she was wearing. Even got her in mid-beer!

I back up, grab my head and tried to find some logic in it all.
Why would they take her but leave me behind? Or are they just going in alphabetical order? Why would they take her at all??
What the fuck will I do now? How will I get by?
As I fall to my knees, throw my arms to the sky and scream WHY, WHY TAKE HER,, WHY.
I was then reduced to a whimpering puddle of goo when I heard her voice. Not from above but from below?
What the,,,, there it is again. She seems to be calling me some sort of dipshit?
Then I see her coming up the stairs. I rub my eyes, can it be?
“What the fuck you doin layin on the deck? You look like an asshole.”
Yep, it’s her alright.
“I thought you had been taken by the body snatchers, and all that was left was your clothes.”
“Oh fer fucks sakes, I spilled my beer, had to change clothes, and went down to check our beer supply. You need to bring up a case, now.”
“Oh, Ok, I just thought, I didn’t know, you could have been, see theres this thing,,, nevermind.”

For a minute there, I thought I might have to party the next 5 months alone. Just for a minute tho.

That makes as much sense as a dolphin crawling across your ceiling while your toaster plays "Sweet Home Alabama." I'm glad I didn't do any acid that night. Those are the moments you really want to be clearheaded for.

I don't need no stinkin insurance,,,

2011-05-19T14:23:00.005-06:00

Oh the fun we have had.
Over the years, Mango’s bar has been a main point in the fun that goes on in Mental Breach. Built in if I remember right, ’99 or ’00, we have been pleased to have partook in many of the shenanigans that have gone on.
Two stories come to mind. The first we have always called
“The Last Tango at Mango’s”.
Ok,, I was not actually there this night but this is what happened. First thing you have to understand is that there was alcohol involved, and plenty of it.
The current ‘manager’ of the bar was about ½ way thru adding the deck to the beach side. There were 2 doorways but the doors had been on order for awhile, and no deck yet either. To keep folks from plummeting 14ft to the sand below, they nailed up a 2x4 across each doorway.
Well sometime during this night, and for reasons I do not fully understand (neither do they) two grown men, each named Glen, began dancing with each other. (see, I told you there was booze involved.) some sort of waltz I hear.
Then, right during a particularly upbeat moment in the song, one Glen two-stepped the other Glen right thru the 2x4 and both Glens went slamming 14 ft to the ground. One glen landing on the other who broke his fall. The unlucky Glen spent the rest of the drunken evening trying to get some medical aid for his severely broken ankle.
All worked out tho and Brother Glen barely has a limp.

Next up is our friend George. You remember him, he was the hatchet man during the pig de-nutting episode awhile back.
Yet another night I was not in attendance when George took his turn at bar-room gymnastics.
As is my understanding, George decide to leave and chugged back his beer when another neighbor came in and talked him into staying for one more.
After probably more than one he gets up to leave.
Seems our gymnast missed calculated the steps and crashed down the first flight to the deck ½ way down the entrance.
Help came boiling down the stairs after him, grabbing him and shaking him asking ‘you all right, you hurt?’
Turns out, yes he was hurt.
George broke his neck!

(click to imbiggen so you can read)

The local docs told him to get to the hospital which he did.
First they wanted to put him in a ‘halo’, he declined. Then something else was offered and he again declined. So he wore a neck brace around for what seemed like months.
Well, another story with a happy ending.
George is right back at Mango’s doing what we all do best.
But it think we should all leave the bar-room gymnastics to the younger crowd. And that includes pole dancing!

If you want to drink all day, you gotta start early

Halfway thru the game,,,

2011-05-15T12:27:00.002-06:00

Yesterday was Mrs. Barn’s birthday. 50 freegin years old! That’s 100 Belizean!
And we celebrated. Normally I would treat her to a afternoon in the wonderful village of Silk Grass where wonders never end. But this year I pulled out all the stops, let loose all the monkeys, and uncorked every lid. We did the pub crawl through Mental Breach.
Stop #1, MB Bistro.
Beers beers beers, rums rums, munchies munchies, snacks and chocolate chicken tacos. Yes you heard me correctly. Chicken tacos with an experimental chocolate sauce. And of course they were great. I was scared at first but not anymore!
Then the party moved down the road to Mango’s.
Beers beers beers, rums rums rums, good times here as well.
Last stop before home, the V.I.P. lounge.
Beers beers bee,,,, fuck it, we gotta go home.
All done till next year.

A new restaurant in Siene Bight.
Upstairs of Elvis grocery has opened. Sign sez, eggrolls, wontons, dumplings and other items. It also sez, rooms for rent 40$ for 2 hours.
Hmmmmmmmmm. What are you to do for the other hour and fifty minutes?

No tools in the truck, but plenty of beer?

2011-05-10T13:42:00.005-06:00

Up at the butt-crack of dawn, dog walked, coffee made, and on the road by 0730 Dangriga bound.
Mrs. Barn needs a new driving license and I have been informed that after years of driving round with BZ plates, I now must get SC plates. Makes sense, but why did they let me go for years?

First stop, Transport.
Hey, look. We are the only ones here, schweet!
Took them 10 minutes to remove her 3 yr old photo from the expired license and glue it to a new one.
Note: she truly likes using the same photo for years,, women are like that.
Took another ten minutes to issue me new plates and the paperwork.
Then it took their ‘guy’ another 20 minutes to remove and install the new plates. And he really only got the back one on, sorta and the front is on the dash. I get to plant them both properly in the morning.
Note to self: I thought you were going to carry some tools in the truck dipshit!

I have seen this for the last few years and have always wanted a photo but they would not let me. But today, with no one around and the transport crew gathered in the room with AC and a microwave, I snuck my camera in and poked it thru the cage.

I have heard a few versions of why someone torched their way into the safe, but unfortunately none are as exciting as a robbery.

Most center around someone lost the key and/or combonation. But it always makes me laugh when I see it.

Then it’s off to LANDS DEPT to try and see why they send us notices that we are behind in our land taxes.
Mrs. Barn has all the receipts, naturally, proving we have paid all appropriate fees and taxes.
Turns out, during the MONTHS OF HELL we endured a few years back getting both our lots transferred to the new system, THEY did not enter one lot into the new system. Guess who gets to go back to Belmopan and get in line at Lands Dept? One guess,, goat head. Yep, that’s right US!

Hey, it could be worse. We could be in the states where it is flooding, burning, tornados everywhere, no jobs, buttzillions of cars on the road with you, assholes in every direction you look, Starbucks, Mickey d’s, WallMarts, Sarah Palin and The Donald, but I digress.
Oh,, and another guess, who is going to the land of opportunity soon? Let’s see if I can squeak out another visit without being arrested.

When I’m a zombie eating brains, I’m dipping everyone in RANCH.

It's a dog's life,,,

2011-05-05T19:17:00.004-06:00

Thursday’s are my night out. Mrs. Barn goes off to play poker so I head for the V.I.P. Lounge to catch up on current events.
Tonight didn’t happen that way.
The lounge could not have been more boring, no one showed up till I was into my 5-6th beer, the kid, Raina was determined to watch sesame street or some shit. Fuck it,, I went home.
Got back just about the time Mrs. Barn was leaving.
Now what,,,,

I know, Scurvy, get yer ass in here. And put on these shades and sit still.
Well,, I can bet you know how smooth that went.
But I got ‘er done. And he never bit me either.

Some days our lives are just not that glamorous.

"How's the world been treating you?"
"Like a baby treats a diaper."

Most excitment we had all week!

2011-05-04T13:36:00.003-06:00

I think I once mentioned that there is a SOLD sign on the lot to the south of us. did I also mention that we are apprehensive about who is going to move in right next door? It could be anyone. The only thing we can be sure of is that it won’t be Osama bin Laden! Nope, he’s kinda busy right now.
We have never heard who bought the lot, not even a rumor.
Someone sent a young worker once to chop a tiny area and plant 3 coconut trees. But that’s it.
Until yesterday.
Someone sent over another young man who started clearing,, from the center of the lot. He hacked away for awhile and started a small burn pile he was piling up the grass in. he lit the pile which caused us some concern as it is very dry right now and windy but the kid seemed to show some caution as he kept the fire small and contained.
But then he left.
As I stood at the toilet takin a whizz I heard a WHOOMP. I looked out the window and holy shit!

If you have never seen a palmetto patch go up in flames, well it is like tissue paper and there were a lot of palmettos on this lot!

Shake shake, tuck and zip,, yell at Mrs. Barn to call the fire truck and I head for the hose. To tell the truth, I was torn between the hose and the camera,, but choose the hose.
Soon everyone who drove by was stopping to help. A lot of the neighbors got word and came as well.

By the time the fire truck arrived the fire was out of reach to my hose and they did a great job of containing what could have been a big problem.

We hear they are looking for this kid and will fine him 100$. We were wondering if he would come back today at all and I had a nice ass-chewin speech all planned out but he never showed up(?).
We hope this is not some kind of omen of who is going to be our neighbors.
And a lesson learned: don’t go into a grass/brush fire wearing flip-flops.

"Can I pour you a beer, Barnacle?"
"A little early isn't it?"
"For a beer?"
"No, for stupid questions."

12-21-12 ain't got nuttin over a Zombie invasion!

2011-05-01T07:18:00.007-06:00

OK, we survived “Dead Guy on a Stick” day, we made it thru our young friends visit, we are still plugging along with plenty of guests, when I am reminded of all the upcoming events we still have to conquer.
Apparently, May 21, this month, is ‘Judgement Day’.
I forget who but someone has decided that on that date Gawd is going to take all the good people away and leave all us sinners behind. Or something like that.
So when I wake up on the 22nd, right where I was the day before, I guess that means I am fucked.
Mrs. Barn has it written on her calendar so we don’t forget.
Wonder if we will be stood up,, again?

Then I think there is one other date before THE BIG ONE, but it escapes me right now.

On to THE BIG ONE.
December 21st 2012.
Oh yea, we all know this date. The day the Maya ran out of chisels to carve their calendar any longer.
People have been worried about that one for years.
So, plan accordingly.

Then, last night as we were sitting on the DoubleWide, minding our own damn business, I hear this.
Brother Glen: Brother Bill, I have a guy here from Brasil named Guggi (pronounced Goo-gee) who knows a lot about Zombies. I figured you would want to talk to him.

Yep, this is the kinda stuff that comes to my door. If not this than it’s Jehovah’s.
So I go out to see WTF and Brother Glen is right, Guggi starts talking about Zombies. How they live, breed, eat, how to kill them ect.

I would glance over to Glen and he was just giddy, snickering and chuckling.
Back to Guggi, he then switched to Vampires.
I asked Glen what the fuck are you two doing here?
Glen says he picked up Guggi in Siene Bight and he had been talking about Zombies all afternoon so he wanted me to see it.

At one point Guggi was telling us about Zombies being mentioned in the Bible.
I asked him if they were put onto Normans ark? He said Noah. I said no, his name was Norman. We argued that for a moment but settled on Norman.
Did Norman put 2 Zombies on the ark?
Along with the green alligators and long neck geese, the humptyback camels and chimpanzees. Some cats and rats and elephants but sure as you’re born, he never collected a unicorn!

Glen was about ½ to ¾ in the bag at the time as well.
We decide Glen should keep his helmet on to help keep the Zombies from getting to his brain. And my advice about Vampires was to keep the alcohol level in the bloodstream so high they cannot detect any blood. Works for me.
So apparently Guggi has been in SB for a week or so and may be here longer. So if you bump into him, strike up a conversation.
He creeped Mrs. Barn out.

Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol

I miss my friends,,,,,,,,

2011-04-28T18:12:00.017-06:00

Whew, It’s been a week since our friends showed up.
Our age is beginning to poke thru all the gloss we put up front. I am almost ready to admit I cannot hang with the young-uns,, not quite yet but someday soon.
And it’s not so much that we can’t hang, but it’s tough to ‘go on vacation’ with guests when we still have to tend to the business. And when friends show up, we seem to go on vacation with them. Whine whine whine, snivel.

Now, I am no way against tattoos, but,, and there is always a but, I appreciate all the work and effort that goes into tattoos, I just can’t justify the cost. Obviously others can.
But not only is this a nice tiger, but it was installed on a very nice thigh!
This is Garretts wife, Sarah. A girl who's cute-ness just flows!

I believe they had a good time. They went snorkeling/vomiting, endured a terrible van ride to a ruin site, and I took them to the waterfalls in Cockscomb basin.
They ab-so-lut-ly loved the MB hotel! And we logged some considerable time on the barstools at the V.I.P. lounge as well, with McNugget.

Garrett, refers to me as his ‘second Dad, and I am looking at him as my adopted child.
His father and I were best friends from around 7th grade until he died in ’04. We went to school/ditched together, we worked bullshit jobs together in our youth, we joined the Navy together in ’76, he got discharged and went to Oregon and got married, I went back to Denver. He moved back to Denver around ’81 and we hooked back up. He was the best man in our wedding. We both worked at the University of Denver till I went to work at Denver Public Schools and he went off to CSU to work in their Co-gen plant.
Then he left there and came to join me at DPS.
We did everything together. We camped together all those years, we rode dirt bikes together, we entered races’ together, he always finished ahead of me.
(he was always faster than me but I was said to be ‘smoother’, must be a code word for slower.)
To say the least,, we were tight. And did I mention all the epic drinking sessions?
We left Denver in ’98. He took over my job at DPS. Him and his wife, Nancy came to visit once and it was a monumental visit!

Then in ’04 something happened. There was a whole lot of shit happening that I can only try to figger out from my other buddies, but one night my best friend put a pistol in his mouth and ended the special thing we had going.

Now, as I walked thru Cockscomb Basin with his son who I watched grow up, I could not only see my friend Jim, but I could hear his voice. It got eerie more than once as Garrett sounded exactly like his dad! Not so much what he said, which was pretty close, but the sound of his voice. It made me stop and look.

I miss my best friend and am actually dropping some tears right now, but I am going to do my damdest to be best friends with his son, Garret.
Matt, Noah,, don’t let this mean I think less of you two, you’re in this conversation as well,, I just did not spend a week with you guys.

This post is dedicated to my best friend, James Henry Weiler. R.I.P.

Friend,, I’ll be here for your sons.

And so it goes,,,,

2011-04-23T12:04:00.007-06:00

Every holiday that has some sort of liquor license restrictions is subject to confusion. And as with most of Belize, it is never written clearly. They seem to always leave wiggle room either for or against depending who and how it is to be enforced.
Easter being the classic example. Each year it rolls around, because people still believe in the Easter bunny, and each year the discussions start about who can be open when and why.
Apparently, good Friday is determined to be a non selling beer day because that is the day the bunny colors his eggs, as is my understanding. So, no alcohol sales on Good Friday.
But, people started to bitch about how they are not going to be anywhere near the bunny and his eggs, so the backed down to selling beer at 1800.

It’s now Saturday and I believe we are now resuming our regular scheduled program and the bunny and his followers can go do as they please.
But what also happens each year is that the cops actually try to enforce this ‘rule’? With shit going on that I don’t even talk about, how do they find the time and/or justification to spend time with this? And just how petty can someone be as to take it on their own to sneak around and try and rat out someone who they believe is defile-ling the bunny’s good name?
Pathetic I say, pathetic.
So to them and this rule I send out a heartfelt FUCK YOU!

Our friends are here. I made the trip to the airport in BZ city and we had a nice scenic drive back. Got a bit sunburned yesterday just hanging on the beach bullshittin, but at 1800 we went on the search for an open bar,, found some too!
Today they went on the Xunantunich/Blue Hole trip and by the time they get back we should be ready for some nacho’s at the V.I.P. lounge!
It has been very windy for the last week, and I hope it dies down enough they can go snorkeling.

And look what popped outa their suitcase!
A Nikkor 24-70, 2.8 zoom! What a sweet lens!

It retails for 1,899.00$ I got mime for 16.00$
How you might ask did I swing that, well, for one,,,,, it’s just a cup/beer mug!

Ha ha ha ha, and you shoulda seen the expression on Mrs. Barns face, priceless!
Still working on the D300s cash account tho.

“Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer”

Happy Zombie Jesus Day!

2011-04-20T14:37:00.005-06:00

Been real busy round these parts with guests, yard projects, and preparations for some friends’ arrival Thursday!
Yep, keep an eye on the international news for the next week, could be some interesting shit.

Another interesting tidbit. I was approached by the Placencia Breeze, the local newspaper, to write a monthly article. The subject was sorta left open, but naturally should do some sort of good for the area. Oh, and I was told to keep it in the ‘G’ rating category? That makes things fuckin tough. It’s not like every fuckin word outa my gotdam yapper is a shitty-assed cuss word, right?
I’ll work on it.

Then we had some friends stop by a few days ago to look at some of the photo cards we have been selling.
Sandy, whilst flipping through the cards made the best comment I have heard in a long time!
“Wow, these are really good. I didn’t know you two ever amounted to anything!”
That had us all rollin!

Happened to be at the V.I.P. lounge yesterday whe our local pig ~~farmer~~ rancher dropped off a poor soul for a BBQ. It just looked funny seeing them 3 big pigs in the back of that small pickup.

Easter weekend. Won’t be seeing much if any of us down south till it’s all said and done. It gets too crazy down there for me, what with the Zombie Jesus’s running round and shit.
Stupidest laws ever, no booze sold on good Friday?
What the fuck? Isn’t this the day supposedly Jesus moved that big rock and crawled outa his cave, a Zombie?

And goes about craving the brains of the living? And we can’t get drunk?
Maybe it’s like after a hurricane; they don’t want everybody hammered during a crisis. And being chased by Zombie Jesus would fall into the crisis category for sure!
And I am sure they will stay true to past holidays. The power will go out many times, the stores will run out of beer and ciggys, there will be a few car wrecks, a few burglary’s, tons of traffic, and noise.
We will be hiding out up here where it’s safe-er.

“She came onto him like a slow movin' cold front -- His beer was warmer than the look in her eyes.”

My readers are the BEST! With hot sauce.

2011-04-14T18:35:00.005-06:00

Allrighty then,, I am back from parts unknown. Actually, I spent the day in the Land of the Mennonites today. Went to Spanish Lookout to get my AC repaired. Rest at ease,, I am cool.
One thing that slaps you right in the face while in Mennonite villages, is the difficulty finding beers? Oh well, the western hyway is just over the hill.

Went to the V.I.P. Lounge as Mrs. Barn went to her weekly girl’s night out and I got a couple interesting tidbits.
Seems the Heineken truck was on the peninsula yesterday selling beer. Also seems the truck was HYJACKED! They stole the beer and the truck! Apparently the Heineken folks were back today researching who bought ‘hot’ beer and did they pay with a check.

Then a laugh broke out as one beer drinker was commenting on how he got a tax break for adopting a child. Then,, the same child came up and asked for a juice and was told to ‘get a job’!
It may sound bad but it was all in fun and we got a good laugh from it.

Then yesterday we went to the village and got mail. This was included in our batch.

I don’t know if I have met this person cause my memory is bout as long as the list of beer I drink, but check it out!

Now, I assume this ‘birthday’ gift was for the blogs second year which was a while back, but Mrs. Barn snatched that Jackson quicker than quick claiming her birthday is next month.

And that’s when the fight started.
After a bunch of ‘fuck you’s went back and forth, we decided that it will be spent at Danube for a happy hour.
Herb, Sim,, make preporations!

And have I ever mentioned how much I like local hot sauce? No, well I really do.
Here is a tip,, Doris makes some of the BEST!

She sent me home with this little sample jar tonight. If you have not tried it,, what are you waiting for? The packaging is not so much for re-sale but fuck that,, grab some!!!

I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!

A little of dis an dat,,,

2011-04-10T10:26:00.002-06:00

I spent a few hours on a nice couch the other day, watching Jerry Springer on TV. The only real reason I was tuning in to Jerry was that I couldn’t figure out how to change the channel on one of them new fangled big-ass TV’s everyone seems to have. Belize has so many contrasts.
I was stranded there on that couch while my AC in the truck was being repaired. 3 episodes of Jerry later, I was informed they were having trouble finding the part I needed. After another episode of “Does DNA prove the kid is mine?”, they told me to come back next week. Fuck.
I have to make a trip to the international airport in a couple weeks and I don’t want to make that trip on window cooling alone! Spoiled much? This is the first car I have ever owned with AC, and yes, I’m fuckin spoiled. And so is Scurvy. With the windows down, my hair fuckin blows everywhere, have to turn the stereo way up to hear it, then way back down to talk. Gimme my AC back dammit!

Seems McNugget, the V.I.P.’s drunkin chicken has been 86d from the bar. Not so much for his drinking habits but he has found his wings. I know I know, chickens can’t fly, much. But this little bastard is giving it his all. He began to jump from the bar to a nearby table where he would crash land into someone’s beer, knocking it over, maybe on purpose. Then fly/stumble to the next table, and so on.
Doris yelled “allright, pollo. salga de aquí y don' t se vuelve.” To which he promptly left. I assume his next gig will be the star attraction in the stew pot as a drunkin chicken has little redeeming social value. And in Mental Breach, we set some pretty high standards! Dammit.

Speaking of that, I was told our local pig farmer sold his first pig. There was a birthday party planned in Siene Bight and BBQ pork was on the menu. The pig musta got wind of this because as they unloaded him from the car, he said a quick ‘fuck you’ and made his escape. I believe he is still at large somewhere out in the bush. Got to give him credit, I would have done the same thing! Now if he shows back up at the farm, then give the farmer credit for training them pigs right!
But to be all technical and shit, wouldn’t this pig farm be like the shrimp farms? In that I don’t think they are ‘farms’ so much as they are ranches. At a farm you plant shit in the ground. At a ranch you herd and wrangle shit. Am I right?

I'm going to be around until the Atomic Energy Commission finds a safe place to bury my liver.

Will Belize invade Texas? And if so, why??

2011-04-03T09:06:00.003-06:00

Found in my 'inbox'.

Hey Bill and Adriane,

I ran across something you may or most likely may not find interesting. Seems Belize was included in this year's April Fools Joke from Texas Motor Speedway. Not nearly as funny as last year when he suckered 90% of the local media into it, but it's something.

The following statement was issued today by Texas Motor Speedway President Eddie Gossage regarding his annual April Fool’s joke:

"After last year’s April Fool’s joke became an embarrassment for news organizations on a national level, you would think I would have learned my lesson. While I thought this year’s joke was much tamer, it apparently has touched a nerve for many.

I want to apologize to the Synchronized Swimming Association of America, fitness personality Richard Simmons, koala bear fans and the people of Belize. I especially want to thank Vinai Thummalapally, the U.S. Ambassador to Belize, for his wise counsel.

We’re working hard to prepare for next Saturday night’s Samsung Mobile 500 and I simply didn’t fully consider the impact of my joke."

Note-Due to the nature of the relationship between the U.S. and Belize, Gossage has reached an agreement with the Department of State to make no further comment.

So are you guys about to invade or what?

Take care and tell Scurvy I said "Hey".

Mike

Guess what I saw a mouse doing,,,

2011-03-30T13:08:00.008-06:00

I’m just not really sure what to think about this.
Let me ‘splain.
Awhile back I noticed one day that Mrs. Barn is now storing her toothbrush out in the ‘living room’ area of ‘Chez barnacle.

I said hmmmm, what’s up with this. I pressed her for an explanation and heres what I got.

Seems she had just read somewhere about all the germs floating in the air in a bathroom. A bathroom that has a crapper is even worse. And since the Master Bath here does indeed have a throne, she opted to remove her toothbrush from the lingering green cloud that permeates the air in there.

Notice she left my brush behind.
So about this time I point to all her dental floss that remained in the ‘room of death’ to which she shrugged off and said ‘it’s in the cabinit’. Her hair brush, ‘don’t brush my teeth with it’.
The only thing that made her stop and think was when I told her I had seen a mouse humpin the hell outa her tooth brush, and I didn’t stop him. But after a few minutes she decided she didn’t believe me.
Then I told her about how I used to sneak her chap stick outa her purse and give it a twirl around the cat’s ass then sneak it back into her purse.
She kinda ran the back of her hand across her lips and called ‘bullshit’. But that one I think she believes.

So anyway, look at my tooth brush sitting all alone in there, marinating in toxic fumes, (as if my turds stink, HA), while hers enjoys the nice clean atmosphere out where the house geckos wander.

Women,, I tell ya.

My next bitch, and I promise it will be the last one today, is this.
I am done, I quit, and never again will I buy cookies or tortillas off the shelf. For the last time I have strung up my hammock, poured a nice glass of cold milk, grabbed some cookies and settled in for some quality tube time only to have the first bite of cookie taste like soap! It happens all too often.
It’s the same taste in the tortillas as well,, soap.
My assumption is that someone is not rinsing their cookware enough after they wash it, and it leaves behind a taste.

On the bright side, at least I assume they are washing their stuff.
So,, if by the odd chance one of you readers is the one making the cookies or tortillas,, rinse the pots and pans better!!!
It could be worse, they could be letting their dough rise in the bathroom!

"If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose."

Bikini's, 'O' rings, and film cards,,,

2011-03-27T14:19:00.004-06:00

Any divers out there? Any want to come visit in July? Any of you underwater photogs? Any want to win some cool prizes?
Was that enough questions? Want to hear more?
OK OK,, heres the straight poop.
There is to be the FIRST ANNUAL GREAT PLACENCIA SHOOTOUT, and it’s scheduled for July.

Most, if not all the dive shops in the area are getting involved and although I have not heard what the official prizes will be, it looks like some doozies from the sponsors on their website!

July 26, 27, and 28 are the official days for shooting with winners all 3 days. Category’s are macro, wide angle, and portrait.
The dive shops involved will cater exclusively to the photographers allowing them time to set up shots ect.
This is hopefully going to be a yearly event like lobster fest and the fishing tourney.
Heres the LINK TO THEIR SITE, but the site is still being updated so there are still some blanks but you get the idea.
And here is a PDF copy of our local newspaper, The Placencia Breeze with another artical about it on page 12, plus if you have not seen this fine publication you should!

So grease up the ‘O’ rings, format the flash cards, toss the dive gear into the bag and book some flights!

I have all day sober to Sunday up!

Another friend heads off to the Great Happy Hour in the Beyond. R.I.P. Ron Pitt

2011-03-26T08:19:00.005-06:00

We have lost yet another friend here.
Ron Pitt.

Ron was a long time Placencia resident who was well known and well liked.
He had an impact on the music scene and was always brought up to play with whoever was doing a gig somewhere.
Ron was also the man behind Piranha Pizza. His pies were in every freezer in town and he had a pretty good delivery system going as well.
Ron moved into our house for a weekend once while we took a road trip to PG. he would stay and keep Scurvy and FuzzNutts fed and happy while generly watching over our compound.
When we returned from the trip, he began to tell us how famously he and Scurvy got along, but FuzzNutts apparently hated his guts! They got into a fight early on and Ron showed us his scratches to prove it. He was going on about “That fuckin cat is possessed.”

Ron will be missed,,
Raise your next beer in his name!

Jeremy Buck and the Bang

2011-03-24T08:10:00.004-06:00

Thought I would share with you a new band that I just heard about recently. They play mostly in the L.A. area, but maybe I can get them to come play at the V.I.P. lounge!
Some of you may not care for their music but I have some of it coming on a flash drive soon (I hope).
Check it out,, Jeremy Buck and the Bang.

George Foreman and Mister T walk into a kitchen,,,,

2011-03-21T14:12:00.003-06:00

Some good news,, maybe. Remember awhile back when I rambled on about fucked up the idea of landing cruise ships in Placencia was? Well, I did ramble for a bit.
To sum it up, a politician who is suppose to be looking out for the peoples best interest (yea, right), approached Royal Caribbean Cruise Line and told them Placencia would be just wonderful for some of your ships. All the while this politician and his fat-cat buddies were buying up all the property where this ‘cruise village’ would be located.
Then after all that is done wrapped up, the GOB decides it is a good time to tell the villagers of this great and wonderful thing that is going to happen in their village.
WHOA,, just a minute here.
The next few weeks saw serious opposition to their little secret plan.
They decide to hold a ‘consultation’ to help us better understand how it is all going to work.
That ‘consultation’ was as big a joke as any other GOB/Developer held meeting I have attended.
Now here is where I think they fucked up. The hired an outside independent consultant to gather up all the info on whether this idea was a good idea for the area and was it accepted by the population.
Well,, they hired the wrong one.
His report came back saying all the same shit we have been screaming to the GOB about since we first heard the plan.
And their hired guy said in bold print “NO CRUISE SHIPS SHOULD BE BROUGHT INTO SOUTHERN BELIZE AT THIS TIME’.
So, where does that leave us? well tonight there is a second meeting with the GOB and no one really knows what they will say. Will they listen to the guy they hired and paid well? And listen to the citizens wishes?
Or will they crumple up that report, toss it like an empty Belikin bottle and say “Fuck You,, we are doing it anyway”?
Tonight at 1830, I’ll report what they tell us.

On to more pleasant subjects.
I like to eat. Who don’t right. And I like to cook.
Enter the Aroma Turbo Cooker!
A countertop convection oven.

It roasts, steams, broils, slices, dices and with an attachment it may jack you off!
I googled up all the info I could find before I fired it off and it seems Mr. ‘T’ pitty’s the foo who don’t use one. Good enough for me. So now I got George Foreman AND Mr. T in the kitchen with me!
My test run with this contraption is going to be a pork tenderloin. I’m a bit scared. I would hate to ruin a nice tenderloin playing with a Mr. T endorsed piece-o-shit but here goes.
1433: the tenderloin goes in at 325 degrees for 15 minutes.

15 minutes later I took one hunk of tenderloin out and cut into it. Not quite done and inside temp was only 120.

So I set it back up for another 15 minutes, with the thermometer in the meat.
OK,, 15 minutes later and it’s done!
Fuck,, maybe Mr. T is on to sumptin here.

Clean up took 2 minutes too.
This is one foo he won’t be pitty-ing.

People who say it can't be done, should not interrupt those of us who are doing it.

"Whatcha do today honey?" "Nuttin"

2011-03-17T18:08:00.012-06:00

Things be happnin round here now. Yes, business is still hopping and it looks like it is peninsula wide, everyone seems to be doing well including the construction folks.
I heard at the V.I.P. lounge tonight that 90 % of the country’s construction is happening here! I guess that’s good, I have mixed feelings.
We went to the village today to pay bills and shit, and it gets increasingly hard to navigate down there with all the traffic both cars and foot. We usually can’t wait to get back to the ‘Burbs’.

Mrs. Barn sent out an update on the beach clean-up project and has gotten a better response than usual. Good job neighbors!

Then I get a phone call,,,, “Barnacle, you want to photograph a pig cutting?”
“Uh,, OK”

Did I mention the new pig farm in Riversdale? I think so.
Well,, turns out the male pigs were to be castrated. And oh lucky me gets to record it all. I have been moaning about the lack of photo ops so I would be remiss to turn down any Kodak moment that happened by, right?
So I was picked up this morning and we go up to the ‘farm’.
The owner is new at all this and luckily another neighbor is an old hand at pig farming so he is getting some good advice/instructions.
Me? I’m a city boy. I barely knew pigs had nuts, let alone why you would want to cut them off.
The way it was explained to me is, the males will grow much faster castrated. I assume it’s because their minds are no longer on pig pussy, but focused on food. Makes sense.
These guys are about 6-8 weeks old and I am told it is best to do this earlier b ut,, here we go.

They were just enjoying life in pigville when all the sudden these guys come at them with boxcutter razor blades and start slicing at their nut region!

So about now the male readers are winching a bit and the females have already left the blog, cause they know there will be photos.
Well,, here ya go.

Point of note: pigs don’t have a ball sac like say,, I do. One that hangs further and further every year. Nope, these guys hide them inside.

So he had to slit the skin and go digging round in there to find the nut and stretch it out.
You may notice this little guy needs his worms addressed!

Ok ok,, I know some of you are saying “Dude, you're harshing my mellow!”
So to ease it back a notch here is a hummer I shot a few days ago.

And if that didn't help ease you back,, maybe this will.

As a kid, whenever I got sick my mom would say: 'Don't worry, son. There's nothing so bad that it can't be fixed with a bottle of cheap Scotch and a couple of hookers'. Or was that the old crusty guy who hung around the schoolyard ? No matter — either way, it's terrific advice.

Bats, Hotties, and Cops,,, uhh ohhhhh

2011-03-10T19:18:00.003-06:00

Only a couple interesting things happnin.
We have some guests right now, one of which is an 18yr old male.
Try and guess which 18yr old female HOTTIE he has zeroed in on? it has been fun to watch,, remembering what it was like 30 years ago.

Then, we went to town a few days ago to lay in provisions (beer and food), we stopped at Barefoot bar for a few beers and let Scurvy run amuck like the true Heathen he is.
Grabbed 2 barley pops for the road, gathered up the dog and headed north.
WHAM,, a police checkpoint! Fuck.
Normally these are no big deal as they really do not care about anything but your windshield stickers, is you insurance and registration current.
I hand my beer to Mrs. Barn so I can hand the officer my license. He walks around and taps on the insurance sticker.
We both wonder WTF.
I get out and go verify our insurance expired LAST NOVEMBER!
Oh shit.
This can be a serious deal, anywhere from a night in jail, to at least making you park your vehicle and walking home!
For reasons I don’t know, the sergeant told me to go home and get some insurance!
We had groceries, 5 cases of beer, some hardware stuff, and the dog.
I don’t know why he let us go as we have heard horror stories from others, but I sincerely hope it is because he knows us as not being trouble and gave us a break. I would like to buy him a case of beer but that may not look right.
Anyway, the next morning I was at ICB getting insured and thanking the Beer Gods for looking after me,, again!
Funny thing is, since last November we have been thru many other checkpoints and no one ever noticed? We did not know we were expired as we have always been sent a notice and been right on top of it. But we got no reminder and spaced it out.
Anyway,, we headed north, klinked our bottles and toasted the Beer Gods!

Went to the, what has been called by that 18yr old’s dad as the “Horny Gecko’, not much happnin so I came home to shoot bats.
Got a few keepers.

Look at the set of balls on that fucker!!!!

What's so unpleasant about being drunk? You ask a glass of water.

R.I.P. Inches, we will miss you. Hey look, a chicken!

2011-03-03T20:01:00.005-06:00

First off, let’s give ‘Inches’ a hearty send off. I am told he died around 2 AM last night.

He was a cool dude and will be missed.

Tonight I went to the V.I.P. lounge to catch up. I knew I wanted a photo of ‘McNugget’, the chicken chick Doris and Lenny have adopted.

I showed up with camera in hand, but was not prepared for the fact that ‘McNugget was HAMMERED!
Yes,, he/she had been running loose on the bar, drinking beer from the folks who poured a bit on the bar. When I got there the thing was trashed!
Doris salvaged it up and put it to bed, fed it crackers and coffee and it soon sprang back to life!

Then let’s look at the new view from the deck o f the
V. I. P. lounge.
Opened it right up for breeze and view.

The ‘Women’ at the poker game each bring some kind of munchies each week. Well, it was my turn to provide.
I made a batch of peanutbutter/oatmeal/chocklatechip cookies.
Hope they enjoyed.